web analytics
April 1, 2015 / 12 Nisan, 5775
At a Glance
Blogs
Sponsored Post


Shidduchim – The View from the Other Side

A powerful and brave look from the other side of the shidduch equation.
A Jewish wedding.

A Jewish wedding.
Photo Credit: Lara Savage/Flash 90

I received an e-mail from young man who asked to be identified only by his initials, JS. He otherwise prefers to remain anonymous. Considering the sensitive nature of his post I have agreed. His letter follows.

Dear Rabbi Maryles,

We have been in touch in the past. While rarely commenting, I have been an avid reader of your blog since the last 4 years.

As a frum Jew, the frum world has disappointed me again with the age gap theory. I am a 25 year old male, and it drives me crazy to hear things presented as if only girls have a hard time in shidduchim.

In the last 2 years, I have gone out only 5 times. Truth to be told, I don’t buy it that nice guys are in short supply or that it is an age gap problem.

Do you think that if people were told that it is because of corrupt values and lack of meeting opportunities that we have a shidduch crisis? No way!

Hint: what happened to mixed seated weddings and kiddushim that used to be common 40 years ago? And why on earth is it so wrong to ask a girl out after having met her at a kiddush (whether directly or asking a mutual friend). Yet dating in a hotel for hours is ok (I am sure you are aware that rooms can be booked to fool around and it DOES happen)????

The reason I write to you this email is to give a voice to the men aged 18-30 who have no voice at all in this so called “shidduch crisis.”

This letter was obviously written out of a sense of frustration at what he believes are flaws in the Shidduch system.

As I have said before many times, the dating game in the Charedi world has evolved into something untenable as evidenced by the massive numbers of young women who have little to no chance of getting married once they reach the age of 25.

But as JS points out, it is not the one way street as is commonly believed. It isn’t only young women who aren’t getting a lot of dates. There are plenty of men who fall into that category. I know some very fine Charedi men who are still not married well into their 40s. And it’s not for a lack of trying. It is because they do not measure up to the ideal mate that young Charedi women are indoctrinated to seek: The full time learner. While being Charedi in every other sense these young men have opted to prepare for and join the workforce. They set aside time for Torah study either before or after work. (Sometimes both.)

The fact is that there are a lot of fine young Charedi men who are simply not cut out for the Yeshiva life for various different and very legitimate reasons. And though some of them (maybe even most of them) tend to stick it out and stay in Yeshiva anyway – they do this either because of peer pressure – or so they can have the ‘right’ resume for Shidduch purposes.

This is why many young men of dating age become students in Lakewood Yeshiva. And it is why Lakewood instituted ‘the Freezer’. Which is a policy of not letting their students date for at least six months so as to discourage those who attend their Yeshiva mostly for dating purposes. To a Charedi – having ‘Lakewood’ on your resume when looking for a Shidduch is as important as having Harvard on your resume when looking for a job.

About the Author: Harry Maryles runs the blog "Emes Ve-Emunah" which focuses on current events and issues that effect the Jewish world in general and Orthodoxy in particular. It discuses Hashkafa and news events of the day - from a Centrist perspctive and a philosphy of Torah U'Mada. He can be reached at hmaryles@yahoo.com.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Shidduchim – The View from the Other Side”

Comments are closed.

Binyamin and Chaya Maryles, uncle and aunt of Emes Ve-Emunah author Harry Maryles.
Current Top Story
French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius.
France Leaves Iran Nuclear Talks, Will Return When ‘Useful’
Latest Blogs Stories
A Soldier's Mother

We are told “From dust we were created and to dust we return” But not alone…a Jew, is never alone.

Talks between Iran and the P5+1 at Lausanne are likely to be extended beyond Obama's self-imposed deadline.

Obama wants a deal at any price, ending sanctions that brought Iran to the table in the first place

Doug Goldstein

Laura Adams, author of Money Girl’s Smart Moves to Grow Rich, managing your money more effectively

The seventh Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson

Wherever you are Chabad gives you that missing piece–the home you left behind, nourishing body&soul

How do you put a love of Judaism into a middle-aged man when it was never there in the first place?

It is perfectly understandable how someone who has no background in Israeli politics could mistake Bibi’s speech as racist…

Israel’s Charedi world is in financial crisis. If the trend worsens it may be their breaking point.

Why do you need to file an FBAR if you’re a US citizen abroad? What happens if you don’t?

Jews caring for one another, that is how I would explain Israel to someone.

As Iran becomes the North Korea of the Middle East, Nasrallah doesn’t understand where all his friends went.

I pray each member of Knesset will represent the interests of the State of Israel & ALL its citizens

At no time did Kahlon say that he preferred to see Bibi in another term as PM-I don’t trust him!

“Israel has nuclear weapons & it isn’t afraid to use them if necessary-Does that frighten you? Good”

American Jews think they know what’s best for Israel-better than Israelis. Here’s my take…

An old Arab man yelled at me “You’re stupid!” I returned the compliment; He had murder in his eyes.

Why do people feel the need to check their email 50X a day, constantly dipping in & out of Facebook?

More Articles from Harry Maryles
Talks between Iran and the P5+1 at Lausanne are likely to be extended beyond Obama's self-imposed deadline.

Obama wants a deal at any price, ending sanctions that brought Iran to the table in the first place

Moshe Gafni

Israel’s Charedi world is in financial crisis. If the trend worsens it may be their breaking point.

Life in Europe’s pre-War Yeshiva world makes today’s rulings look like the Taliban has taken over.

Often wig wearers become more attractive after marriage. Doesn’t this turn the intent on its head?

It appears that Agudah has joined with those choosing to erase women from the public sphere.

As long as radical Islam exists it would be irresponsible for Israel to give up an inch of land

This very bright Chareidi young man was unable to earn a decent living because he had NO education

We must convince Jewish billionaires to support Jewish education in ways they support other projects

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/blogs/haemtza/shidduchim-the-view-from-the-other-side/2014/08/27/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: