web analytics
December 26, 2014 / 4 Tevet, 5775
 
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



Mending Broken Hearts

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

In the past few columns I’ve discussed the suffering of young people and their families when wedding plans are terminated shortly before the scheduled simcha.

Last week I responded to a mother who wrote of the pain her daughter endured when she realized she needed to call off her wedding due to negative information about her young man that came to light.

This week I’m responding to a woman whose letter I shared with readers three weeks ago. Just days prior to her daughter’s wedding, the chosson’s rabbi came to this woman and her husband to inform them the young man could not go through with the marriage.

As I noted last week, there are no magical solutions for parents who wish to protect their children from painful experiences. There are, however, some practical suggestions I can offer.

Evaluate what sort of shidduch you are looking for. Parents invariably say they are looking for a balabatish shidduch – a candidate who comes from a respectful, honorable home. Increasingly, however, balabatish has become synonymous with wealthy. Hakesef ya’aneh es hakol – money resolves everything. So someone dull becomes smart; someone homely becomes average looking or better; someone crude becomes presentable. At least that’s the attitude when money becomes central.

If parents make shidduchim for their children based on money, they can’t really complain when they are disappointed. The truth is, money does not resolve everything. A good shidduch refers to someone who is kind, positive, committed, reliable, honest, and truthful. Above all, he or she must be a Torahdik person.

Family background is important. Whether we like it or not, we are all, to one extent or another, products of our past – even if intellectually we reject the dysfunctional behavior we may have witnessed in our homes. As much as a person is determined never to repeat those mistakes, he or she may well find that despite themselves they engage in similar destructive activity. So examine the family carefully.

Friends, classmates, dorm partners, co-workers, rabbis, teachers, camp counselors, friends and neighbors of a potential marriage partner must all be spoken with and questioned. Someone is certain to ask, “But are we permitted to speak lashon hara?” The answer is no. But – and this is a big but – when it comes to a shidduch situation, where people’s lives are at stake, we must relate the truth.

Of course we have to know in our heart that we do not have ulterior motives – that we do not speak out of bias, that we are not injecting our own prejudices and hostile feelings toward a shidduch candidate or the shidduch candidate’s family. When in doubt, ask a rabbi for guidance.

When we ask questions we must be specific and clear. I’ll use the male pronoun for brevity’s sake, but this obviously applies to both men and women:

Does he have a positive and joyous attitude toward life?

Is he moody?

Does he have a short temper?

Does he get along with his classmates or co-workers?

Does he hold grudges?

Is he helpful to others?

Is he on any medication?

Does he have an attitude of entitlement?

Is he possessive and jealous?

How does he handle money?

Is his word to be trusted?

Does he have self-destructive habits?

Does he refer to his parents or siblings pejoratively?

Does he smile easily or does he have a long grouchy face that cries out “I have issues”?

Now let us assess his Torah commitments.

Does he get to minyan in time?

Does he talk throughout davening?

If he is no longer learning in yeshiva does he set aside time for Torah study?

Does he give tzedakah? It’s not the amount that counts but the manner in which he gives it. Does he do it grudgingly or with an open hand?

None of these questions can be overlooked. They are all crucial to building a genuine Jewish home where shalom bayis will prevail and children will thrive under the loving care of their parents. When it comes to a shidduch we cannot just fall into a situation hoping for the best or make a hasty shidduch because all the friends of our children are already married.

Having said this, I have to concede we are all human beings and as much as we may think we made a thorough investigation, we cannot be too confident. Disappointments come, and they come quickly and painfully.

The only solution is to daven with a full heart and beg Hashem to lead us to the “right one.” It is only Hashem who knows what is good, and we place our total trust in Him.

In the final analysis, my answer to the mother who wrote about her daughter being abandoned by her young man a few days before the wedding is this: Don’t flagellate yourself. Even if you would have done all your hishtadlus, unforeseen situations can occur. But try to remember that in every sorrow there’s always something good. Better that you learned about the problems now rather than later when further generations could be hurt with a dark shadow of a broken home hovering over them.

B’ezrat Hashem, your daughter will soon find her true bashert with whom she will build a bayis ne’eman bYisrael. Don’t forget to invite me to the wedding!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Mending Broken Hearts”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Ayala Shapira, 11, is fighting for her life after suffering burn wounds when an Arab terrorist threw a Molotov cocktail at the car in which she was riding.
‘Slight Improvement’ in Life-threatening Condition of Firebomb Victim
Latest Judaism Stories
Grunfeld-Raphael-logo

The court cannot solely rely on death certificates issued by non-Jewish institutions without conducting its own investigation into the facts of the case.

Business-Halacha-logo

“I’m still not sure we have a right to damage his property,” said Mrs. Schloss. “Can you ask someone?”

Rabbi Sacks

Jacob’s blessing of Ephraim over Manasseh had nothing to do with age and everything to do with names

The Glory of Joseph

Slavery was universal; So, why was Egypt targeted in this object lesson?

Rav Akiva Eiger is assuming that the logic of the halacha that both the son and his mother are obligated to honor his father and therefore he must honor his fathers wishes first, is a mathematical equation.

The first requirement is a king must admit when he is wrong.

Reward And Punishment
‘Masser Rishon For The levi’im’
(Yevamos 86a)

Question: If Abraham was commanded to circumcise his descendants on the eighth day, why do Arabs – who claim to descend from Abraham through Yishmael – wait until their children are 13 to circumcise them? I am aware that this is a matter of little consequence to our people. Nevertheless, this inconsistency is one that piques my curiosity.

M. Goldman
(Via E-mail)

Reb Shlomo Zalman could not endure honorifics applied to him because of his enormous humility

Because we see these events as world changing, as moments in history, they become part of us forever.

They stammer “I’m not Orthodox,” as if that absolves them from the responsibility of calling to G-d

It’s fascinating how sources attain the status “traditional,” or its equivalent level of kashrus.

She was determined that the Law class was Dina’s best chance of finding a husband, and that was the real reason she wanted her to go to college.

But who would have ever guessed that Hashem would unlock the key to the birth on same day as the English anniversary of our wedding.

Rabbi Fohrman explores the question of how God communicates with us today.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

They stammer “I’m not Orthodox,” as if that absolves them from the responsibility of calling to G-d

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Prayer is our language: Hakol kol Yaakov – the voice is the voice of Jacob – the voice of prayer.

When art and evil are intermingled, evil is elevated and made acceptable.

In BB, he said “You, my children are the angels of Shabbos and the licht are your beautiful eyes.”

Why does Hebrew refer to mothers-in-law as “sunshine” when society often calls them the opposite?

Boundaries must be set in every home. Parents and children are not pals. They are not equals.

The call of the shofar is eternal. It is not musical. Its magnetic allurement cannot be explained.

We recently marked the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 – that terrible day when the symbols of man’s power and achievement crumbled before our eyes and disappeared in fire and smoke. For a very brief moment we lost our smugness. Our confidence was shaken. Many of us actually searched our ways. Some of us even learned […]

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/mending-broken-hearts/2014/02/20/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: