web analytics
May 26, 2015 / 8 Sivan, 5775
At a Glance
InDepth
Sponsored Post


Home » InDepth » Op-Eds »

What Happened To Faith?


As an Orthodox rabbi living and working on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, I’m thrilled to see so many single men and women actively involved in Torah and mitzvot. This is also the case in Queens, Brooklyn, Long Island, and wherever else singles are found. Whereas in the not so distant past the observance level of many Orthodox singles dropped the longer they remained single, today there are more scrupulously observant single men and women than ever before.

Sounds great, but let me qualify what I’m saying.

When it comes to ritual observance, there’s a tremendous amount of attention paid to even the most minute details and stringencies. But here’s one religious area, probably the most important, that seems to have gotten lost in the unrelenting quest for the perfect shidduch: faith – better known in the frum world as bitachon.

I recently tried to set up a man I’ve known for years. He’s 38, good looking, successful, and earnestly frum. I had just met a very attractive woman I was sure he would be excited to meet. I started off my pitch and he was interested. Then I told him she was 33.

“Sorry, but 32 is my limit.”

“But she’s only 33, that’s just one y…”

“No, I’m very sorry but I need to stick to my rules.”

“OK, best of luck to you!”

This is not an isolated incident. In my role as a Sawyouatsinai matchmaker, I read through dozens of profiles of men in their late 30s to 40s (and yes, even 50s) who are very blunt in demanding to only be matched with women below a specific age, usually ranging from 32 to 35. The reason they give always relates to childbirth. They want to have big families and they’ve determined that women past a certain age are not biologically qualified.

I’m not going to attempt to debate the scientific factors regarding childbirth and aging because I’m neither a doctor nor a scientist. The large number of women on the Upper West Side, clearly in their 40s, pushing sets of twins and triplets in fancy buggies is obviously not the kind of empirical evidence one brings into the lab. As a rabbi, however, I do think I’m qualified to speak about bitachon. When I hear or read the age and family planning requirements of an older single man who is scrupulous in all areas of halacha my response is, “What happened to bitachon?”

You don’t know what Hashem’s plan is for you. No one does. Do you know how many younger couples are struggling to have even one child? Do you know if you’re even meant to have more than one or two children? Do you realize that the years you are spending in search of someone you believe can bear you a large family are years during which you could actually be enjoying the amazing blessing of a precious child of your own? If you finally do have children, are you going to be young enough to be able to play with them? What about your second child? How old will you be at the bar mitzvah? The Wedding? When grandchildren come along?

The answer to all of these questions is that it’s all in Hashem’s hands. Bitachon. We don’t have ultimate control over our destinies – and when we think we do, we usually learn the hard way that we don’t.

I wonder how many single religious single men above 30 have asked ask a rav whether it’s better to marry a woman they connect with and are attracted to who is 37 – or spend another few years (or more) single in the hope of marrying a 32 year old.

Having gotten married at age 41, I know what my answer is, but I’d like to know what our Gedolei Torah would say. My guess is they would agree with me, especially knowing the range of potential issurim waiting to ensnare even the most scrupulously religious unmarried man and all of the mitzvot, joy, and blessings that these men are missing out on without a spouse and family. Perhaps by clearly articulating their position, our rabbinic leaders could make a significant impact on the decisions of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of single men.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “What Happened To Faith?”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Former Israel Ambassador to the UN Dore Gold.
Bibi Seals Nationalist Policy with Dore Gold Heading Foreign Ministry
Latest Indepth Stories
Pope Francis at the Western. Is he praying there should not be too many Catholics in the world?

Consider the Pope’s desperation, reading daily reports of the slaughter of Christians by Muslims

Former US Senator, Joe Lieberman

The contrast between a Dem pretending to love Israel & a Dem who truly loves Israel is CRYSTAL CLEAR

israeli-american flags

Pentecost, derived from the Greek word for 50, is celebrated 50 days after Easter.

Israeli-flag

U.S and European demands for the creation of a Palestinian State in the West Bank is world hypocrisy.

We take a whole person approach, giving our people assistance with whatever they need.

During my spiritual journey I discovered G-d spoke to man only once, to the Jewish people at Sinai

20 years after the great Ethiopian aliyah, we must treat them like everyone else; no better or worse

Connecting Bamidbar&Shavuot is simple-A world without Torah is midbar; with Torah a blessed paradise

Many Black protesters compared Baltimore’s unrest to the Palestinian penchant of terrorism & rioting

She credited success to “mini” decisions-Small choices building on each other leading to big changes

Shavuot 1915, 200000 Jews were expelled; amongst the largest single expulsions since Roman times

Realizing there was no US military threat, Iran resumed, expanded & accelerated its nuclear program

“Enlightened Jews” who refuse to show chareidim the tolerance they insist we give to Arabs sicken me

Somewhat surprisingly, the Vatican’s unwelcome gesture was diametrically at odds with what President Obama signaled in an interview with the news outlet Al Arabiya.

The recent solid victory of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud Party produced something very different.

The reaction is so strong that nine times out of ten, parents engage in some form of coping mechanism before arriving at a level of acceptance of a special-needs diagnosis.

More Articles from Rabbi Arnie Singer

As an Orthodox rabbi living and working on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, I’m thrilled to see so many single men and women actively involved in Torah and mitzvot. This is also the case in Queens, Brooklyn, Long Island, and wherever else singles are found. Whereas in the not so distant past the observance level of many Orthodox singles dropped the longer they remained single, today there are more scrupulously observant single men and women than ever before.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/opinions/what-happened-to-faith/2011/03/30/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: