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A Little Gallows Humor

Achashveiros of Poras, 

Beset by domestic tzoras, 

Got a quickie fivoras…

But being single again just wasn’t the same.

He needed a wife in his haim

Soon shadchanim bustled

Askanim muscled

Poor Melech A. was deep in the parsha

With dates set up from Kush to Varsha

Until the King’s own youthful valets

Said, “We have a really great idea

Let’s bring the suitable girls all here!

 

Then, from every distant Mount and Island

As far as anyone could spy land

The Empire’s maids were gathered.

Arriving in the birah

Each girl got a magnifying mirah,

Perfumes, creams, beautifying potions

Jewels, spices, aromatic lotions…

They primped and curled, used every kintz.

 

At the time of which we speak

In a part of Porus not known for chic

Lived an exiled tzaddik, Mordechai and Hadassah, his niece

It came to pass this Bas Yisroel, Esther

Was taken in the Royal Search for maidens to sequester

As time went on the King made sure

To meet each lovely maiden

Who tried her best to captivate with makeup and klaiden

Until at last it came the turn of Esther.

 

The King was smitten, dazed, undone, he said I must confester

Of all the girls you’ve brought me

It’s Esther that has caught me

She’s modest, sweet and better yet

Her beauty takes away my bret

Shnell, tune up my orchester

I’ll marry pretty Esther.

 

Note: Our heroine never mentioned to a soul that she was Jewish

Mordechai asked her not to, with her royal status newish.

 

Mordechai stuck close and contemplated the courtyard Gate

From early morn until quite late

And happened so to overhear

Two fellas talking of murdering Esther’s brand-new spouse

Right there in his Royal house

Mordechai gave Esther the crucial information

To stymie the illicit operation

Then Mordechai’s deedin the Book of Days was written.

 

Then: Achashvairosh, the King

Promoted Haman, a grubber ying.

Haman had an ego the size of Cincinnati

When people didn’t bow to him this Agagite went batty

He really hated Mordechai, 

Who just said, softly, “Hey, man, hi,”

See, Mordechai, descendant of Rochel Imainu

Would only ever bow to Tzur Yisheinu

The more he thought about the Jew the more his face would blench.

He asked his helpmeet Zeresh to design a sweet revench

Haman threw a pur, what some might call a Lot.

It told him when to kill the Jews, and ADAR hit the spot.

 

 In every corner of the world where Achashveirosh reigned

The Jews knew they were targeted, the locals not constrained

And on the thirteenth of the month their doom quite legalized

The law was irreversible, their fate well advertised

Mordechai sent word to Esther, Queen of Persia

He told her “Use your influence; it’s no time for inertia.”

She considered dolefully and then to him replied

I’ll go and see my husband, but his love for me is cooling

Please have our people fast for me, three days and nights, no fooling.

 

Then Esther went to see the King

Risking her life to do the proper thing

The King was glad to see his wife: he was as pleased as punch

Queen Esther asked, “Will you and Haman come for lunch?”

When homeward bound Haman noticed Mordechai who ignored him.

Haman anger glowed, his mood was dark, his joy was now dim

His bile kept rising higher

And all because this upright Jew refused to call him Sire

His wife devised a brilliant plan to make her Hammie happy

They’d raise a gallows to the sky and hang the Jew real snappy.

 

It happened on that very night the King insomniated

He couldn’t sleep at all though he was not inebriated

So just to pass the time until he fell asleep sedately

He had his servants read to him about what happened lately

They started with the treachery of Seresh and of Bigsan

And how the Jewish Mordechai hut everything gefixan

The King was thrilled with Mordechai and asked

What kind of Glory was bestowed upon this Patriot

Who saved my Upper Story?

 

Before the lads could answer they heard a sandal scuffing

It was Haman, with his gallows plan no wonder he was huffing

Oh Haman, good you happened by, I have an urgent matter

There is a Certain Fellow who deserves at least a platter..?

Well, Haman swelled, his buttons popped, he’d never felt more mellow

For who, if not himself could be referred to as “that Fellow”?

John Doe, Haman responded, must be robed in garments Royal

Let him ride the king’s own steed adorned with castanets and foil

A Pasha, or a Grand Vizier, must lead the Melech’s Favorite, 

Through downtown Shushan publicly so he can fully savour it

This groom must bellow mightily, here passes a true Hero!

The King has glorified this man, compared to him I’m Zero. 

 

No sooner had he shut his yap than Haman did regret it.

For the King commanded, Mordechai the Jew deserves the credit.

So garb him just as you described and have the horse bedighted

And you, my noble minister, will lead him as you cited 

Now Haman turned a purple hue, (the man was way too portly)

He thought he’d have a heart attack, he’d been assaulted mortly

But so it was and thus it went, the Jew was elevated

By Haman, the Amalekite, who fumed as they paraded.

 

The duo passed The Hamans’ Pied A Terre, and at the casement

One of his graceless daughters with her slops paused in amazement 

And thinking Haman was bestride, the Jew with reins in hand

She aimed her pail right o’er the rail upon the Jew to land

And fouled instead her father’s head, he reeled and staggered madly

His clothes were drenched, his ego crushed, he needed to bathe, badly

And later as he chug-a-lugged a potent pick-me-upper,

The Palace sent for Haman to come join the Queen for supper.

 

The King, in Spirits high again, told Esther, his beloved

Your wish is my command, my Queen, and dearer than my kovod

Whatever is your heart’s desire I’ll grant for now and ever

And Esther answered, shockingly, Please save me from the kever

A Wicked Man has paid a sum in order just to butcher

The nation that Amalek hates and never ceased to mutcher

The King was roused to anger and he asked in towering rage

What Varlet dares to harm my Queen, and who has set the stage

Ups Esther loud and bell-like clear: its Haman who’s my foe.

He hates my Mordechai because he’s not a shmoe

He sold us all to be filleted, the man has no compassion.

 

The King, outraged went out, in tipsy fashion

Then Haman left alone with her, did beg Queen Esther’s pardon

His timing most unfortunate, as just then from the garden

His Majesty returned to find His minister collapsing

Upon the couch where Esther lay, she wasn’t really napsing

That really tore it: Haman was in hot water

He’d torment Jews no longer, thanks to Mama Rachel’s daughter.

 Now, Haman’s end was not enough to save the Jews of Shushan

An edict had been signed to law, and read out in each lashan

So Melech A. gave Mordechai executive permission

To write and seal another writ, an Up To Date Edition

Allowing Jews to save themselves, to plan and mount defenses

Against those bent on killing them. They later took a census:

In Shushan many hundreds died attacking local Yiddin

And in addition Haman’s sons, all ten of them, no kiddin

So on Yud Daled Adar and in certain places later

Each year we hear this story read of Haman the Yiddin Hater

His Majesty Achashvairosh King of Kush

And continental Hodoo gave Mordechai rechush

And made him his lieutenant, his second in command

And there was peace and plenty for the Jews in all the land….

 

And we see whatever happens in this world somehow affects us

But wherever in the world we are we know Hashem protects us.

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