web analytics
July 30, 2015 / 14 Av, 5775
At a Glance
InDepth
Sponsored Post


Home » InDepth » Op-Eds »

Their Jewish Heritage


“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

● Today, President Bush discovered that his maternal grandmother was Jewish. “I still wore cowboy boots and cleared brush,” Bush said.

● Today, Vice President Dick Cheney discovered that his paternal grandfather was half-Jewish. “I still hunted,” Cheney noted.

● Today, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld discovered that his great-aunt was one-quarter Jewish. “I still used phrases like “Gee Whiz’ and ‘By Golly,’ and I was captain of my wrestling team,” Rumsfeld emphasized.

● Today, former first lady Nancy Reagan discovered that her astrologer was Jewish. “So that’s why I shop so much at Neiman-Marcus!” Reagan exclaimed.

● Today, UN Ambassador John Bolton discovered that his family’s original name was Billstein. “How could that be?” an astonished Bolton asked. “I don’t even like Chinese food.”

● Today, 9/11 Commission co-chair and ex-governor of New Jersey Thomas Kean discovered that his parents were both one-sixteenth Jewish. “Poppycock!” Kean replied. “I’m the least Jewish person on God’s green earth, and you know it.”

● Today, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton discovered that her pet Chihuahua is part Jewish. “Maybe that’s why Tinkerbell is so smart,” Hilton theorized.

● Today, African-American minister and presidential aspirant Al Sharpton discovered that his hairdresser is Jewish. “Is this what you call a “Jew-Fro?” Sharpton asked, fingering his bushy locks.

● Today, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. discovered that his late father was half Jewish. “I always wondered why he called his favorite car a ‘Jew Canoe,’ ” Earnhardt said.

● Today, Washington Post investigative reporter Bob Woodward discovered that his maternal great-uncle was Jewish. “I always did have a ‘nose for the news,’ ” Woodward bragged. “I can’t wait to tell Carl Bernstein!”

● Today, discredited memoirist and ex-alcoholic James Frey discovered that his mother was Jewish. “Man, that’s so good, even I couldn’t make it up,” Frey enthused.

● Today, jailed Indian-casino lobbyist Jack Abramoff discovered that he is not, in fact, Jewish. “Actually, I’m Native American,” Abramoff reported. “You know, a member of the tribe.”

● Today, pro football star and Messiah-wannabe Terrell Owens discovered that his mother was Jewish. “You know, Jesus was Jewish, too!” Owens said. “That’s another thing we have in common.”

● Today, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discovered that his great-uncle was Jewish. “See, I told you, the Holocaust never happened!” he raged. “I mean, I’m here, right?”

● Today, actor Mel Gibson discovered that his father was Jewish. “I still think the Jews caused all the wars.” Gibson insisted. “You wanna piece of me? Let’s take this outside.”

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Their Jewish Heritage”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Dore Gold.
Foreign Ministry Calls Sunni Arab Nations ‘Israel’s Allies’
Latest Indepth Stories
Rabbi YY Rubinstein

American leftists have a pathological self-inflicted blindness to the dangers of political Islam

Tobin-073115

Hillary should THANK Trump; By dominating the news he’s overshadowed the implosion of her campaign

Rabbi Yaakov Spivak

Hard to remember when Jewish youth were so hostile to their heritage as they are on campuses today.

Talks between Iran and the P5+1 were likely to be extended beyond Obama's self-imposed deadline.

Names of the enablers of Iran’s Nuclear weapons will be added next to Hitler’s on the list of infamy

By most accounts, the one person with the political muscle to swing enough Democratic votes to override a veto is Sen. Schumer.

The next day, in a speech in New York to the Council on Foreign Relations, Mr. Kerry substantially upped the ante.

In Israel, the judiciary has established itself as superior to ALL other branches of the government.

The Fifteenth Day of the month of Av became a day of national rejoicing. The moment that had seemed hopeless became the moment of Redemption.

I think the melodies in our religious services have a haunting sound to them that just permeates your guts and gets into your soul. If you have any musical inclination, I think they inspire you to compose.

Cavalier analogies to the Holocaust are unacceptable, but Huckabee’s analogy was very appropriate.

Pollard was a Jewish-head-on-a-pike for all American Jews to see and to learn the explicit lesson.

If the Iran deal passes, Obama’s WH becomes world’s leading financier of terrorism against Americans

{Originally posted to the author’s website, FirstOne Through} Some passionate and eloquent liberals have bemoaned the state of inclusiveness among Jews today. Leon Wieseltier, editor of the New Republic penned an angry piece “J Street’s Rejection Is a Scandal” about the exclusion in 2014 of J Street from the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations. […]

Magnanimity by Moshe Dayan, allowing Muslim control of the Temple Mount, led to today’s situation.

More Articles from Jonathan Zimmerman

“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/opinions/their-jewish-heritage/2006/10/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: