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December 27, 2014 / 5 Tevet, 5775
 
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I Dream of Bacon

Piggies

http://notajew-jew.com/?p=279

You know you’re a Jew when…

After decades of dreaming about everything from girls, to breathing under water , to girls – suddenly I’m dreaming of…bacon.

First things first: I am a “lucid dreamer.” Which means that, while I dream, I realize I’m in a dream, and I make conscious decisions within the dream to shape it or change it. As recently as the 1980’s lucid dreaming was thought to not exist. But now scientists believe that 50% of people have had at least one lucid dream in their lives, and 20% have about one lucid dream per month.

I’m having them constantly. About bacon.

The thing about dreams is: there’s no hiding from the real you in your dreams.

Take the classic “I’ve gone to work and forgotten my clothes” dream. In such a dream, you may find yourself giving a presentation to your colleagues – only to look down and notice that you are presenting far more to your colleagues than you had bargained for.

If your first reaction is to be embarrassed and cover up – congratulations – you’re normal. Being embarrassed and covering up is probably what you would do in real life, if you suddenly found yourself presenting to your colleagues your naked PowerPoint (ahem). On the other hand, if your first reaction in a naked-at-the-office dream is to find the nearest vertical poll and start spinning on it, then perhaps your subconscious is trying to tell you that an office job is not for you.

The way “you” react in your dreams is the way You would react. The “you” in your dream is you.

The “me” in my dreams is a Jew.

Even though (depending on when you read this) I am not yet a Jew, my subconscious – the real me – is already a Jew. And he’s not just a Jew – he’s Shomer Kashrut.

After a lifetime of not dreaming about bacon, I suddenly find myself thrust into a parade of dreams that have tested me, coerced me, and even conspired to trick me with swine.

The first dream featured a pulled-pork sandwich. In the dream, the person who served me the sandwich told me it was fake vegetarian pork. One bite told me that was a lie. So I spit it out, didn’t swallow, and woke myself up.

Jew.

In another dream I was tricked with cheddar cheese. It seemed like normal cheddar cheese, but when I bit into it, all I could taste was bacon. I challenged my dreamworld bacon-pusher, but she claimed the cheese was just seasoned with fake bacon flavor. I sensed a lie. So again – ptuey-tuey – I spit it out and woke myself up.

Jew.

The most recent dream was downright weird and complex. I was confined to a hospital bed, and a doctor gave me an injection. When the “medicine” hit my bloodstream, I sensed something wasn’t Kosher. I asked the doctor: “What did you put in me?” He brushed me off, so I raised the intensity: “Was there pork product in that syringe?” Again, he punked me off. So I grabbed the doctor by his lab coat, yanked his face closed to mine, and menaced him until I saw fear in his eyes: “Tell me doc: will that shot kill me now, or in the afterlife?”

A Jew not to be messed with.

In my dreams, I dream as a Jew. That’s who I am in the deepest part of my subconscious.

Back in my waking world, I now return to my Jewish studies. So I can turn my dreams into reality.

Minus the bacon, of course.

About the Author: Not a Jew --> Jew is a blog of one man's journey to convert to Judaism. The author has written for Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, Christians United For Israel, The Jerusalem Post, The New York Times, CNN, Fox News, Townhall, and the Washington Times. He did battle with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, on behalf of women’s rights, and won – and he stands up for the people and the State of Israel wherever they are threatened: from the university campus to the world stage. His name is not important, but his journey to become a Jew is. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of The Jewish Press


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Piggies

The most recent dream was downright weird and complex. I was confined to a hospital bed, and a doctor gave me an injection. When the “medicine” hit my bloodstream, I sensed something wasn’t Kosher. I asked the doctor: “What did you put in me?” He brushed me off. “Was there pork product in that syringe?” Again, no response. So I grabbed the doctor by his coat, yanked his face closed to mine, and said: “Tell me doc: will that shot kill me now, or in the afterlife?”

Behind Door #2

Many atheists carry a theological crutch. Most are unaware of it. And, if you show it to them, most will deny it’s there. It is the silent belief that, should they ever change their mind about God, God will always be there for them.

Imagine the entire Holocaust happening between the release of Beverly Hills Cop 1 and Beverly Hills Cop 2 – that’s how fresh the Holocaust was in the world in which I grew up.

One of the main things I’ve learned about the differences between Jews and non-Jews (namely Christians) is that non-Jews place a great deal of importance on how you feel, what you believe, your intentions, your inner motivations for being good. By contrast, according my friend Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, Jews “care far less about what you believe. What you do is more important.”

The problem with turning the other cheek is: it doesn’t work. Not with bullies. Not even with Catholic school bullies. Because bullies don’t consult the “Good Book” before they do bad things.

My earliest thought of Judaism came in Catholic school, when I cussed out my grade three teacher for being an anti-Semite. I was no Biblical expert at the age of nine, but even my cursory understanding of the Bible told me that Christians had a heck of a lot in common with Jews.

Years ago, I was taught by secular Jewish friend that giving away money was disrespectful to money. It devalued money to give it away. And, for years, I agreed. Until I tried it.

My considerable experience with bad people is: showing weakness to them never, ever works. Not ever. Never. As evidenced by the entire arc of human, and Jewish, history.

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