'How Much Do I Have To Tell?',Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Special Note: In last week's column, I published a letter from a hurting, conflicted mother. She described a very sad but real dilemma confronting her and her husband. Their son, who to all outward appearances, was an exceptional young man - bright, tall and handsome, suffered from an emotional illness, which psychiatrists had identified as Bipolar disorder. By dint of great effort, she and her husband had managed to keep this information secret. No one, not even the members of their immediate family, was aware of the problem. While they recognized that he was often moody and sometimes given to irrational behavior, the parents would make light of it and pretend that his conduct was reflective of normal emotional tensions that plague many young people nowadays. The diagnosis had been made several years ago and the young man has been on a regimen of medication, which has allowed him to function and interact normally without calling attention to himself. Since the young man is bright and a good student, and since the family is respected and successful, many shidduch recommendations have been made.

The parents tried to delay the process as long as possible so that he might become stabilized. During this period, he also studied in Yerushalayim without incident and earned a good name. This year, he expressed a desire to enter the shidduch parshah. He told his parents that he was anxious to settle down and establish a bayis ne'eman b'Yisrael- a true Jewish home. A very lovely girl from a good family was recommended, and as of this writing they have had three dates. Both have expressed interest in one another.

The parents never revealed their son's illness to the shadchan. They didn't say anything to the family of the girl - nor did the young man mention it to her. The mother writes that she has never seen her son so happy and is afraid of destroying his joy. Nevertheless, she also feels uncomfortable about not being open regarding his condition. Her husband, on the other hand, feels there is no need to reveal this illness to the girl's family since the medication that he takes worked and no one would guess that something is wrong. "Why create a problem when there are no problems?" he asks. "He's happy, he's well, and after marriage, he'll be even happier," he argues.

Despite her husband's position, she feelsthat they should be forthcoming and tell the truth. This conflict has caused tremendous tensionbetween themand she simply doesn't know what to do. Her husband doesn't want to consult their rabbi because he is concerned that if someone makes a shidduch inquiry, the rabbi would reveal the problem and that would surely destroy their son's future shidduch prospects. The following is my reply:

My Dear Friend:

I hasten to respond to your letter because I am concerned about the serious dilemma that you are facing. To be a parent is the most rewarding, but also, the most painful experience. I can appreciate your husband wanting to protect your son's future and insulate him from hurt and loneliness, and I can understand his desire to shield him from the trauma of rejection, but such protection can only result in even greater pain and suffering.

For the past 40 years, I have been involved in kiruv - outreach through our Hineni organization, and before that, I had the privilege of observing my revered father, HaRav HaGaon HaTzaddik, Avraham HaLevi Jungreis, zt"l, counsel people and help them with their dilemmas, and I can tell you that you are treading on a very dangerous course. In my work, I have often been called upon to advise and help married couples whose shalom bayis was at risk and who were on the verge of divorce.

I have witnessed many tragedies and I have seen the disastrous consequences that result when young men or women feel betrayed because they were misled and given incorrect information, prior to marriage, regarding their spouses. The shock, the trauma they experienced when, shortly after the chuppah, they discovered that their mates came into the marriage with a "medicine chest" was devastating. "I feel cheated!" they would cry. "Why wasn't I told? Why was it kept secret from me? Why did they deceive me?"

Not only is the shalom bayis of such couples shattered, but feelings of resentment and hatred ensue, ending in divorce. Please do not think that this means that your son is doomed to a life of loneliness. There are people who are prepared to make sacrifices and struggle with the challenges of illness, but that has to be their free-will decision and not something foisted upon them through deception. No one likes to be cheated...no one likes to be deceived, and this is especially true in marriage, the closest relationship that exists between two human beings.

So what emerges is that, while prior to marriage, the sick person had one problem - his or her illness - now that problem is intensified one-thousand-fold. There is nothing as painful as to live in a marriage that is torn by strife and hatred. Nor is divorce a happy option - whichever way you turn, such marriages are always no-win situations.

No matter what difficulties, what pressures, a person has, as long as he or she can escape to a tranquil home in which love prevails, he/she will be fortified and make it. But when there is no peace within the home, life becomes unbearable, and I am afraid that this is what your husband is orchestrating for your son if this marriage takes place under the present circumstances.

And I haven't even mentioned the catastrophic ramifications that such a union can have on future generations. The damage to innocent children is immeasurable. Most significantly however, if your husband were to consult Da'as Torah, he would immediately be told that such deception is not permitted, that it is a negation of Torah Law, and that is something that no amount of rationalization can justify. So, again, you might ask, "Does all this mean that if this information becomes available, your son is doomed to live a life of loneliness?"

Not at all. There are ways and means through which you can make this revelation, and if it is done properly, it might just be that the shidduch will go through and your son will be able to build his bayis ne'eman with this young lady.

May I recommend that you and your husband visit the girl's family and explain your son's condition to them. Invite the parents and the young lady to consult with your son's physician/psychiatrist. This would signal your total integrity and would also allow them to ask any questions they might have regarding your son's condition. It's quite possible that their minds will be put to rest and the shidduch will yet take place. And if not, be fortified in the knowledge that you did the right thing. I have given this advice to many people in similar situations.

As a matter of fact, just this past Shabbos, following my parshah shiur, a woman came over to me to thank me. She reminded me that two years ago, she asked me for guidance with a similar problem. True, her son was not Bipolar, but just the same, suffered from a severe illness. I advised her exactly as I am now advising you. The girl and her family decided to go ahead with the marriage, and Baruch Hashem, they are very happy and just had a beautiful baby.

Finally, since your husband is hesitant to consult your local rabbi, may I suggest that you discuss this matter with a Rebbe. It is always important to have the guidance of Da'as Torah, and while I do appreciate your husband's hesitation to consult with someone locally, there are many Rebbes or Rabbis, not connected to your community, whose guidance you can seek and be assured of their confidentiality.

Please accept my very best wishes for much naches. Hashemwill surely help and, somehow, things will work out. They always do. Time and again, I have seen His guiding hand. We need only have patience and bitachon In the end, shidduchim are in the hands of Hashem.

Read Comments (3)

disclosing in shidduchim
Date 07:07, 07-26, 07

When I was 18, it was discovered that I was a diabetic as well as the cause, which was that I had a congenital liver problem. This explained my childhood illnesses and hospitalizations for which the doctors had never found a cause.

I thought my life was over, who would want me?? The shadchanim only proposed men who were much older, who were divorced and who had had serious problems.

Finally I was set up with a man my own age who was partially crippled from a neurological disorder. To make a long story short, I had never met such a prince and we could not wait to get married. As the years have gone by, life came with many surprises. Despite the fact that several doctors told me that I would never be able to have children we are expecting B"AH our tenth soon.

My husband's condition, it turned out could be cured with therapy and a special diet and B"H he is also enjoying a normal, healthy life. The mystery of my own congenital problems has also been solved due to scientific advances over the past few years and I also B"H have been enjoying a healthy normal life.

None of our children have inherited either of our problems, B"H.

Had I not been so ill as a young woman, I never would have married the man I married. Had my husband not been so ill as a young man, he never would have found me. A mekubel once told us that our shiddach was really made by our great-grandfathers in Shamayim who incidentally were neighbors while alive (this is really true, but we did not find out until years later).

Hashem is the ultimate shadchan and sometimes, I guess Hashem needs to use these things to bring people together who otherwise might not be.

Gam tzu l'tovah and it IS ALWAYS for the good.

Renee Kohn
1025 South Shore Drive
Miami Beach, FL

305 865 0487

How Beautiful are the words of Truth
Date 12:07, 07-27, 07

I totally agree with Rebbetzin's Viewpoint. I found out my husband had bipolar disorder about a year after we were married. My first husband had bipolar disorder (untreated) and had committed suicide at 39. You are more than right when you advise that she will feel betrayed as I have struggled with this daily since this ''beast'' (bipolar) has reared his head. Although my husband is in treatment with a very competent doctor and attends weekly group sessions, and I appreciate his effort to manage this illness, I still feel cheated and pray often that God will lift this ugly veil that has been cast over our relationship. I deal with guilt over the resentment as well. The words of Rebbetzin are wise; please heed his advice.

Blessings,
Karen Eubanks

I have bipolar disorder and am happily married
Date 04:07, 07-27, 07

It is not impossible to have bipolar disorder and be happily married. What concerns me the most with this loving father is his sense of shame that his son has this disease. It is a disease and there is no shame involved. As long as Father feels the need to keep secrecy and is so fearful of rejectoin for his son, he is behaving as though his son is to blame for his bipolar condition, as though it were a character defect or a matter of will. Bipolar disorder is an illness. It is treatable though not curable, much like diabetes. Would Father be so worried about a different disease? And there is another aspect of this: disclosure is very important as bipolar disorder often has a genetic component to it. The girl and her family deserve to know this before a decision is made. Then I hope they will make the decision to see this lovely young man for all the things he is.