web analytics
May 25, 2013 /16 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 12/9/11

By:

Latest update: March 6th, 2012
tell a friend
Chronicles-logo

Is Friendship Forever?

 

Dear Rachel,

I’m not sure I’m writing this to ask for advice or just to vent. I am a young married mother with two children under the age of three. Before I got married, and especially through my high school years, I had a really close friend. Down the road as things evolved, I eventually moved to a bigger city where I met my bashert and settled down.

It so happened that when I got married my friend was studying in Israel and so she couldn’t make it to my wedding. Afterwards we kept in touch but weren’t in contact on a frequent basis. Occasionally, when she had the opportunity to be in town, we’d get together.

So far, I know, this all sounds normal — being that I was married, she single, and we were living miles apart in different cities.

Then, less than two years ago, my friend got engaged. I called her to wish her my best and of course, received an invitation to her wedding. At that time I was going through some rough patches in my life and was also in the early stages of my second pregnancy and feeling out of sorts. I let my friend know that I wouldn’t be attending her wedding which was going to take place quite a distance away from where I lived, requiring a relatively lengthy commute by car. She was quite upset and let me know it. But I had to do what was best for me at the time.

Since then I’ve emailed and texted her with various bits of news and have for the most part received no response from her. (We now live about an hour and a half’s ride from one another.) When I had my second child, I received a curt mazel tov and that was it.

A couple of months ago, when I heard that she had her first child, I tried to get in touch with her.  However, she wouldn’t take my call, nor did she bother returning my voice message. I texted her and she finally replied with a simple “thank you” to my mazel tov wishes.

I guess to assuage my feelings of letdown and disappointment at her unforgiving attitude, I sometimes look back at our teen years and wonder whether our closeness was genuine; I recall a friend who always liked giving me things, while I, coming from a less privileged background, reciprocated in a much different way — I could always be counted on to be there for her as a sounding board, for emotional support, as a reassuring friend, or just to share.

While her coldness and estrangement used to bother me a whole lot, I admit I’ve gotten used to it. After all, I have a life, baruch Hashem, and am kept quite busy. However, I still can’t understand that childish display of spitefulness. I certainly didn’t harbor a grudge against her when she was unable to come to my wedding.

I always thought a friend was a friend forever. Guess I was wrong.

Ready to move on…

Dear Ready,

While there is something uniquely special about a friendship that goes back to one’s childhood years, it is not uncommon for childhood friends to grow apart over the years. This is especially so when one marries and the other remains single, and when you end up living miles apart from one another.

From your description, the break in your friendship didn’t happen when you said you wouldn’t be able to make it to your friend’s wedding. It occurred way before, when you moved away while still single. And by your own admission, once you married you kept in touch but not on a “frequent basis.”

Since you had always been there for your friend in a very personal and supportive way, she could have felt the loss of your presence more keenly than you hers. (Giving you things was her way of expressing affection and appreciation for your friendship.) When you got married, the sting of the emotional distance between you would have become more acute. In order to move on in a productive way, your friend may have elected – perhaps in a subconscious way – to leave her past, which included you, behind.

Whereas sharing the happiest moment in her life might have rekindled the dying embers of your friendship to a degree, she had by then most likely forged other friendships and would not have reverted to relying on you to be her closest confidante.

Still, you may ask, why must she spurn you in such a cold fashion? You want to know if it is normal to harbor such deep-seated and prolonged resentment for a close friend. Try seeing it from her perspective: in her mind, it is you who turned her back on the friendship when you moved away and then found another “close friend” to settle down with. Your choosing not to share in her big day was further corroboration of your indifference to the bond you once shared.

tell a friend

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
David Arenberg lost many things during his nearly 12 years in prison, but he found a connection to Judaism.
A Jew Grows in Prison
Latest Sections Stories
V-E-Day-052413-Grandpa
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.

hot-busy-kitchen-10912000
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

It’s all over.

The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.

Touro-052413
Sections → Features

Scene One:

After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.

Omer Map (website image) by Yitzchok Moully. Courtesy the artist.
Sections → Arts

I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.

Sections → Magazine → On Our Own/Cheryl Kupfer

With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

More Articles from Rachel
Sections → Family → Chronicles of Crises

.The preceding two columns familiarized readers with the “mechanism” that drives the world of shidduchim in Chassidish mode. In her engagingly candid and perky style, R.B. has obliged us with articulate and to-the-point responses. This column concludes the series, which will have hopefully lent both the aspiring and seasoned shadchan some valuable insight and guidance.

    Latest Poll

    If you could only choose one of the following scenarios regarding Chareidi IDF service, which would you choose?





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/is-friendship-forever/2011/12/08/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close