web analytics
October 23, 2014 / 29 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 10/26/07

By:

Chronicles-logo

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories by e-mail to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 338 Third Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11215.

To all women, men or children who feel that they are at the end of their ropes, please consider joining a support group, or forming one.

Anyone wishing to make a contribution to help agunot, please send your tax deductible contribution to The Jewish Press Foundation.

Checks must be clearly specified to help agunot. Please make sure to include that information if that is the purpose of your contribution, because this is just one of the many worthwhile causes helped by this foundation.

* * * * * * * * * *

Dear Rachel,

The following is in response to “Lonely stay-at-home mom…” (Chronicles 8-31). I am an avid reader of your column and wish you brachah and hatzlachah in your important work! Thank you.

Dear Friend,

I don’t know you, but I know your pain. To be married and lonely can feel like the worst emotional curse. As married women, it is normal for us to expect love and affection. When our expectations are not met, we are faced with a harsh, painful reality – life not treating us the way it is supposed to. And it hurts badly.

The agonizing loneliness leaves us feeling desperate for any sign or signal from our partner that will tell us if we are loved at all. The mere fact that you crave affection and feel lonely means that you have a heart that wishes to receive. And if that is the case, you also have a heart that can give.

You probably tried giving to your spouse early in your marriage but got frustrated, because “emotionally cold” people usually do not know how to release love either. My husband has other issues that also affect our marriage, but I certainly know what “cold” means. And it’s not much better to hear “I love you” in the bedroom and then be screamed at the next day or be shown disrespect in front of your children. So if your husband is “decent” to you, don’t minimize this. I’m not attempting to downplay your pain, but as Rachel so aptly put it, your cup may be half full.

When I’m down, I think of my single friends who are not only unmarried, but don’t have children either. Use your emotional energy to give to your children. Make eye contact, hug and kiss them. A noted educator once told me that it’s not enough to love them. Don’t underestimate the power you have in your home to instill the much needed love and warmth. A healthy dose, even from one parent, will enable them to grow into normal, productive adults.

Believe in yourself. It’s not easy to summon that inner strength, but I’ve embraced this as my test in life, ever since I have concluded that being single is not less lonely than being married to a cold man (except for not expecting the love anymore).

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee of getting married again (especially with children), and as Rachel noted, you definitely trade one set of problems for another with the family all split up and kids bounced back and forth for visiting, etc.

Allow your friends to fill some of that lonely space – a couple of solid friendships that are mutually supportive (and I don’t mean using your friends to talk about your rotten marriage; find a good therapist to unburden yourself to if need be). Friends who truly care can be there for you and lighten your day. Being there for them will open your giving heart again without you even realizing it! Ignite old friendships; make time for a lunch date with a friend. It will give you that extra boost you need to face the challenging household.

A talent or hobby you enjoy is also great as an outlet. So put the music on during the day – that always helps. And when the pain strikes at night when you put your head on the pillow (and I know it will), think of all the people who do care for you – who would reach out and give you the hug that you need. And you’ll probably develop a deeper appreciation for anytime that anybody does do something nice for you.

Ultimately it’s obviously your decision to stay or to go. (By the way, my husband and I actually switch off weeks with the same therapist. It’s less threatening than going together.) As you may have already done, try communicating to your husband that you believe in him, that he has the ability to make you happier (no doubt he feels like a failure inside, which for men is a trap they find impossible to escape sometimes), and that he needs to learn the right tools, even if he hasn’t yet.

I ask myself the same question you do: will I regret my decision to stay when I am old? I don’t know, but at the moment it’s one day at a time. I daven to Hashem to help me make the right choices – and I pray for you, that you find enough other resources to comfort your aching heart and make your life bearable and at times joyous again. Yes, a happy mother is a happy child, though of course much easier said than done.

I know you are lonely, but you are definitely not alone.

Also lonely but so far staying in it too

Dear Also Lonely,

Thank you for your moving words and for sharing your pain – painstakingly written in longhand. It is obvious that you have a giving heart.

You also submitted a touching poem that you composed, but the column’s space limit prevents me from including it here. I will save it for a future column.

The many reactions precipitated by “Lonely Mom” and her forerunners (Feeling hopeless 5-14; Wishing it could have been different 6-29; Still feeling hopeless 8-24) testify to the fact that despite the loneliness, she is far from alone.

Stay tuned.

On an entirely different note: I would like to inform my wonderful reading audience that the Agunah in Agony (chronicle of 9-21) has Baruch Hashem been freed – as she herself puts it, “3 years, 3 months and 10 days later, Chasdei Shamayim!” MAZEL TOV!!! May your heart know of no more sorrow, only the strains of sweet melody.

To the big-hearted readers who reached out with offers of help – there are no words. G-d bless you all!

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 10/26/07”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Chaye Zisel Braun
Funeral for Chaye Zisel Braun Underway [photos]
Latest Sections Stories

It is important for a therapist to focus on a person’s strengths as a way of overcoming his or her difficulties.

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Social disabilities occur at many levels, but experts identify three different areas of learning and behavior that are most common for children who struggle to create lasting social connections.

Sukkot is an eternal time of joy, and if we are worthy, of plenty.

Two of our brothers, Jonathan Pollard and Alan Gross, sit in the pit of captivity. We have a mandate to see that they are freed.

Chabad of South Broward has 15 Chabad Houses in ten cities.

Victor Center works in partnership with healthcare professionals, clergy, and the community to sponsor education programs and college campus out reach.

So just in case you’re stuck in the house this Chol HaMoed – because there’s a new baby or because someone has a cold – not because of anything worse, here are six ideas for family fun at home.

We are told that someone who says that God’s mercy extends to a bird’s nest should be silenced.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-of-crises-in-our-communities-82/2007/10/24/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: