web analytics
April 19, 2014 / 19 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



Chronicles in Crises In Our Communities – 11/06/09

By:

Chronicles-logo

Share Button

Dear Rachel,

I have read your articles for a number of years now and appreciate the advice given. Here is my story.

I got married when I was very young. My husband managed to conceal his true nature before the wedding, but it already surfaced on the wedding night and throughout Sheva Berachot. I was too ashamed to tell anyone of the pain and humiliation that I was subjected to. It took many years before I could begin to talk about this with a therapist.

We started off as many young couples do, being supported by my parents while he was in yeshiva… except he wasn’t in yeshiva. He slept late (past 2 p.m.), went to movies, and viewed online porn throughout the night. He also kept demanding more financial support from my parents. He needed to know about every cent I spent, while he had free access to all the money my parents provided. He began to badmouth my parents, telling stories that made both my parents and myself suspicious of one another.

After a few years he decided to go to work. By that time he had successfully alienated me from my parents and many friends. He was diagnosed with an STD, but it was too late. I was already carrying a child. He was unable to maintain a job, and I began to juggle various jobs, even though my pregnancy was difficult.

When my daughter was just a toddler we separated. I began to fear for my daughter’s safety and could no longer make excuses for him. It was excruciating, but I am Baruch Hashem in a better place today.

After two years in Beis Din, I finally, miraculously, received a Get. I wish this were the end of this dreadful story.

Since the issues of concern were of such a delicate nature, I shared them only with my parents and professionals – while my husband spread horrible lies about me, managing to turn the entire neighborhood against me. My family lives abroad and I spent many a Shabbos alone. Even walking out of my house or going to the store became difficult because of the “looks” and comments.

If you think this is in my head, it is not! I was subjected to very real bullying.

I am once more in the midst of yet another custody battle (that he initiated), while my parents are tormented by continuous lawsuits against them (by my ex). My daughter is suffering as well.

The Yamim Noraim have come and gone, and I cannot help wondering: This is the third Yom Kippur since they have not only stopped being my friends, but have harassed and humiliated me! Where are the middot of a Jew? I, Baruch Hashem, have supportive friends and family, but they don’t live where I do.

I hope you print this article so that people learn to stop listening to Lashon Ha’ra and create situations of Sinat Chinam and Machloket.

Thank you!

My suffering seems endless

Dear Suffering,

The ignorance of the people in your neighborhood is appalling. For shame! While you conduct yourself with dignity, disclosing details of your personal life only to your parents and professionals your husband spreads vicious rumors about you, to whoever gives him the time of day. And, sad to say, some people are only too happy to have something to gossip about.

Our holy Torah begins with, of all things, a lesson on Lashon Ha’ra. The snake badmouthed Hashem, and Chava believed all the nonsense the snake fed her – thus turning the future of mankind on its head.

And have we learned ? Hardly. Unfortunately, too many people are still eager to ingest a piece of juicy gossip. “Mi ha’ish he’chafetz chaim ” writes Dovid HaMelech in Tehillim. “Who is the man who wants life? Guard your tongue from evil…”

In fact, there are numerous references in the Torah on the subject of gossip and slander. In Vayikra, for instance, we find, “Lo seilech rachil b’amecha” (you shall not go as a peddler of gossip among your people), which is immediately followed by, “You shall not stand aside while your brother’s blood is shed.”

Summed up in the verses of Mishlei 6:16-19: A person who causes bad feelings between friends is deemed evil and is despicable in the eyes of Hashem.

ArtScroll’s Chofetz Chaim: A Daily Companion cites the above and much more. Everyone would benefit from reading and rereading the volume.

Being unfamiliar with your personal story, I cannot really ask or comment on why you have not moved away from a place that has treated you so shabbily. By the same token, you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of and can hold your head high knowing that you have behaved properly. It is the gossip mongers who should be hanging their heads in shame and begging your forgiveness.

You could have unburdened your heart by confiding in any one or more of your friends, yet you chose not to in order to avoid speaking ill of your ex – while they have chosen to believe his lies about you.

You write to alert others to the pitfalls of the scourge of Lashon Ha’ra, and every one of us needs to take your message to heart. In the zechus of prodding us to consider the ramifications of failing to heed the laws of Shmiras HaLashon, may Hashem grant you much hatzlachah in surmounting the difficulties you face in your ongoing battle.

Take strength in knowing that the truth is always exposed to the One watching, the One Who is your Guardian 24/7 – so that you really are never alone.

* * * * *

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 338 Third Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11215

Share Button

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “Chronicles in Crises In Our Communities – 11/06/09”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
FBI Wanted poster for Osama bin Laden
Pakistan Library Renamed to Honor bin Laden
Latest Sections Stories
Schonfeld-logo1

Regardless of age, parents play an important role in their children’s lives.

Marriage-Relationship-logo

We peel away one layer after the next, our eyes tear up and it becomes harder and harder to see as we get closer to our innermost insecurities and fears.

Gorsky-041814-Torah

Some Mountain Jews believe they are descendents of the Ten Lost Tribes and were exiled to Azerbaijan and Dagestan by Sancheriv.

Baim-041814-Piggy

Yom Tov is about spending time with your family. And while for some families the big once-in-a-lifetime experience is great, for others something low key is the way to go.

A fascinating glimpse into the rich complexity of medieval Jewish life and its contemporary relevance had intriguingly emerged.

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

The plan’s goal is to provide supportive housing to 200 individuals with disabilities by the year 2020.

Despite being one of the fastest-growing Jewish communities in the U.S. – the estimated Jewish population is 70-80,000 – Las Vegas has long been overlooked by much of the Torah world.

She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.

While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

Alternative assessments are an extremely important part of understanding what students know beyond the scope of tests and quizzes.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-in-crises-in-our-communities-2/2009/11/04/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: