web analytics
May 25, 2013 /16 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 5/07/10

By:

Latest update: March 12th, 2012
tell a friend
Chronicles-logo

Dear Rachel,

How come the same people who can’t seem to run their own lives are trying to run everybody else’s? I am really tired of getting unsolicited advice all over the place. It started when I was married barely a year and had no children yet. And it is still going on now that my daughter is Baruch Hashem married and has no children yet, all of a year and a half later at the age of twenty-one, mind you!

My in-laws are among the overly inquisitive (to put it mildly). Now that they’ve exhausted the subject of trying to tell us how many children to have, they want to know how much money we save.

In the years when I tried to help out by working part time while our kids were in school, they looked askance at the horrid possibility that dinner might not be ready when their son and grandkids got home.

Now after years of hard work, when I feel that I’ve earned the right to some relaxation, they want to know why I am not supplementing the household income, being that the children are out of the house.

At the same time, they expect me to attend every simcha that comes up (in our extended large family). I mean, with births, bar/ bat mitzvas, weddings and sheva brochos almost a weekly occurrence, we are being worn thin. I personally find it next to impossible to be everywhere without falling on my face from exhaustion. (Men have some leeway since they don’t need to get all dressed up for an occasion.)

Are we doing something wrong by not offering elaborate explanations or excuses to everyone? Are we mean-spirited if we choose not to answer every ringing phone or doorbell?
And whatever happened to that precious commodity called “privacy?” Is nothing personal anymore?

Sometimes I am tempted to move far away from everything and everyone, just for some solitude. But at the same time, I’d miss my family terribly – yes, even my in-laws. They mean well, I suppose.

I’m not complaining, Rachel, just explaining. And you’re the perfect person to air my grievances to, because for one, you let me have my say without interrupting, and two, I know you won’t harangue or pester me.

Thanks for listening.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess

 

Dear Different,

That’s just the way it is and you can rest assured that many people feel the way you do. For most of us, it is not easy to party 24/7 – especially when large families branch out and attending simchas may require tedious and lengthy to and fro commutes.

If you have your husband, your partner in life, in your corner, you certainly don’t need to please everyone else. Living for everybody can indeed be exhausting.

Underneath all of your frustration, you seem to be well aware of your blessings and the fact that we must be grateful to Hashem for all the good and the positive things in our lives. However, a relaxing vacation away from it all can’t hurt and you sound like you are about ready for one.

Your words are a reminder of something that crossed my desk a little while ago. It went something like this:

If you’re married at eighteen, you’re a rachmonus (pity); if you’re still single at twenty, you’re a rachmonus.

If you have three children in the course of three years, you’re a rachmonus; if you have no children by the time you’ve been married three years, you’re a rachmonus.

If you live close to your parents, you’re a rachmonus; if you live far from your parents, you’re a rachmonus.

If your in-laws are a part of your life, you’re a rachmonus; if your in-laws are not a part of your life, you’re a rachmonus.

If you have a job and work hard, you’re a rachmonus; if you are unemployed, you’re a rachmonus.

If you have “only” four children, you’re a rachmonus; if you have twelve, you’re a rachmonus.
If only the husband is working, you’re a rachmonus; if the wife is working as well, the children are neglected and you’re a rachmonus.

If you have a simcha to attend every other night, you’re a rachmonus; if you can’t go to simchas, you’re a rachmonus.

At middle age – if you are not employed, you’re a rachmonus: if you are, you’re a rachmonus.
If your married children come too often, you’re a rachmonus; if your married children don’t come often, you’re a rachmonus.

If you are caring for your elderly parents, you’re a rachmonus; if you don’t have parents chas v’shalom you’re a rachmonus.

If your children are all married, you’re a rachmonus; if you still have young children at home, you’re a rachmonus.

At retirement age – if you’re both home all day, you’re a rachmonus; if your wife/husband works and you’re home all day, you’re a rachmonus.

If your children must care for your needs, you’re a rachmonus; if your children don’t care for your needs, you’re a rachmonus.

If you live until you’re old and weak, you’re a rachmonus; if you don’t live to be old, chas v’shalom, you’re a rachmonus.

But the bottom line is that everything comes from Hashem, and if you believe that everything He does is for the good and that He guides you all the way, you’re no rachmonus at all!

There is no pleasing everybody all of the time. Just aim to please Hashem, to be there for your family to the best of your ability, and you’ll be fine.

Thanks for airing your grievance to this column.

* * * * *

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 338 Third Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11215. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.

tell a friend

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
David Arenberg lost many things during his nearly 12 years in prison, but he found a connection to Judaism.
A Jew Grows in Prison
Latest Sections Stories
V-E-Day-052413-Grandpa
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.

hot-busy-kitchen-10912000
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

It’s all over.

The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.

Touro-052413
Sections → Features

Scene One:

After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.

Omer Map (website image) by Yitzchok Moully. Courtesy the artist.
Sections → Arts

I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.

Sections → Magazine → On Our Own/Cheryl Kupfer

With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

More Articles from Rachel
Sections → Family → Chronicles of Crises

.The preceding two columns familiarized readers with the “mechanism” that drives the world of shidduchim in Chassidish mode. In her engagingly candid and perky style, R.B. has obliged us with articulate and to-the-point responses. This column concludes the series, which will have hopefully lent both the aspiring and seasoned shadchan some valuable insight and guidance.

    Latest Poll

    If you could only choose one of the following scenarios regarding Chareidi IDF service, which would you choose?





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-of-crises-in-our-communities-242/2010/05/05/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. Staten Island
Close