web analytics
September 19, 2014 / 24 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
InDepth
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



Home » InDepth » Op-Eds »

Their Jewish Heritage


“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

● Today, President Bush discovered that his maternal grandmother was Jewish. “I still wore cowboy boots and cleared brush,” Bush said.

● Today, Vice President Dick Cheney discovered that his paternal grandfather was half-Jewish. “I still hunted,” Cheney noted.

● Today, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld discovered that his great-aunt was one-quarter Jewish. “I still used phrases like “Gee Whiz’ and ‘By Golly,’ and I was captain of my wrestling team,” Rumsfeld emphasized.

● Today, former first lady Nancy Reagan discovered that her astrologer was Jewish. “So that’s why I shop so much at Neiman-Marcus!” Reagan exclaimed.

● Today, UN Ambassador John Bolton discovered that his family’s original name was Billstein. “How could that be?” an astonished Bolton asked. “I don’t even like Chinese food.”

● Today, 9/11 Commission co-chair and ex-governor of New Jersey Thomas Kean discovered that his parents were both one-sixteenth Jewish. “Poppycock!” Kean replied. “I’m the least Jewish person on God’s green earth, and you know it.”

● Today, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton discovered that her pet Chihuahua is part Jewish. “Maybe that’s why Tinkerbell is so smart,” Hilton theorized.

● Today, African-American minister and presidential aspirant Al Sharpton discovered that his hairdresser is Jewish. “Is this what you call a “Jew-Fro?” Sharpton asked, fingering his bushy locks.

● Today, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. discovered that his late father was half Jewish. “I always wondered why he called his favorite car a ‘Jew Canoe,’ ” Earnhardt said.

● Today, Washington Post investigative reporter Bob Woodward discovered that his maternal great-uncle was Jewish. “I always did have a ‘nose for the news,’ ” Woodward bragged. “I can’t wait to tell Carl Bernstein!”

● Today, discredited memoirist and ex-alcoholic James Frey discovered that his mother was Jewish. “Man, that’s so good, even I couldn’t make it up,” Frey enthused.

● Today, jailed Indian-casino lobbyist Jack Abramoff discovered that he is not, in fact, Jewish. “Actually, I’m Native American,” Abramoff reported. “You know, a member of the tribe.”

● Today, pro football star and Messiah-wannabe Terrell Owens discovered that his mother was Jewish. “You know, Jesus was Jewish, too!” Owens said. “That’s another thing we have in common.”

● Today, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discovered that his great-uncle was Jewish. “See, I told you, the Holocaust never happened!” he raged. “I mean, I’m here, right?”

● Today, actor Mel Gibson discovered that his father was Jewish. “I still think the Jews caused all the wars.” Gibson insisted. “You wanna piece of me? Let’s take this outside.”

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Their Jewish Heritage”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Protest rally against Metropolitan Opera staging Death of Klinghoffer on 9/22 at 4:30 pm at the Met.
For Grass Roots Klinghoffer Protest 9/22, Jewish Establishment MIA
Latest Indepth Stories
IDF lone soldier and  David Menachem Gordon (z"l).

Why has his death been treated by some as an invitation for an emotional “autopsy”?

Starck-091914

SWOT analysis: Assessing resources, internal Strengths&Weaknesses; external Opportunities&Threats.

Kohn-091914

Strategy? For the longest time Obama couldn’t be bothered to have one against a sworn enemy.

Miller-091914

Seventeen visual skills are needed for success in school, sports, and everyday life.

We started The Jewish Press. Arnie was an integral part of the paper.

Fear alone is substantial; without fusing it to beauty, fear doesn’t reach its highest potential.

Fortunate are we to have Rosh Hashanah for repentance, a shofar to awaken heavenly mercy.

Arab leaders who want the US to stop Islamic State are afraid of being dubbed traitors and US agents

National Lawyers Guild:Sworn enemy of Israel & the legal arm of Palestinian terrorism since the ’70s

A little less than 10 percent of eligible Democratic voters came out on primary day, which translates into Mr. Cuomo having received the support of 6.2 percent of registered Democrats.

The reality, though, is that the Israeli “war crimes” scenario will likely be played out among highly partisan UN agencies, NGOs, and perhaps even the International Criminal Court.

Peace or the lack of it between Israel and the Palestinians matters not one whit when it comes to the long-term agenda of ISIS and other Islamists, nor does it affect any of the long-running inter-Arab conflicts and wars.

Rather than serving as a deterrent against terrorist attacks, Israel’s military strength and capabilities are instead looked at as an unfair advantage in the asymmetrical war in which it finds itself.

Sisi:”The religious nature of the Middle East creates challenges for the governing authorities.”

More Articles from Jonathan Zimmerman

“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/opinions/their-jewish-heritage/2006/10/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: