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October 9, 2015 / 26 Tishri, 5776
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Amram Mitzna’s Inauguration Address (Composed for him by Steven Plaut)

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Israel will have peace, while maintaining its heritage and historic control of both banks of the Yarkon River.

Naturally, I expect the Jews of Jerusalem to relocate there. I will try to obtain permission from the president of Palestine for them to visit their old homes in Jerusalem al-Quds every once in a while, but if he refuses, then we will take the matter into our own hands and not allow any Jews to go to Jerusalem any more, whether the PLO likes it or not.

Finally, as my fallback plan, I intend to conduct serious round-the-clock negotiations with all of our neighbors, including the president of Palestine in al-Quds. I will allot a maximum of 48 months for the talks to succeed — that is, the period before the next election in Israel will be
called and voting conducted at the Yarkon voting booth.

But if those negotiations do not succeed, I intend to take things into my own hands and end the conflict once and for all. The Yarkon colonists will be ordered onto the nearby American cruise ships, and Israel will be converted into a website, whether or not the Arabs approve, and
peace shall reign in the Middle East once and for all, for ever and ever and ever.

You have may solemn oath!

About the Author: Steven Plaut is a professor at the University of Haifa. He can be contacted at steveneplaut@yahoo.com.

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