Anguish That Does Not Go Away: Reader Responses
Latest update: April 22nd, 2013
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For the past few weeks my column has focused on the difficulties singles experience while trying to find their soul mates. The response has been so overwhelming that before adding more of my own comments, I will share two reader e-mails with you, one from a single woman, the other from a shadchan directed at the anguished, thirty-plus single whose letter in my Jan. 16 column started this discussion.
(B’ezras Hashem, in a future column I will publish more e-mails on the subject.)
Letter 1 – from G.K., a frustrated single:
Dear Rebbetzin:
I am writing this with much emotion. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am a bit heartbroken. I actually don’t know what to feel at this point, but I can tell you I have never felt like this in my life.
I am thirty years old and still in the dating parshah, but I’m not bitter about it. Baruch Hashem, I go out with very mentschlech men but, unfortunately, the matches haven’t been appropriate. I attend shidduch meetings, singles events, and Shabbatons and my profile is featured on various shidduch websites. I have watched many friends walk down the aisle to the chuppah, and my heart is filled with nothing but joy for them because I know that while my time has not yet come, hopefully it will – and soon.
It is not a very good feeling to have to call or meet with a stranger in order to ask for help in finding a husband because nothing else has worked. Some shadchanim take the time to really try to get to know you, but some only meet with you for minutes, insist on a “good” picture, and then, no matter how many times you try to call them, you reach a voicemail message or they never return your calls.
Let me explain what has led me to my current emotional unrest. I was given the name of a shadchan who works for a website. I called and told her a little about myself and what I am looking for in a mate. After exchanging pleasantries, the shadchan began barking at me: “How old are you?” “What do you do?” “What are you looking for?”
No sooner had I finished explaining the type of young man I was looking for than this woman said, “The type of guy you want only wants a model and you are no model. Beside which, guys like that are married by now. These men know what they want – and they don’t want you.”
I was speechless. When I finally regained my voice I angrily said, “How do you know I am not a model? You have no idea what I look like. How dare you say something like that to someone! You know nothing about me.”
She replied, “You are thirty years old. If you are a model, let me ask you: What have you done wrong? Why are you not married by now?”
This a shadchan?! This someone who is supposed to help frum men and women find their life partners? She’d never met me, yet she told me I am not attractive and it is my fault I am not married. When I asked her why she said that, she told me she was just trying to help. What type of “help” is she trying to offer? She ended the conversation by informing me, “Listen, you should really take the next guy who walks through your door or consider dating a divorced man with children, because that’s all you’ll get.”
Who is she to say what she said? Apparently, she is a highly recommended shadchan who doesn’t know how to speak to or treat people. She doesn’t know the damage she inflicts on individuals. Where is the chesed of “bein adam l’chaveiro – kindness and consideration extended to our fellow man”?
As I stated above, it is hard enough to make that call and ask for help, but to be met with such hostility and viciousness was horrifying. For the next few days her words echoed in my head like a bad nightmare – only it actually happened.
Shadchanim are supposed to help singles find their basherte. They should return phone calls to singles who request their assistance. There is no mitzvah in collecting profiles just to be able to say you have a treasure trove of profiles. I once called a shadchan five times over the course of two months and never received a call, text, or e-mail back. I finally got the message she was trying to convey – “I don’t have anyone for you and I am too busy to help you.” I never called her again, but at our initial meeting she had said, “Oh, I love you! In high school we would have been best friends. I have so many names in mind. Call me!”
Shadchanim must always bear in mind the weight their words carry and how they affect the singles they come in contact with.
Letter 2 – from a shadchan to the reader whose letter appeared in the Jan. 16 issue:
Dear Anguished:
I am a shadchan living in the Five Towns. I can assure you your complaints do not go unheeded. There are so many wonderful people who do care a lot about the plight of singles of all ages. We spend many hours and days looking for shidduchs for all of the people who send us their resumes. We e-mail other shadchanim (men and women) to share their singles and hopefully, we connect for even one couple. We have seminars where the whole community gets together to find ways to help.
Even our busy rebbetzins share their advice and urge all members of the shul to become involved. I personally like the “Table for Eight Shabbos” which brings 24 singles together for a meaningful but most importantly a sociable Shabbos.
What do I get out of it? A challenge to the so-called shidduch crisis. I don’t give up. To complain to you that both men and women don’t get back to us is a waste of precious time. So many of you will not change your lists of priorities and just keep missing out on potential mates.
Even though I don’t know you, you are a neshamah looking for your soul mate. I want to help. I’ll do my hishtadlus for you as long as you remember that Hashem loves you always. Daven to Him, cry to Him. Maybe your prayers will be answered because someone else, a stranger, in fact, cares enough to give their time and prayers for you.
My son, a”h, passed away at the age of 19. His soul must be in Shamayim because his basherte on this earth was never meant to be. I decided, as I returned my gift to Hashem, that I would try to find z’voogim – soul mates – for others and give thanks to Hashem for the gift I had those 19 years.
In the zechus – merit – that his neshamah has an aliyah, I welcome you to allow me to find someone for you.
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2 Responses to “Anguish That Does Not Go Away: Reader Responses”
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Here is a completely different perspective–one that shows I and my friends are not alone in being happily single: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/articles/single_by_choice_why_more_of_us_than_ever_before_are_happy_to_never_get_married/page1
The shadchan was probably very unhappy in her own marriage and was looking for someone weaker, more vulnerable to take out her own unhappiness on. Also, she was a bully and a sadist in her behavior toward someone in a vulnerable position. This is what I would have said: “Hashem has given me an appearance that attracts many men for the wrong reason. My mother always warned me to keep my distance from men who are attracted to me for superficial reasons. I immediately know when men do not have ruchnius in mind. This is why I am not married. Although I am careful to dress in the most tzniusdik way, I find myself surrounded by men (and their mothers) who are obviously looking for beauty. I am deeper than that and want someone who sees beyond the pleasing surface. All I will say is that you are mistaken in your assumption that I lack the qualities men are looking for. I will say no more about myself, since that would be untzniusdik.”