web analytics
September 15, 2014 / 20 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
News & Views
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



Yori’s Jewish NuzeKlips, Feb 29/12


© Cartoon Rehabilitation Program, 2012

© Cartoon Rehabilitation Program, 2012
Photo Credit: Yori Yanover

Hello, my holy Jewish brethren and sistren, hope you’re in a mood to learn about all the stuff our planet has to offer in areas of interest to the people of the book (we used to call ourselves People of the Bookmark, but that’s just so geezertalk, might as well be reminiscing over how we got that steam engine installed and Yankel Hershkowitz said it’ll never work – but I’m digressing).

But before we start, I gotta’ share this joke with you, if it’s ancient don’t hate me, I’m trying my best here. This secular guy complains to his friend that his eldest boy did T’shuva. A year later they meet again, and the secular guy is in tears – his second oldest son did T’shuva. Another year goes by, and he’s just destroyed – his youngest boy up and did T’shuva. So his friend tells him, You know, with this happening to so many of your children, it sounds really serious, maybe you should check your mezuzahs?

A YIDDISHE ROBBERY

Man arrested in Theft of Synagogue Artifacts

Religious artifact stolen from Queens synagogue

Religious artifact stolen from Queens synagogue

The Daily News just reported that Police arrested Efram Sanders, 28, who lives just three blocks from the Congregation Ohel Rachel Degel Israel Synagogue on 68th Drive in Kew Gardens Hills Tuesday, on suspicion of stealing more than a dozen religious artifacts.

Sanders was picked up after he took the stuff to a pawn shop, police said. You see? Can’t trust those pawn shop owners – you drop the loot, you turn around, and they call the cops on you.

Rabbi David Sheinfeld said Sanders had visited the synagogue in the past but was not a member of the congregation.

You think maybe they didn’t give him an aliyah so he took Hotza’ah v’Hachnassah instead? (that’s when you’re called to take out the Torah – which, let’s face it, he did).

Look at us, telling jokes about synagogue theft. If it wasn’t Adar time…

THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND THE JEWS

Rabbi Esther Reed

Rabbi Esther Reed

The New Brunswick, NJ, Daily Targum, reports on a panel of representatives of Judaism, Christianity and Islam discussed gender roles in religion yesterday at the Cook Campus Center. (Panel explains gender differences in religion).

So what did the rabbi say – right? Who has the strength to listen to the whole thing until you finally get to the rabbi? Not to worry, they served up the rabbi first.

Rabbi Esther Reed, associate director for Jewish Campus Life at Rutgers Hillel, said followers of Judaism do not believe that a man and woman are inherently different.

So now you know that a rabbi is capable of speaking through a variety of cavities, not necessarily the oris (that’s Latin for mouth, because Latin is the last resort of the scoundrel).

“I personally do not believe that gender is a fixed thing,” Reed said. “I don’t believe God made human beings so that men are made one way and women another way.”

Oh, man, I could have taken this story to such amazing places, but I can’t, because they’ll take away my G rating. So use your imagination and by all means go, go…

Thank God for Imam Moustafa Zayed, who set the record straight, saying, “One gender can do what the other does, but the two elements cannot fill themselves and their worth unless they complement each other and complete each other.”

And this is how monotheism’s good name was rescued by a child of Abraham, but from the shikse…

LATTER DAY THIS

Congrats on this hilarious retort to All Hat No Cattle

Congrats on this hilarious retort to All Hat No Cattle

Are you worried that one day, after you shut your eyes permanently and walk toward the light, some creepy Mormon would sneak up to your grave and baptize you against your will? (For a full view of the funny, funny image on the right, go to All Hat No Cattle – make it go viral.)

Mormon ritual is no threat to Jews, declares Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby, who says he knew that some Mormons, eager to save the souls of dead Jews, had taken to submitting the names of Holocaust victims for posthumous baptism.

“The discovery didn’t trouble me at all. In Judaism, conversion after death is a concept without meaning; no after-the-fact rites in this world can possibly change the Jewishness of the men, women, children, and babies whom the Nazis, in their obsessive hatred, singled out for extermination. I found the Mormons’ belief eccentric, not offensive. By my lights, their efforts to make salvation available to millions of deceased strangers were ineffectual. But plainly they were sincere, and intended as a kindness.”

Jacoby is right, of course, in refusing to panic over this weird goyeshe stuff, but you know something, it still creeps me out that a bunch of cult heathen would lay their hands – even as an idea which packs no halachic offense at all. Lay off my zeide, go baptize yo mama, is how I react.

I’m an angry, angry man.

Incidentally, while working on this piece, this new item came in from Boston.com:

Mormons baptized slain reporter Daniel Pearl.

Helen Radkey, the excommunicated Mormon who’s been combing through the church’s archives, said that records indicate Pearl, who was Jewish, was baptized by proxy on June 1, 2011 at a Mormon temple in Twin Falls, Idaho. That’s Daniel Pearl the Wall Street Journal reporter who was captured and killed by terrorists in Pakistan.

Now would Jacoby feel like he has to take a shower?

ALBERT BROOKS? TRY ALBERT SPEER!

Albert Brooks in "Drive"Jews without a sense of proportion should be a category all  by itself, or, possibly, a sub category of Jews with no sense of humor. But you know something? You be the judge.

Lawsuit alleges movie ‘Drive’ is anti-Semitic

Pontiac, Michigan, resident Sarah Deming sued CH Novi, Emagine Novi and FilmDistrict Distribution, after the September, 2011 release of the movie “Drive,” starring Ryan Gosling and Albert Brooks. It has so far made more than $35 million, and Sarah says it did it in violation of the Michigan Consumer Protection Act.

She believes it was misrepresented in a movie trailer as a “race action film similar to ‘Fast and Furious.’” But instead of “high speed action, race driving or chase driving” she was offended by “predominately Nazi style anti-Semitic propaganda.”

Deming alleges “Drive” portrayed only Jewish characters as evil, murderous, dishonest and scheming.

But wait, Michigan readers, here’s your chance to make some change on the side: Deming’s complaint has been amended and now seeks to be certified as a class-action lawsuit on behalf of anyone who has ever bought a ticket for or purchased a copy of “Drive,” because the film advances “content that urges the consumer to murder Jewish civilians through overt, subtle and subliminal content.”

I don’t know – Albert Brooks an anti-Semite? Seriously? I don’t see this doggie catching no rabbit any time soon, but let’s keep on watching, and, like I said, if you’re in Michigan, check out the DVD, just in case you’ll be offended (now that we told you how), and make a buck.

HUMAN RIGHTS WATCH GUY GETS WATCHED BACK

Human Rights Watcher Bill Van Esveld

Human Rights Watcher Bill Van Esveld

Bill Van Esveld, a member of Human Rights Watch, was forced to defend his statements at a heated forum on Tuesday, after several members of his audience accused him of taking a biased approach to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The Arizona daily Wildcat (Damn, why didn’t we think of that name first?) reports in Rights advocate accused of bias, that Van Esveld, although stressing that both he and his organization are nonpartisan and concerned with prosecuting those who abuse human rights law regardless of their nationality, ethnicity, religion or otherwise, nevertheless clearly took the Arabs’ side Operation “Cast Lead,” the December, 2008 Israeli military campaign in the Gaza Strip that killed about 1,400 Palestinians.

Ken Miller, a graduate student in the Judaic Studies department , told Van Esveld: “A couple thousand rockets, mortars and missiles were launched from the populated areas in Gaza against the residents in Southern Israel. You’re not mentioning that at all in context with why Israel would go in to retaliate against Hamas in Gaza.”

As he continued, two pro-Palestine men spoke up. Soon, the three men were shouting over each other and Van Esveld was struggling to regain control of the discussion.

Finally, Van Esveld  announced: “We do not try to say, ‘Yes, Hamas launched rockets for years, therefore everything Israel did was justified.’ We would say, ‘Hamas launched rockets for years, Israel is justified in launching a military campaign to stop rocket fire against civilians, but that doesn’t justify everything.’ You have to fall within the laws of war.”

Yada yada yada – the fact that a slew of international investigators gave Israel a fairy clean bill of rightfulness, and the one great detractor (Justice Goldstein) took it back with an apology – all of that did not change the essential stance of Human Rights Watch, which is, essentially, proportionate response. As in: if one robber is holding up a bank, Police must send only one cop to try and stop him.

Man, is it stupidity? Viciousness? I so don’t want to say Antisemitism, please don’t make me…

About the Author: Yori Yanover has been a working journalist since age 17, before he enlisted and worked for Ba'Machane Nachal. Since then he has worked for Israel Shelanu, the US supplement of Yedioth, JCN18.com, USAJewish.com, Lubavitch News Service, Arutz 7 (as DJ on the high seas), and the Grand Street News. He has published Dancing and Crying, a colorful and intimate portrait of the last two years in the life of the late Lubavitch Rebbe, (in Hebrew), and two fun books in English: The Cabalist's Daughter: A Novel of Practical Messianic Redemption, and How Would God REALLY Vote.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Yori’s Jewish NuzeKlips, Feb 29/12”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Ramallah-based Fatah leader and Palestine Liberation Organization Chairman  Mahmoud Abbas still leads the faltering Palestinian Authority "unity government," which includes Gaza's ruling Hamas terrorist organization.
Abbas to Request France Recognize PA State
Latest News Stories

Yaalon revealed that most of the “8200″ signers do not do reserve duty, and the few that do, haven’t done any in years.

Israeli women take cover as a Code Red rocket alert siren activates.  Archive (2013)

Residents of Gaza Belt communities in the south headed for bomb shelters on a false alarm at midday Monday. Northern Israel was hit earlier.

Hamas leader in exile Khaled Meshaal (R) and Hamas prime minister in the Gaza Strip Ismail Haniya (L) gesture to the supporters during a rally to mark the 25th anniversary of the founding of the Islamist movement, in Gaza City on December 8, 2012. to mark the 25th anniversary of the founding of the Islamist movement,  in Gaza City on December 8, 2012.

Qatar reportedly evicts Hamas politburo chief Khaled Meshaal, and Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood leadership.

Karnei Shomron Logo

11:41am Talk about really bad timing. Sirens heard in Shomron communities were an (unannounced) siren test in the community of Maaleh Shomron. The siren was heard in Karnei Shomron, Ginot Shomron, Yakir, Nofim and Emmanuel. It was *only* a test. 11:39 am OK. Now this is just strange. Rocket Siren heard in Karnei Shomron (in the Shomron) […]

12:04pm IDF says there was no rocket launch at Israel from Gaza. Gazan sources say a rocket misfired and landed inside Gaza. No explosions or rocket landings were heard inside Israel. Conclusion: It’s more likely that no rocket was launched and it was a false alarm. We will update this article, if we learn something new. […]

PLO chairman Mahmoud Abbas reportedly plans to ask French Pres. Francois Hollande to recognize the Palestinian Authority as a sovereign nation.

For the first time ever, Israel appoints a woman to serve as ambassador to an Arab country. Einat Schlein is posted to Jordan.

Egypt-based Hamas official Moussa Abu Marzouk says Gaza landlords are refusing to rent to Hamas terrorists.

Israeli Ambassador Chaim Koren has taken residence in Cairo and presented his credentials to Egyptian Pres. Abdel Fattah el-Sisi.

Police have arrested 4 Arabs from the Jerusalem neighborhood of Issawia.

Since March, there have been repeated acts of anti-Semitic vandalism against Philly’s Jewish sites and institutions.

Yehuda Poltzak is an artist from the Hareidi town of Beitar. He creates Judaica artifacts that decorate the homes and sukkahs of rabbis and community leaders. His creations require months of work.

The Islamic hate mail we received in response to today’s cartoon had us on the floor laughing our heads off. But that might be a bad choice of words.

Just to make the score even, police also arrested a Jew

Israelis in the Golan Heights are caught between a rock and a hard place.

“I will kill all of you,” said the drunken gunman, annoyed at the nerve of a truck blocking traffic.

More Articles from Yori Yanover
rain ATM

A Jerusalem woman is trying to hold on to her umbrella while withdrawing some cash at a Meah Shearim ATM, Sunday, March 9, 2014. The rain appeared out of the blue (which is how rain should), after a warm week that started to feel like summer. Well, it don’t feel like summer no more. Last […]

Rabbi Meir Mazuz (seen visiting a synagogue in Crown Heights, Brooklyn) declared in a public Internet psak that it is legal for a Jew to go up to temple Mount.

Needless to say, Shas, the Haredi Sefardi party, is not happy.

“The only difference between this world and the time of Meshiach is our bondage to the gentile kingdoms.”

Here’s the Israeli Navy boat INS Hanit arriving in Eilat on Saturday, March 8, 2014, after capturing the Klos C, which was carrying dozens of advanced Iranian-supplied weapons made in Syria and intended for Palestinian guerrillas in the Gaza Strip. Here’s Israeli Navy Commander Vice Admiral Ram Rotberg speaking with the INS Hanit soldiers in […]

Pat Condell has a new video out, so, sit back, have fun. By the way, Message to Offended Muslims should not be confused with Message to Off Handed Muslims. Also, I’d love to hear what he has to say about Haredim.

The description that came with this picture says: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu speaks with American actor Bette Midler during an event at the house of Hollywood producer Arnon Milchan in Hollywood on March 6, 2014. But Bette Midler is not really an actor, she’s a singer who made movies for the LGBT community and […]

We will shut them up in the campuses, we will shut them up in the high schools, we will shut them up at the 92nd St. Y.

An Israeli female soldier (because they’re better at removing babies from their homes) evacuates a baby from a settlement in Judea and Samaria some time in the recent past. I’m thinking, if the baby was angry enough, couldn’t he evacuate in return, right there in her arms? Imagine the same picture, except with a settler […]

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/news/yoris-daily-news-clips/yoris-jewish-nuzeklips-feb-2912/2012/02/29/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: