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Osama: The Pitch


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Well, we just marked the anniversary of the 9/11 atrocities and who pops out of his Caliphite Cave?

Yup, Osama bin Laden.

I have to tell you, he’s like some aging Hollywood starlet. He’s dyed the gray out of his beard and looks like a drag queen – a really unattractive drag queen. Sheesh, millions of dollars and Osama can’t hire a decent hair colorist and stylist?

Oh man, what a great idea for a Hollywood comedy.

Here’s the pitch: Terrorist leader hires top Beverly Hills hairdresser to make him look good for his next terror vid. Naive hairdresser flies to remote Wackistan and proceeds with his gentle and peaceful ways to civilize and pacify the terrorist leader.

I gotta pitch this. Immediately. It’s high-concept, zany, and politically correct. So utterly stupid they will buy it in the room.

Watch out. Osama is mighty mad. At the Democrats. You know why? Because they haven’t pulled our troops out of Iraq like they promised. The chutzpah!

Okay, Osama didn’t say chutzpah. I’m taking literary license here. I’m a screenwriter, I need some room, you know?

Osama compares Iraq to Vietnam. He accuses Donald Rumsfeld of mass murder. Sound familiar? I’m telling you, Osama sounds exactly like George Clooney, Jane Fonda, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, most everyone in Hollywood.

Hey, when did Osama become a Tinsel Town player?

What am I saying? He sounds exactly like my local Jewish weekly here in L.A.

He also adores Noam Chomsky. So what if Chomsky was born a Jew? They both hate America, they both hate Israel. Osama can slit Chomsky’s throat after Chomsky has served his purpose. Think Stalin and Isaac Babel.

I love this part: On the Kyoto Protocols, Osama is like shame, shame that America has not signed. He’s Mr. Green.

This from a guy who slaughters and incinerates innocent human beings: men, women, children. Call me crazy but I see something of a contradiction here.

But hey, I’m sure the postmodern deconstructionist professors at Duke University will straighten out my decadent middle class way of thinking.

Yes, Osama’s really worried about global warming. Isn’t that touching? He’s like all sensitive and totally Sierra Club. I’ll bet he gets lots of marriage proposals from women in the Bay Area, Oregon and Seattle.

No problemo, ladies. Osama has multiple wives; always room for one more in the harem. You might even get to wear a tie-dyed burqa. Or not. Osama’s kinda touchy about women’s rights. I’d play it safe and stick with the basic black burqa. It’s the new, um, black.

I’m telling you, Moveon.org should recruit this guy as a spokesman and fund raiser; they’re on the exact same page. And I have a sneaking suspicion bin Laden has been writing most of the posts on the Daily Kossack, er, Daily Kos.

I’m not exaggerating. Osama’s talking points sound like they’ve been lifted directly from the Daily Kos, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama or John “Pretty Boy” Edwards. The Dems must be thrilled to know Osama is counting on their policies.

Osama also does the Holocaust: He says that if the Nazi genocide had occurred closer to Muslim countries, “most of the Jews would have been saved by taking refuge with us.”

Halloo! Osama needs a reality check! The Grand Mufti of Jerusalem traveled to Germany, had private meetings with Hitler and heard all about the Final Solution. And the Mufti was like: “Mein Fuhrer, where do we start?”

The Mufti even raised an all-Muslim SS brigade in Bosnia to help Hitler exterminate the Jews.

Mein Kampf is still a best seller in the Arab world. It should be – the title translates as “My Struggle.” Which in Arabic is, get this: My Jihad.

And as for how lovey-dovey Muslims and Jews were in the good old days: It was the Muslims, not the Christians, who back in the Middle Ages invented the yellow star for Jews to wear on their clothes.

Osama repeatedly and proudly takes credit for the 9/11 attacks. The tinfoil-hat crowd that claims it was an inside job will have to come up with some lunatic spin to counter this obvious truth. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Finally, Osama’s angry about Western colonialism. He’s obviously been taking extension courses at Harvard. But then he goes and gives it all away, revealing that he and his religion are the true imperialists.

The point of the video, the real point, is simple: If you – this means everyone on the face of the planet – do not convert to Islam, Osama and his terrorist buddies are going to kill you.

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About the Author: Robert J. Avrech is an Emmy Award-winning Hollywood screenwriter and producer. Among his numerous credits are "A Stranger Among Us” and "The Devil's Arithmetic.” His novel "The Hebrew Kid and the Apache Maiden" won the 2006 Ben Franklin Award for Best First Novel and the Association of Jewish Libraries Award for Notable Children's Book of Jewish Content. His most recent book is a memoir, “How I Married Karen,” an eBook available at Amazon, Apple and Barnes & Noble, which Avrech is now developing as a major motion picture. His website is Seraphic Secret (seraphicpress.com).


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