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Their Jewish Heritage



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“I still had a ham sandwich for lunch, and my mother made great pork chops” – U.S. Senator George Allen (R-Virginia), after discovering recently that his mother was Jewish.

● Today, President Bush discovered that his maternal grandmother was Jewish. “I still wore cowboy boots and cleared brush,” Bush said.

● Today, Vice President Dick Cheney discovered that his paternal grandfather was half-Jewish. “I still hunted,” Cheney noted.

● Today, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld discovered that his great-aunt was one-quarter Jewish. “I still used phrases like “Gee Whiz’ and ‘By Golly,’ and I was captain of my wrestling team,” Rumsfeld emphasized.

● Today, former first lady Nancy Reagan discovered that her astrologer was Jewish. “So that’s why I shop so much at Neiman-Marcus!” Reagan exclaimed.

● Today, UN Ambassador John Bolton discovered that his family’s original name was Billstein. “How could that be?” an astonished Bolton asked. “I don’t even like Chinese food.”

● Today, 9/11 Commission co-chair and ex-governor of New Jersey Thomas Kean discovered that his parents were both one-sixteenth Jewish. “Poppycock!” Kean replied. “I’m the least Jewish person on God’s green earth, and you know it.”

● Today, celebrity heiress Paris Hilton discovered that her pet Chihuahua is part Jewish. “Maybe that’s why Tinkerbell is so smart,” Hilton theorized.

● Today, African-American minister and presidential aspirant Al Sharpton discovered that his hairdresser is Jewish. “Is this what you call a “Jew-Fro?” Sharpton asked, fingering his bushy locks.

● Today, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr. discovered that his late father was half Jewish. “I always wondered why he called his favorite car a ‘Jew Canoe,’ ” Earnhardt said.

● Today, Washington Post investigative reporter Bob Woodward discovered that his maternal great-uncle was Jewish. “I always did have a ‘nose for the news,’ ” Woodward bragged. “I can’t wait to tell Carl Bernstein!”

● Today, discredited memoirist and ex-alcoholic James Frey discovered that his mother was Jewish. “Man, that’s so good, even I couldn’t make it up,” Frey enthused.

● Today, jailed Indian-casino lobbyist Jack Abramoff discovered that he is not, in fact, Jewish. “Actually, I’m Native American,” Abramoff reported. “You know, a member of the tribe.”

● Today, pro football star and Messiah-wannabe Terrell Owens discovered that his mother was Jewish. “You know, Jesus was Jewish, too!” Owens said. “That’s another thing we have in common.”

● Today, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discovered that his great-uncle was Jewish. “See, I told you, the Holocaust never happened!” he raged. “I mean, I’m here, right?”

● Today, actor Mel Gibson discovered that his father was Jewish. “I still think the Jews caused all the wars.” Gibson insisted. “You wanna piece of me? Let’s take this outside.”

Jonathan Zimmerman

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