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April 27, 2015 / 8 Iyar, 5775
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If I Were Prime Minister


If I were Prime Minister

If I were Prime Minister

Now that everyone is talking about elections in Israel, I’m thinking of throwing my kippah into the ring. Whether elections come now or in another year, we need new faces and new ideas to give the country the push it needs to become a true light to the nations.

In all modesty, my novels have won me a pretty fair following in the religious community, so I could very well garner the necessary number of votes to get elected to the Knesset. I won’t run with a big party like the Likud. Why bring my followers to join the Likud, only to have them betray the Land of Israel in some peace deal? When you belong to a political party, you can’t blame the rotten things they do only on the “bad guys.” As a member of the party, you have collective responsibility, so you’re to blame too. So why should I strengthen the Likud when I know that they are ready to chop our Holy Land in half?

On the other hand, I can’t run with the religious Zionist parties because I’m too far to the right for the consensus they are hoping to achieve. And I’m too big a Zionist for the Haredim, so I’ll have to run alone.

Here are some of the main points of my platform:

*All Arabs must leave the Land of Israel.

* Israeli sovereignty will be declared over all the borders of Biblical Israel.

*Any Israeli politician who voted in favor of the Oslo Accords will be deported from the country to the island of St. Helena.

*All Israeli politicians who voted in favor of the Evacuation of Gush Katif will be brought to trial and sentenced to hard labor, rebuilding the Jewish communities which they destroyed.

*The judges of the Supreme Court will be replaced by Torah scholars who will judge all cases according to Torah law.

*Israeli television, radio, and all newspapers will be run and governed by a board of rabbis, and all left-wing producers, directors, writers, and anchormen will be fired.

*The nuclear facilities in Iran will be immediately destroyed.

*Relations with the United States shall be suspended until Jonathan Pollard is freed.

*A national educational campaign on the importance of modesty will be initiated, similar to past campaigns on highway safety and the danger of cigarette smoking. After a massive, year-long public campaign, women who dress immodestly will be fined. Repeated offenders will be imprisoned.

*No women will serve in the army. Army service will be reduced to 2 years. Special glatt-kosher brigades with daily Torah study will be established for Haredi recruits. Serious yeshiva students will be allowed a 5 year deferment before beginning a shortened, 1 year course of military service. All Diaspora Jews under 30 years old will be obligated to serve for a year in the Israeli Army or forfeit their right to visit the country.

*We will establish Project Cyberspace Shield whereby special anti-Internet-porn satellites and cyberspace jamming equipment will be designed and put into operation on a national level to keep Israel porn-free.

*Teacher’s salaries will be tripled.

*The new “String Bridge” at the entrance to Jerusalem will be dismantled. A 40-story-high musical Harp of David will be erected in its place.

*Illegal refugees from Sudan will be taught to play basketball, baseball, and soccer. Outstanding athletes will be sold to professional teams overseas and the revenue will be apportioned to yeshivot. The rest of the Sudanese will be returned to Sudan.

*Once the Arabs are evacuated from the Gaza Strip, the city of Gaza will be rebuilt to look like Brooklyn, in anticipation of Mashiach’s coming – may it be soon!

The full election platform is still being developed. Blog readers are invited to send in further suggestions.

See you at the polls!

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of The Jewish Press

About the Author: Tzvi Fishman was awarded the Israel Ministry of Education Prize for Creativity and Jewish Culture for his novel "Tevye in the Promised Land." For the past several years, he has written a popular and controversial blog at Arutz 7. A wide selection of his books are available at Amazon. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of The Jewish Press


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One Response to “If I Were Prime Minister”

  1. Liad Bar-el says:

    • Disband all Slut-Parades and Gay Marches. In August, the hottest month of the year, there will be a march of men who wear large furry gray/white scarfs with long sleeved black coats.
    • As in NY/NJ all long distance buses will have a Sefer Torah for prayers during travel. Driver will be a woman. Women section will be next to driver so as to tell driver how to drive properly.
    • In place of all building security metal detectors and on buses, there will be a bacteria detector. Those with high levels of bacteria will not be admitted.
    • Taxes will be reduced 75%. Donkeys will replace MK Volvos. The Prime Minister will ride a white donkey.

Comments are closed.

Tzvi Fishman, author of the Jewish Press blog Felafel on Rye and author of more than a dozen books.
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