Dear Missed,
First things first: since you’ve stepped out of your chassidish environment, you ought to be aware that reaching the age of thirty is hardly the end of the world. In fact, many young ladies today settle down right around that age and go on to raise beautiful families. To boot, their maturity plays to their advantage in that they can better manage the day-to-day stresses and responsibilities of married life than their younger counterparts.
That said, you would do wise to settle on the path you want to take in life. Your frequent visits home and your partiality for chassidism speak volumes, but you seem a bit confused and may want to consult a therapist to help you organize your mind and sort things out.
As for the pool of available shidduchim, rest assured that there are other singles of your background out there who have circumvented their community’s established protocol of marrying at an early age. Everybody knows somebody… by letting some of your old friends and family members in on your preference, you can enlist their assistance in helping you meet your intended.
Though you make a point of saying you are not asking for advice, I take the liberty of throwing out another suggestion (which may be of benefit to other readers as well): Try to keep an open mind where “once married” men are concerned. Some wonderful currently singles who erred in their choice (or more likely their parents’ choice, if Chassidic) the first time around would make great mates given a second chance to prove themselves.
Thanks for conveying a potent message in a powerful way. Perhaps we can hear from parents who experienced marrying off children out of age sequence.