web analytics
April 16, 2014 / 16 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
InDepth
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



Home » InDepth » Op-Eds »

Their Jewish Heritage


Share Button

“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

● Today, President Bush discovered that his maternal grandmother was Jewish. “I still wore cowboy boots and cleared brush,” Bush said.

● Today, Vice President Dick Cheney discovered that his paternal grandfather was half-Jewish. “I still hunted,” Cheney noted.

● Today, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld discovered that his great-aunt was one-quarter Jewish. “I still used phrases like “Gee Whiz’ and ‘By Golly,’ and I was captain of my wrestling team,” Rumsfeld emphasized.

● Today, former first lady Nancy Reagan discovered that her astrologer was Jewish. “So that’s why I shop so much at Neiman-Marcus!” Reagan exclaimed.

● Today, UN Ambassador John Bolton discovered that his family’s original name was Billstein. “How could that be?” an astonished Bolton asked. “I don’t even like Chinese food.”

● Today, 9/11 Commission co-chair and ex-governor of New Jersey Thomas Kean discovered that his parents were both one-sixteenth Jewish. “Poppycock!” Kean replied. “I’m the least Jewish person on God’s green earth, and you know it.”

● Today, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton discovered that her pet Chihuahua is part Jewish. “Maybe that’s why Tinkerbell is so smart,” Hilton theorized.

● Today, African-American minister and presidential aspirant Al Sharpton discovered that his hairdresser is Jewish. “Is this what you call a “Jew-Fro?” Sharpton asked, fingering his bushy locks.

● Today, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. discovered that his late father was half Jewish. “I always wondered why he called his favorite car a ‘Jew Canoe,’ ” Earnhardt said.

● Today, Washington Post investigative reporter Bob Woodward discovered that his maternal great-uncle was Jewish. “I always did have a ‘nose for the news,’ ” Woodward bragged. “I can’t wait to tell Carl Bernstein!”

● Today, discredited memoirist and ex-alcoholic James Frey discovered that his mother was Jewish. “Man, that’s so good, even I couldn’t make it up,” Frey enthused.

● Today, jailed Indian-casino lobbyist Jack Abramoff discovered that he is not, in fact, Jewish. “Actually, I’m Native American,” Abramoff reported. “You know, a member of the tribe.”

● Today, pro football star and Messiah-wannabe Terrell Owens discovered that his mother was Jewish. “You know, Jesus was Jewish, too!” Owens said. “That’s another thing we have in common.”

● Today, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discovered that his great-uncle was Jewish. “See, I told you, the Holocaust never happened!” he raged. “I mean, I’m here, right?”

● Today, actor Mel Gibson discovered that his father was Jewish. “I still think the Jews caused all the wars.” Gibson insisted. “You wanna piece of me? Let’s take this outside.”

Share Button

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “Their Jewish Heritage”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Blue Valley High School, Overland Park, Kansas, the school attended by 14-year-old shooting victim Reat Griffin Underwood.
Kansas Shooting Suspect a White Supremacist, Indicted for Murder
Latest Indepth Stories
Lebovic-041814

How much is the human mind able to grasp of the Divine?

Benveniste-041814

Jews have brought the baggage of the galut (exile) mentality to the modern state of Israel.

Dann-041814

The Haggadah is an instruction manual on how to survive as strangers in strange lands.

It’s finally happened. New York Times public editor Margaret Sullivan reported on her blog that “many readers…wrote to object to an [April 2] article…on the breakdown in peace talks between Israel and the Palestinians,” claiming “[they] found the headline misleading and the article itself lacking in context.” Ms. Sullivan provided one such letter, quoted the […]

Nor did it seem relevant that according to widely circulated media reports, Rev. Sharpton was caught on an FBI surveillance video discussing possible drug sales with an FBI agent.

Jewish soldiers in the Polish forces often encountered anti-Semitic prejudice.

When the state was established, gedolim went to Ben-Gurion and asked him not to draft women and, later, yeshiva bachrim.

Perhaps worse than all the above is the acute lack of unity among Jews

At our seder we emulate the way it was celebrated in Temple times, as if the Temple still stood.

Not one world leader holds Abbas accountable for his part in the breakdown of negotiations.

The 1948 re-establishment of Jewish sovereignty was a modern day Exodus and Parting of the Sea.

Spies who caused American deaths and worked for enemy states received lighter sentences than Pollard.

Christie’s “good friend” is an Imam who supports murderers of Jews and defames Israel and Christians.

One grey night it happened, Bibi caved no more
& Poof that Foggy Bottomer, he vanished from our sight

More Articles from Jonathan Zimmerman

“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/opinions/their-jewish-heritage/2006/10/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: