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Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 4/09/10

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Unfaithfully yours… continues to stir Yiddishe Neshamos (see Chronicles 2-19-10)

Dear Unfaithfully yours,
You say you are happily married. You feel that you and others need some sort of adventure or that spouses do not care or respond emotionally or physically to the needs of one another.
Well, happily married or not, if you are frum, you should fear Hashem and not act on impulses or plan physical rendezvous with members of the opposite gender.

Despite your claim to the contrary, you cannot really be happily married if you dwell on other women.

You shouldn’t be encouraging others to commit adultery just because they have similar interests to yours or just because they make you feel that you are not alone. Everyone has a yetzer hora —the trick is not to let it get the upper hand.

You need help. I hope your children were all born before you started “partnering” outside your marriage. Otherwise, a married woman engaging in extra-marital relations can beget mamzerim (illegitimate children) — a whole other complicated mess.
Please stop your actions.
A Caring Reader

 

Dear Rachel,

It is impossible to be happily married and cheat. There is something missing. I venture to say it is fear of Heaven. Where there is no fear of Heaven, there is no fear of sin.

Happily married people do not hurt one another physically, emotionally or financially. The cheat is a thief and a fraud who is deceiving no one but himself.

May no one be tested!

A sad reader…

 

Dear Rachel,

Although you’ve always impressed me with the sound advice and on target replies you’ve transmitted to your writers, I was mortified that you would feel compelled to give exposure to the blasphemous and lewd corruption of this person! Why would you publish the letter of someone who has stooped way below even secular moral standards? In addition, this man is justifying and even promoting his behavior by publicizing and enticing others.

Furthermore, why allow him to put the blame squarely in the laps of pious sincere Chassidim? Those who unfortunately have gone astray are certainly not the representatives of their communities; and to attribute their shidduchim customs as the reason for the prevalent downfall of the traditional harmonious marriages is downright narrow minded and ludicrous.

Allow me to suggest that other communities where free mingling with the opposite gender from early childhood to teenage years is not only accepted but also clearly encouraged cannot claim pure and unadulterated (no pun intended) fidelity in their marriages. Although they are friendly with many of their peers from the opposite gender and have many options available, is there less of a breakdown in marital bliss in their communities? I venture to say that their marriages are in as much jeopardy, if not more.

We were not created to experience a stress-free life replete with all our desires fulfilled. Our calling is to uplift ourselves and use our potential and time in this world to enjoy that which is permissible by Hashem and to adhere to the decrees of His Torah.

May we and all our brothers and sisters do complete teshuvah and may we merit seeing the day when the truth will be revealed and we will greet Moshiach speedily in our days!

Mortified

 

Dear Rachel,

I was born and raised Chassidish and feel the need to educate both Unfaithfully yours and other readers. We never force our children to agree to a match, regardless of how impressive the shidduch may come across to us, the parents. Yes, we screen the boy or girl for compatibility, and, based on our findings, arrange to meet with him/her for a personal up close assessment.

If we, the parents, come away with an unfavorable impression this is taken as a sign that the shidduch is not appropriate. Our children couldn’t fathom having it any other way and happily rely on us to exercise sound judgment and to spare them from having to be exposed to unsuitable shidduch dates.

Even when a potential match is viewed as a “could be,” it does not at all mean that it is a “must be.” The final say is left to the boy/girl when they meet. Most families, by the way, encourage more than one ba’show (meeting) between them and our children are urged to be honest with themselves and to speak up if they should be feeling any negative vibes.

One of my married daughters has a close childhood friend who is in her late thirties and still looking. This friend’s family is not Chassidish and she has met with and dated over 100 boys, without exaggeration. She often expresses her admiration for our “system” and has many times told my daughter how she would have loved to be spared the anguish and torment of wasting time on dates that were completely not for her — among the many others whom she could not make up her mind about.

This friend is convinced that had her family been into our way of doing shidduchim, she’d have been married long ago. In reality, most young people have a hard time deciding who is right for them, and having their parents vet all shidduch candidates is of enormous help and benefit — as thousands upon thousands of happily married chassidishe couples demonstrate and would attest to.

I’d also like to commend The Jewish Press for allowing “unspeakable” topics to be spoken of, as this is the only way to educate the naïve among us. Hopefully, by raising awareness, we can be more guarded when coming up against the harmful elements in our midst.

For the record

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


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