In last week’s column a young lady bares her confusion and frustration when, in the process of seeking her zivug, she becomes fixated on a particular boy who does not seem to have any serious intent. A number of years older than her, he plays the field while playing with her emotions and insisting they are merely “friends.” An intuitive rabbi, whose guidance she periodically seeks, hones in on her inner turmoil and assures her that she will “cover the pot on someone” — find the right one. But as we left off, she had yet to give up the “rollercoaster ride” with her male “friend.”
On the following Shabbos, I fervently prayed to G-d to help me out of the quagmire I found myself in. That same weekend, my “friend” did an about face; he asked me out for a real date-to see where things would “go.” I was really happy at this sudden turn of events, though in hindsight I wonder why… it was only a trial. But that didn’t matter to me at the time. My mom didn’t get too excited at my good news, but being the incredible woman she is, she lets me live my life so that I can learn from my own mistakes.
Attention mothers: You can try and try to help your daughter get out of a bad relationship, but she needs to come to certain realizations on her own. And, if you teach her the right way, she’ll do fine. My mom brought me up with so much strength that in the end I was able to make the right decision.
And so we began to date for real. In the beginning things seemed to be going well. We talked all the time. But before long I felt him distancing himself from me more and more. Communication between us was one-sided — he didn’t reciprocate.
A side note: We came from different backgrounds; I was the more religious one. To me, there’s nothing like having G-d on your side and wanting to serve Him. He, on the other hand, seemed to be embarrassed with his Jewishness. It hurt me, because I grew up being proud of my heritage. But I managed to push this aside and to tell myself that we could make it work. BZZZZ went my conscience… it can’t work. You need to find someone who is on your level, someone to grow together with, someone who isn’t embarrassed to be who he is.
Each time I thought we were close to breaking up, he would reel me back in. He just wasn’t ready to let me go. At some point, though, it dawned on me that I was not his priority.
One day I had a rude awakening. Let’s just say he did something so ridiculous that I said to myself, “I shouldn’t have to go through this. I deserve better.” I said as much to him and let him know that this wasn’t working out. He asked for some time to think about it and, instead of taking a stand and telling him it’s over, I acquiesced. Eventually, though, we mutually agreed to end our relationship.
I was so relieved when it was over that I cried. They were tears of joy mingled with regret at having lost myself for so long. But I knew I would find myself and that I would be okay. And Baruch Hashem I was.
The story isn’t over. Rabbi B. came in and I went to see him. I walked into the room and this time he smiled and said, “Everything is good now!” After seeing him and receiving his brachos, my anxiety level dropped and my appetite increased. I hadn’t felt so good in a long time. I was leaving my past behind and moving on.
One day, some friends and I were schmoozing and the discussion led to a particular out-of-town boy that one girl in our group was seeking a shidduch for. It seemed that she had considered me but had some misgivings since I had an assertive manner and strong personality, and he was more of the quiet type.
She couldn’t know me very well — I happen to prefer the quieter kind. (Really now, did I need two of me?) I was asked about my preferences in a boy and was made to feel that I needed to be special in order to deserve this one. What is so special about him, I was left thinking.
In the meanwhile, the Rabbi was in town again, and I felt a real need to see him. He would be leaving on Monday, but fortunately I was able to see him the Sunday prior. This was a day after I had been with my friends.
First thing Rabbi B. greeted me with: “A shidduch was mentioned to you and you need to pursue it.” I looked at him in astonishment. He then went on to name the girl who had suggested it. I got the chills.
I called a close friend of mine and asked her to relay to the girl who had mentioned the shidduch that if this boy was available (under the circumstance I just knew he would be), she should call me.
A week later I received a call — the boy was stuck in New York (during the December blizzard) and the time was ideal for us to meet. The suddenness was unsettling; I actually tried to think of excuses to nix the offer and told my friend I’d get back to her. My mom (who knew of the Rabbi’s advice to pursue this shidduch) was adamant this time around: “You’re going out!”
I had the best first date of my life. And I’m delighted to say that today we are engaged and ready to be married. I made a list of specs for G-d of the type of man I needed and everything on my list is checked off. No more rollercoaster!
My message to singles: If you keep your chin up and believe that G-d has His plan, you will get what you want. Constantly pray to Him. He will listen to you and provide you with what you need. Even the rough going is a buildup for the good things to come!
I hope my story has inspired others.
A happily engaged girl!
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