web analytics
November 24, 2014 / 2 Kislev, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Herzliya Campus A Day on Campus

To mark IDC Herzliya’s 20th anniversary, we spent a day following Prof. Uriel Reichman, IDC’s founder and president, and Jonathan Davis, VP for External Relations, around its delightful campus.



Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 12/9/11

By:

Chronicles-logo

Is Friendship Forever?

 

Dear Rachel,

I’m not sure I’m writing this to ask for advice or just to vent. I am a young married mother with two children under the age of three. Before I got married, and especially through my high school years, I had a really close friend. Down the road as things evolved, I eventually moved to a bigger city where I met my bashert and settled down.

It so happened that when I got married my friend was studying in Israel and so she couldn’t make it to my wedding. Afterwards we kept in touch but weren’t in contact on a frequent basis. Occasionally, when she had the opportunity to be in town, we’d get together.

So far, I know, this all sounds normal — being that I was married, she single, and we were living miles apart in different cities.

Then, less than two years ago, my friend got engaged. I called her to wish her my best and of course, received an invitation to her wedding. At that time I was going through some rough patches in my life and was also in the early stages of my second pregnancy and feeling out of sorts. I let my friend know that I wouldn’t be attending her wedding which was going to take place quite a distance away from where I lived, requiring a relatively lengthy commute by car. She was quite upset and let me know it. But I had to do what was best for me at the time.

Since then I’ve emailed and texted her with various bits of news and have for the most part received no response from her. (We now live about an hour and a half’s ride from one another.) When I had my second child, I received a curt mazel tov and that was it.

A couple of months ago, when I heard that she had her first child, I tried to get in touch with her.  However, she wouldn’t take my call, nor did she bother returning my voice message. I texted her and she finally replied with a simple “thank you” to my mazel tov wishes.

I guess to assuage my feelings of letdown and disappointment at her unforgiving attitude, I sometimes look back at our teen years and wonder whether our closeness was genuine; I recall a friend who always liked giving me things, while I, coming from a less privileged background, reciprocated in a much different way — I could always be counted on to be there for her as a sounding board, for emotional support, as a reassuring friend, or just to share.

While her coldness and estrangement used to bother me a whole lot, I admit I’ve gotten used to it. After all, I have a life, baruch Hashem, and am kept quite busy. However, I still can’t understand that childish display of spitefulness. I certainly didn’t harbor a grudge against her when she was unable to come to my wedding.

I always thought a friend was a friend forever. Guess I was wrong.

Ready to move on…

Dear Ready,

While there is something uniquely special about a friendship that goes back to one’s childhood years, it is not uncommon for childhood friends to grow apart over the years. This is especially so when one marries and the other remains single, and when you end up living miles apart from one another.

From your description, the break in your friendship didn’t happen when you said you wouldn’t be able to make it to your friend’s wedding. It occurred way before, when you moved away while still single. And by your own admission, once you married you kept in touch but not on a “frequent basis.”

Since you had always been there for your friend in a very personal and supportive way, she could have felt the loss of your presence more keenly than you hers. (Giving you things was her way of expressing affection and appreciation for your friendship.) When you got married, the sting of the emotional distance between you would have become more acute. In order to move on in a productive way, your friend may have elected – perhaps in a subconscious way – to leave her past, which included you, behind.

Whereas sharing the happiest moment in her life might have rekindled the dying embers of your friendship to a degree, she had by then most likely forged other friendships and would not have reverted to relying on you to be her closest confidante.

Still, you may ask, why must she spurn you in such a cold fashion? You want to know if it is normal to harbor such deep-seated and prolonged resentment for a close friend. Try seeing it from her perspective: in her mind, it is you who turned her back on the friendship when you moved away and then found another “close friend” to settle down with. Your choosing not to share in her big day was further corroboration of your indifference to the bond you once shared.

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 12/9/11”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Banner at Tehran military parade, Sept. 23, 2013. Although the English statement is relatively mild, in Persian and Arabic it says “Death to America.”
Iran Says Nuclear Deal ‘Impossible’ by Nov. 24 Deadline
Latest Sections Stories
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Astaire-112114-Horse

There were many French Jews who jumped at the chance to shed their ancient identity and assimilate.

L to R: Sheldon Adelson, Shawn Evenhaim, Haim Saban

As Rabbi Shemtov stood on the stage and looked out at the attendees, he told them that “Rather than take photos with your cellphones, take a mental photo and keep this Shabbat in your mind and take it with you throughout your life.”

South-Florida-logo

Yeshiva v’Kollel Bais Moshe Chaim will be holding a grand celebration on the occasion of the institution’s 40th anniversary on Sunday evening, December 7. Alumni, students, friends and faculty of the yeshiva, also known as Talmudic University of Florida, will celebrate the achievement and vision of its founders and the spiritual guidance of its educational […]

The yeshiva night accommodates all levels of Jewish education.

Recently, Fort Lauderdale has been the focus of international news, and it has not been about the wonderful weather.

Rabbi Sacks held the position of chief rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth for 22 years until September 2013.

The event included a dvar Torah by student Pesach Bixon, an overview of courses, information about student life and a student panel that answered frequently asked questions from a student perspective.

It is difficult to write about such a holy person, for I fear I will not accurately portray his greatness…

“Grandpa,” I wondered, as the swing began to slow down, “why are there numbers on your arm?”

So the real question is, “How can we, as hosts, make sure our guest beds are comfortable?” Because your guests will never say anything.

It was a land of opportunity, a place where someone who wasn’t afraid of a little hard work, or the challenges of adapting to a different climate and culture, could prosper.

Rule #1: A wife should never accompany her husband to hang out with his buddies at a fantasy football draft. Unless beer and cigars are her thing, that is.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

The two World Series combatants, the Kansas City Royals and the San Francisco Giants, were Wild Card teams (meaning they didn’t win their respective divisions) that got hot at the right time.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/is-friendship-forever/2011/12/08/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: