web analytics
December 27, 2014 / 5 Tevet, 5775
 
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



Shidduch Challenges: Where Is Your Soul Mate?


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

For a number of weeks now I have been discussing the crisis among singles. I hope the columns have provided some clarity and a better understanding of this dilemma.

In this concluding column I would like to focus on the big question so many have asked: Since our faith teaches that every person has a soul mate – bashert – designated by Heaven, how is it that so many cannot find their partners?

Searching for your soul mate becomes easier when you have faith. It is written that forty days before our creation G-d selects a match for us. That knowledge is very fortifying, for if a potential match doesn’t work out, there is no sense of personal rejection. We find consolation in the thought his person was probably not the one G-d chose for us. So although we must do our part in pursuing a match, if in the process we encounter disappointments, we don’t despair. We put it down to its not having been bashert.

At a singles gathering, an attractive woman in her thirties approached me. “Rebbetzin,” she said, “I’ve been on more dates than I care to count. I’m suffering from date burnout, and frankly, I’m tired. If everyone has a bashert, why is it taking me so long to find mine?”

I answered her with two stories – one from our ancient past and one from today.  “It is written in the Midrash that King Solomon had an exquisite daughter and, like all fathers, wanted a very special husband for her – someone who would be truly worthy of a princess. But the king foresaw his beautiful daughter was destined to marry an impoverished young man from a totally unsuitable family. To ensure this would never happen, he built a palace on an island and sent his daughter there. He stationed armed guards all around the perimeter and felt quite secure that these precautions would protect the princess from an inappropriate marriage.

“One day it happened that despite all the guards and protective walls, a young pauper, barefoot and dressed in rags, miraculously found his way into the well-guarded gardens of the palace. The next morning, when the princess took her daily walk, she came upon the pauper. ‘I am a traveler from the holy city of Acco,’ he explained.

“The princess had compassion for him and secretly arranged for his care. As she came to know him, she discovered he was a man of great depth and sensitivity – an outstanding Torah scholar and a gifted scribe. Soon the young man proposed marriage, which the princess readily accepted. In no time at all, the secret was out, and with great trepidation the guards informed King Solomon. But to everyone’s relief, when King Solomon heard the news he proclaimed, ‘Blessed be Almighty G-d who forever brings together the husband and wife who are destined for each other.’ ”

I paused for a moment and told the young woman, “You see, G-d has many wondrous ways of uniting those who are meant for each other. So, yes, everyone has a bashert, and G-d helps you to find him or her even under the strangest and most inexplicable circumstances.”

I then told her another story. “Many years ago, my daughter Slovie went to Israel on a mission for our Hineni organization, and while she was there, her future husband, who was visiting from Brazil, caught a glimpse of her and the rest is history. So G-d does bring together souls that are meant for each other even if they are separated by oceans and live in different parts of the world.”

I added, however, that it doesn’t end there. “G-d endows each and every person with free will, and since we live in a world in which values have become blurred, in which Hollywood rather than Torah values shapes our expectations, it is easy to make wrong decisions and reject our soul mates when we meet them. We tend to look for fluff rather than substance, good looks rather than a kind heart; deep pockets rather than a profound mind, so its little wonder our soul mates sometimes slip by.

“There is a well known story about a bachelor in his forties who traveled to the Holy Land to consult a great sage about this very same problem. He asked, ‘If everyone has a bashert why haven’t I found mine?’

The rabbi gazed at him with piercing eyes, “You did find her, but when you met her you thought her nose was too long.”

The young woman nodded. “What’s the answer, then?” she asked me. “What measures can we take to ensure we choose the person destined for us?”

“It’s not easy,” I replied, “but since it all comes from G-d, first and foremost we have to pray that when we meet him or her, He will open our eyes so we may know this is the “right” one and, moreover, that our ‘other half’ should recognize us. When my own children were ready to consider marriage, my father would caution us not to beseech G-d for any one specific person. The one you might consider to be absolutely perfect could turn out to be a disaster, so place your trust in Hashem and ask that He guide each child to his or her bashert.”

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

One Response to “Shidduch Challenges: Where Is Your Soul Mate?”

  1. Avraham Chaim says:

    Let’s put a good portion of the blame on the rebbeim. In their desire to stop inappropriate behavior, they have made it more difficult for young singles to meet. When I was single, back in the 70′s, there were many opportunities for young people to socialize informally and make connections. There were mixers, Brooklyn College house parties and other ways to meet. Virtually everybody in my age bracket got married.

    Today, these are all gone. Even at weddings, there is separate seating. A couple at the “singles’s table” met at our wedding. In today’s world, they would have sat at single sex tables and probably never would have met.

    Until the rebbeim wake up and realize that they are part of the problem, there will never be a solution.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Michael Ben-Ari launches his Otzma party election campaign.
Haredi and Hard-Core Right-Wingers May Help Elect the Left
Latest Judaism Stories
Torah-Hakehillah-121914

Why is the tzitzis reminder on our clothing? How does it remind us that there are 613 mitzvos?

Grunfeld-Raphael-logo

The court cannot solely rely on death certificates issued by non-Jewish institutions without conducting its own investigation into the facts of the case.

Business-Halacha-logo

“I’m still not sure we have a right to damage his property,” said Mrs. Schloss. “Can you ask someone?”

Rabbi Sacks

Jacob’s blessing of Ephraim over Manasseh had nothing to do with age and everything to do with names

Slavery was universal; So, why was Egypt targeted in this object lesson?

Rav Akiva Eiger is assuming that the logic of the halacha that both the son and his mother are obligated to honor his father and therefore he must honor his fathers wishes first, is a mathematical equation.

The first requirement is a king must admit when he is wrong.

Reward And Punishment
‘Masser Rishon For The levi’im’
(Yevamos 86a)

Question: If Abraham was commanded to circumcise his descendants on the eighth day, why do Arabs – who claim to descend from Abraham through Yishmael – wait until their children are 13 to circumcise them? I am aware that this is a matter of little consequence to our people. Nevertheless, this inconsistency is one that piques my curiosity.

M. Goldman
(Via E-mail)

Reb Shlomo Zalman could not endure honorifics applied to him because of his enormous humility

Because we see these events as world changing, as moments in history, they become part of us forever.

They stammer “I’m not Orthodox,” as if that absolves them from the responsibility of calling to G-d

It’s fascinating how sources attain the status “traditional,” or its equivalent level of kashrus.

She was determined that the Law class was Dina’s best chance of finding a husband, and that was the real reason she wanted her to go to college.

But who would have ever guessed that Hashem would unlock the key to the birth on same day as the English anniversary of our wedding.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

They stammer “I’m not Orthodox,” as if that absolves them from the responsibility of calling to G-d

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Prayer is our language: Hakol kol Yaakov – the voice is the voice of Jacob – the voice of prayer.

When art and evil are intermingled, evil is elevated and made acceptable.

In BB, he said “You, my children are the angels of Shabbos and the licht are your beautiful eyes.”

Why does Hebrew refer to mothers-in-law as “sunshine” when society often calls them the opposite?

Boundaries must be set in every home. Parents and children are not pals. They are not equals.

The call of the shofar is eternal. It is not musical. Its magnetic allurement cannot be explained.

We recently marked the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 – that terrible day when the symbols of man’s power and achievement crumbled before our eyes and disappeared in fire and smoke. For a very brief moment we lost our smugness. Our confidence was shaken. Many of us actually searched our ways. Some of us even learned […]

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/shidduch-challenges-where-is-your-soul-mate/2012/02/15/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: