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September 2, 2015 / 18 Elul, 5775
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Israel’s Music Man

      The Israeli Labor Party recently selected Ehud Barak, who had been prime minister from 1999 to 2001, to serve as its party chief and contender for prime minister in the next election, probably in 2008.
 
      Barak has always been associated in my mind with music – as well as the incredibly harmful policies he has advocated since entering politics. True, Barak was a military hero. He even entered Beirut disguised as a woman to assassinate terrorists, a scene recorded in the movie “Munich.” You can imagine how many jokes at his expense that triggered.
 
      But once he left the army, he went out shopping for political ideas and ended up buying the silliest ones available on the Shimon Peres/Oslo vintage clothing rack. He attempted to turn the Golan Heights over to Syria, which would have allowed the Syrian military to advance to the shores of the Sea of Galilee. This inspired me at the time to write a parody of an old Bobby Darin classic, with Ehud Barak singing “Splish Splash I was taking a Ba’ath.”
 
      It continued: “Splish, Splash! I jumpedbackin thebath.WellhowwasI to knowtherewasappeasement goingon?”
 

      Later, due to Barak’s disastrous policies as prime minister and his attempt to hand over Jerusalem to the PLO savages, a new song seemed called for. Barak had just been creamed in a landslide electoral defeat by Ariel Sharon. The new piece was to the tune of Harry Belafonte’s “Banana Boat Song.” It went:

     

EH HOOD, day EH EH HOOD

Ehud’s done and we wan him go home

EH, he say EH, he say EH, he say EH,

      he say EH, he say EH-ay-ay-HOOD

Ehud’s done and we wan him go home

They shoots all night from ole Ramallah

(Ehud’s done and we wan him go home)

As all night he wave white bandana

(Ehud’s done and we wan him go home)

Come, Mr. Tally Mon, tally me election

Ehud’s done and we wan him go home

Come, Mr. Tally Mon, tally the rejection

Ehud’s done and we wan him go home

 

      Barak is often proclaimed by the media to be the “most decorated Israeli general.” But last summer he effectively dropped 4,000 Katyusha rockets on northern Israel, because those attacks were a direct result of his having ordered Israel’s withdrawal from southern Lebanon.
 
      And now Barak is desperately looking for a new campaign jingle. Being a helpful sort, I thought I would give him a hand.
 
      To understand the new song, you need to recall that in 1998 Barak declared: “I imagine that if I were a Palestinian of the right age, I would, at some stage, have joined one of the terror organizations.”
 

      My proposed campaign song for Reb Ehud is based on the wonderful “If I Were a Rich Man” from “Fiddler on the Roof.” (Unfortunately Tevye is not running for prime minister.)

      Ready? Here goes!

 

Dear God, you made so many, many cowardly people.

I realize, of course, that it’s no shame to be a coward.

But it’s no great honor, either!

So, what would have been so terrible if

      I had a small dose of gumption?

(music)

 

If I were a terrorist,

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba

      deedle deedle dum.

All day long I’d biddy biddy bomb.

If I were a Hamas man.

I wouldn’t have to work hard.

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba

      deedle deedle dum.

If I were a biddy bomber bum,

Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.

 

I’d have a big tall house with virgins by the dozen,

Right in the midst of Gaza town.

A fine tin roof with real al-Kassams below.

There would be one long rocket just going up,

And one even longer coming down,

And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I’d fill my yard with chicks and turkeys

      and other Labor chiefs,

For all the town to see and hear.

And each loud “cheep” and “squawk”

      and “honk” and “quack”

Would ring like a Kassam in my ear,

As if to say “Here lives a Tanzim man.”

     

If I were a terrorist,

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba

      deedle deedle dum.

All day long I’d biddy biddy bomb.

If I were a Hamas man.

I wouldn’t have to work hard.

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba

      deedle deedle dum.

If I were a biddy bomber bum,

Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.

 

The most important men in town

      would come to fawn on me!

They would ask me to be appeased by them,

Like Shimon Peres the Kind.

“If you please, Reb Ehud…”

“Pardon me, Reb Ehud…”

Posing problems that would cross a Tanzim’s mind!

And it won’t make one bit of difference

      if I answer war or peace.

When you’re me, they think you really know!

 

If I were a terrorist,

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba

      deedle deedle dum.

All day long I’d biddy biddy bomb.

If I were a Hamas man.

I wouldn’t have to work hard.

Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba

      deedle deedle dum.

If I were a biddy bomber bum,

Yidle-diddle-didle-didle BOMB.

 

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,

You decreed I should be what I am.

Would it spoil some vast eternal plan

If I were a ter-ror-ist MAN!!!

(Curtain closes)

 

      Steven Plaut, a frequent contributor to The Jewish Press, is a professor at Haifa University. His book “The Scout” is available at Amazon.com. He can be contacted at stevenplaut@yahoo.com.

About the Author: Steven Plaut is a professor at the University of Haifa. He can be contacted at steveneplaut@yahoo.com.


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