web analytics
January 26, 2015 / 6 Shevat, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 3/25/11

By:

Chronicles-logo

The following letters are in response to Am I for real? (Chronicles, February 18)

 

My Dear Friend,

I could have written your letter. I too am a frum woman, married for many years, with wonderful and healthy children B”H.  My husband functions normally to the outside world, but inside the house it’s a different story. He angers easily, rages, has distorted thinking, makes false (and negative) accusations (and believes and acts on them), twists my words, is unstable and so much more.

I began to question my own sanity. I have developed physical and emotional symptoms as a way to cope with the insanity in my home. He can be a terror, yet, at other times, he can be so sweet and loving.

Within the past year, I have done much research on borderline personality disorder and have recognized that my husband suffers from this very serious and complex mental disorder. You must research this condition and see if the behavior/symptoms fit those of your husband. Please read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger. When I read it, lightbulb after lightbulb went off for me; I felt the author was describing all the craziness that goes on in my home.

At the core of the borderline condition is a deep-seated fear of abandonment/rejection. This would explain your husband’s rages when you are not physically available to him, even though the reasons may be totally rational to you and me. People with BPD are not rational. They operate on a purely emotional level and are unable to regulate their emotions.

Since they can hide their craziness from the rest of the world, those who suffer the most are those closest to them. You must get help for yourself since people with BPD are not likely to admit to having a problem. You need to be strong and healthy for your children. Read as much as you can about this disorder, get a therapist who understands what you are going through and begin to reclaim your life.

You are not crazy. You are involved with a severely disordered individual who can bring you down with him. Don’t let it happen.

I wish you much hatzlacha with this very big nisayon, and if you wish to be in touch with me, please do so through Rachel.

A long-suffering victim

 

Dear Rachel,

I think you overlooked a very important part of her letter. She says that her husband is “constantly losing his temper, screaming, yelling and hitting the kids.”

I grew up with a father like that. He made my mother’s life miserable and we all carry scars from living with a man who often exploded and lashed out, most often for minor things. I remember him going nuts because he thought I put too much coffee in my own coffee cup. Another time he went ballistic because he felt the stream of water was too much while I was washing the dishes.

Something has to be done to protect the children. The woman who wrote the letter needs counseling on how to deal with her husband and the abuses he inflicts on their children.  Marriage counseling is important for the marriage, but whether she chooses to do that or speak to a spiritual advisor, someone has to look out for those children.

If the mother cannot discuss intimacy issues with her husband (as when they need to be apart), I highly doubt she is doing much to protect those poor children from their out-of-control father.  They are sure to suffer some psychological damage, as I did.

Been there…

 

Dear Readers,

Unfortunately, it is difficult, if not impossible, to ascertain the root of one’s problem from a single letter with scant information. If the troubled wife will heed our advice and seek professional counsel to help her deal with her problematic marital relationship, its negative impact on their children will be appropriately addressed and dealt with.

Thank you for weighing in with your informative comments, which are obviously based on your own experiences. Experience, as they say, is the best teacher. By sharing yours, you not only help countless others cope more effectively with their own circumstances but also give them strength in the knowledge that they are not alone and that help is within reach.

* * * * *

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to  rachel@jewishpress.com  or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 3/25/11”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Ilana Medar, 18, of Paris, made Aliyah last year.
Jewish Agency Planning for Massive Aliyah of 120,000 French Jews
Latest Sections Stories
Dr. Esther Rose Lowy

Dr. Lowy believed passionately in higher education for both men and women and would stop at nothing to assist young students in achieving their educational goals.

book-Lincoln

It’s almost pointless to try to summarize all of the fascinating information that Holzer’s research unearthed.

The special charm of these letters is their immediacy and authenticity of emotion and description.

Why is there such a steep learning curve for teachers? And what can we, as educators and community activists, do better in the educational system and keep first-year teachers in the job?

Teachers, as well as administrators, must be actively involved in the daily prayers that transpire at a school and must set the bar as dugmaot ishiot, role models, on how one must daven.

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

We love the food, the hotels, and even the wildlife. We love the Israelis.

Few traces remain of the glory days of Jewish life in the kingdoms of Sicily and Naples, but the demise wasn’t due to the eruption of nearby Mount Vesuvius. Rather it was a manmade volcano called the Edict of Expulsion from Spain – and not even an invitation to return in Shevat of 1740 could […]

Garbage in your streets, my city
Wind-blown litter, lonely men

I love you in your blazing heat
my aching feet
dragging in your streets.

These monsters constantly attack
When we dare to try to fight back

With so many new cases of ADHD reported each year, it is important to help children learn how to sit still.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-of-crises-in-our-communities-496/2011/03/23/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: