I received an email from the folks at Gun Appreciation Day – which takes place January 19, unless there’s a massacre.
“We’re marching towards Gun Appreciation Day full steam ahead, and already the liberal gun control crowd is using every trick in the book to try and stop us.”
Ah, the liberal gun control crowd, those conniving bastards refusing to be shot on sight by a good old American armed militia, as it is specifically being commanded in the Second Amendment:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The Supreme Court and I differ on what the above statement means in reality. In my opinion, this is the foundation for a citizen’s army, which is ready to stand up to an invader from overseas or from Canada and Mexico. Should those red coats dare come down into these United States once more, thousands of citizens would swiftly pull their muskets off the wall, grab the bags of fire powder and iron balls, as well as their trusted muzzle loader, and rush off to defend our farms and plantations.
The Supreme Court, on the other hand, decided the same Second Amendment means you can sling an AKA 47 on one shoulder and a bazooka on the other, as long as you can show a library card with your name on it at the counter.
The Gun Appreciation folks are circulating their email around because they need your financial support in the war against liberal haters: “No matter if you can afford $5 or $500, anything and everything will make a difference.”
I don’t appreciate guns. Secure in my masculinity, I have never seen a need for either a sports car or a gun. In boot camp I schlepped around a Belgian FM rifle that had to be cleaned daily, whether I had used it or not. I nicknamed my rifle Ginger—it failed so many inspections, I started to believe those red spots were the result of shame as much as rust.
Ginger weighed a ton and fired a huge caliber bullet, with the recoil of an elephant gun. She was more like those patriotic muskets than the rapid fire monsters lonely American young adults are using these days to reduce our student population.
Yesterday, I also received an email from the National Rifle Association (why am I on all those email lists I have no idea), reacting—quite furiously, by the way—to the passage of a bill titled S. 2230 in New York
Apparently, what bugs the NRA are the undemocratic aspects of the way NY State passes its bills.
Join the club… In NY State we’re not so much a democracy as a plutocracy. The only way you can get rid of a NY State politician is if they become president of the United States, or gets caught doing something unspeakable on Twitter. Otherwise they’re there forever – because we, the majority of the folks in their districts, keep voting them in.
Anyway, the NRA is upset that S. 2230 was “hammered out in a backroom in Albany, was quickly drafted and released 20 minutes prior to the Senate vote. It passed as the clock ticked toward midnight.”
So? Over here we call it standard legislative process…
And what is it that S. 2230 actually does?
It lowers New York’s magazine capacity limit from ten rounds to seven.
That means that after a kid living in his mom’s basement has finished shooting into a crowd of students seven times, he has to pause and reload.
Ah, the humanity…
“It also greatly expands the state’s existing ban on commonly owned semi-automatic firearms, and will require New York gun owners to undergo background checks on ammunition purchases,” bewails the NRA.
If you ask me, this will actually mean great relief for UPS drivers, who won’t have to schlep quite as many cases of “ammo” to Joe’s hut in the woods, right above the high school building.
“These gun control schemes have failed in the past and will have no impact on public safety and crime,” argues the NRA.
According to data from The Violence Policy Center, these are the states with the highest death rates in the nation:
1. Louisiana—18.03 per 100,000, 2. Wyoming—17.64, 3. Alabama—17.63, 4. Montana—17.03, 5. Mississippi—16.50, 6. Arkansas—16.09, 7. Nevada—15.36, 8. Tennessee—15.34, 9. Alaska—14.89, 10. New Mexico—14.88, 11. Oklahoma—14.46 per 100,000.
You notice a common denominator there? Yes, these are, by and large, states where inebriated rednecks can pick up a gun and a six pack on the same drunk shopping run and still make it to the barbecue with Mary Lou Johnson and her kid brother with the harelip.
You want to know where NY State stands on the same list of states?
It’s 47th. With 4.9 firearm deaths per 100,000, above New Jersey, Hawaii, and Massachusetts, otherwise known as the states where you’re not nearly as likely to be killed by a drunk NRA member as, say, Louisiana.
I wish to extend my sincere gratitude to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Shelly Silver, Andrew Cuomo, and the entire plutocratic gang up in Albany, who helped so many of us to die as God had intended, from years of abuse of food and cigarettes, and from a lack of exercise.
About the Author: JewishPress.com Senior Internet Editor Yori Yanover has been a working journalist since age 17, before he enlisted and worked for Ba'Machane Nachal. Since then he has worked for Israel Shelanu, the US supplement of Yedioth, JCN18.com, USAJewish.com, Lubavitch News Service, Arutz 7 (as DJ on the high seas), and the Grand Street News. He has published two fun books: The Cabalist's Daughter: A Novel of Practical Messianic Redemption, and How Would God REALLY Vote.
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