web analytics
January 28, 2015 / 8 Shevat, 5775
 
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post


Dashed Expectations and Single Daughters (2)

The first thing you need to do is bring your burden to our loving Father. Speak to Hashem from the heart.
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Two weeks ago I shared an e-mail I received from a rebbetzin who resides in a small community on the West Coast. She related that when she and her husband got married they wanted to commit themselves to rejuvenating our people with the light of Torah. An opportunity presented itself when they heard a small congregation was searching for a spiritual leader. The community grew by leaps and bounds and, baruch Hashem, they succeeded beyond their expectations.

The problem started when their two daughters returned from studying in Yerushalayim. Despite a four-year age difference, they were both at the shidduch stage. The rebbetzin and her husband decided they would not allow the younger one to date until her older sister was settled.

Time went by without a successful match. Finally, the older daughter moved to New York for the sole purpose of finding a shidduch. Eventually the rebbetzin and her husband decided they would take a one-year leave of absence from their shul and move to New York to help in the search.

Unfortunately, no shidduch was made and the rebbetzin and her husband returned home, leaving the younger daughter with her older sister in New York. Now the parents are wondering if they should allow the younger one to date before the older one, who’s fast approaching her late 20s, finds a shidduch.

The following is my response.

My dear friend,

I understand your worries and am sensitive to your concerns. Please bear in mind that many parents share your dilemma even though they reside in major Orthodox communities.

The first thing you need to do is bring your burden to our loving Father.  Speak to Hashem from the heart. Tell Him: “I tried to dedicate my life to bringing Torah to Your children , and in that merit please bring a shidduch to my daughters. I did my hishtadlus; I spared no effort – but so far it has been to no avail. Hashem, I leave it all up to You. You hold the key to all shidduchim so please place that key in the hands of my daughters and in the hands of the young men who are their basherts.”

Having done that, you must continue with your own efforts. You cannot sit by passively and just wait for miracles. I have several practical suggestions.

Be very careful to preserve the dignity of your older daughter. Don’t let her see you crying over her. Don’t let her hear you talking about her. Such an attitude can only be destructive – she may really come to believe there is no hope or future for her. Time and again I have told parents with older single children (especially daughters) to be on guard and refrain from placing salt in their wounds.

Your daughter is aware of her problem. Believe me, she doesn’t need reminders. The very fact that you decided to take a Sabbatical year in New York to be with your daughter, rather than in Israel to refresh yourself spiritually, is indication enough that you are worried about her.

So try to relax. When your daughter calls, don’t assail her with any questions she can interpret as “Any dates in the offing?” Limit yourself to questions like “How are you, sweetheart?” and “How’s your job?” In order words, innocent conversation-starters that do no harm. And be sure not to ask her whether she’s spoken to this or that shadchan or whether she’s followed up with this rabbi or that one.

Don’t chastise your daughter by saying things like “You can’t be passive; you have to keep on the backs of all the shadchanim or they’ll forget you.” You go to the shadchan on her behalf. You remind them.

You should impart confidence and hope in your daughter. If she brings up the subject, tell her not to worry and reassure her that her shidduch will come at the time Hashem has designated.

I know this is easier said then done. I know your heart is heavy and your pain is overwhelming – but you are a mother, and for the sake of your daughter you must remain calm.

You asked whether you should let your younger daughter date while her older sister is still single. This is a terrible dilemma for parents with more than one child of shidduch age. We have a well-established tradition that the older goes before the younger, but in situations such as yours it is not quite so simple.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Dashed Expectations and Single Daughters (2)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
IDF soldiers evacuating wounded near northern border town of Ghajar.
Northern Golan Heights Declared Closed Military Zone
Latest Judaism Stories
Tissot_The_Waters_Are_Divided

Leading by example must be visible, regarding where, when and how-like Nachshon entering the Red Sea

Torah-Hakehillah-121914

Rabbi Yaakov Nagen, a Ram at Yeshivat Otniel, notes that the verse is suggesting that retelling the story of the Exodus is so important that Hashem is performing ever-greater miracles specifically so that parents can tell their stories to future generations.

Parshat Bo

Before performing the 10th plague God makes a fundamental argument about the ultimate nature of justice.

Daf-Yomi-logo

Life Before The Printed Word
‘A Revi’is Of Blood’
(Yevamos 114a-b)

How is it possible that the clothing was more valuable to them than gold or silver?

Question: If Abraham was commanded to circumcise his descendants on the eighth day, why do Arabs – who claim to descend from Abraham through Yishmael – wait until their children are 13 to circumcise them? I am aware that this is a matter of little consequence to our people. Nevertheless, this inconsistency is one that piques my curiosity.

M. Goldman
(Via E-mail)

“It means that the disqualification of relatives as witnesses is a procedural issue, not a question of honesty,” explained Rabbi Dayan.

Property ownership is an extremely important and fundamental right and principle according to the Torah.

The tenderest description of the husband/wife relationship is “re’im v’ahuvim/loving, kind friends”

And if a person can take steps to perform the mitzvah, he should do so (even if he won’t be held accountable for not performing it due to circumstances beyond his control).

Suddenly, she turns to me and says, “B’emet, I need to thank you, you made me excited to come back to Israel.”

Pesach is called “zikaron,” a Biblical term used describing an object eliciting a certain memory

Recouping $ and assets from Germans and Swiss for their Holocaust actions is rooted in the Exodus

Pharaoh perverted symbols of life (the Nile and midwives) into agents of death.

I think that we have to follow the approach of the Tannaim and Amoraim. They followed the latest scientific developments of their time.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

“Surely,” my family insisted, “there must be someone suitable for you. You can’t be so picky.”

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Shouldn’t we Jews, having experienced the barbarism of many societies, speak support the NYPD?

They stammer “I’m not Orthodox,” as if that absolves them from the responsibility of calling to G-d

Prayer is our language: Hakol kol Yaakov – the voice is the voice of Jacob – the voice of prayer.

When art and evil are intermingled, evil is elevated and made acceptable.

In BB, he said “You, my children are the angels of Shabbos and the licht are your beautiful eyes.”

Why does Hebrew refer to mothers-in-law as “sunshine” when society often calls them the opposite?

Boundaries must be set in every home. Parents and children are not pals. They are not equals.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/dashed-expectations-and-single-daughters-2/2013/11/07/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: