web analytics
August 28, 2014 / 2 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



The Chassidish Shidduch Route: Tried and true

By:
Chronicles-logo

Dear Rachel,

Thank you for featuring that fascinating and entertaining interview with a chassidish shadchan. I made multiple copies of the 3-part series and mailed them out to my friends and my adult children who are almost ready to marry off their own children.

I come from a mixed background. Though I grew up on the modern orthodox side, many of my close friends and cousins were chassidish. As a teenager I recall being horrified at the idea of having to be “set up” with a boy and getting to meet him under parents’ supervision, thereafter electing – based on one or two brief sessions – to marry him.

There was no way I would have ever considered this type of ludicrous arrangement for myself and I let my parents know it in no uncertain terms. In fact, I furthermore insisted that before I married anyone I’d need to get to know him well and that would mean dating him for a prolonged period of time.

Well, man proposes and G-d disposes, as the saying goes. I met my man, dated him, “fell in love” in short order and announced to my parents before they even got a chance to set their eyes on my pick that this was it — whether they approved of him or not. I made it clear that this was whom I was marrying, come what may.

It really didn’t take very long for me to realize that I didn’t know this person very well at all. It was already during our engagement period that I began to get a queasy feeling about the whole thing, but backtracking was out of the question. How could I possibly plead mea culpa after having shown such a strong front and practically daring anyone to challenge my choice?

It took several years of marriage for me to fully concede that I had erred and that there was no sense in continuing to be married to someone whom I didn’t relate to or have much in common with. We divorced, amicably I should add, but the damage was done. And I was left wondering what if…

True, some marriages between two people of different backgrounds who ostensibly “fall in love” end up working out. But mostly an alliance has a much better chance of succeeding when real compatibility exists. Physical attraction and so-called chemistry will last for only so long in the absence of the more pertinent shared hashkafah, like ideals and long-term goals. Let’s just say that within the framework of Judaism there is enough variance among us to seriously disrupt the smooth functioning of a marital relationship.

The way I’ve come to see it, after years of observing the shidduch process in action: the chassidish modus operandi is basically a win-win. To begin with, you automatically get to weed out the totally irrelevant suggestions with basically no discomfort at all. And even if it should happen that you do get to first base (sit down to a b’show) with one who is not your speed after all the weeding out, there is no need to schlep it out and agonize over how to break it to her or him. A simple message is relayed to the shadchan at the conclusion of the b’show and it’s over and done with and on to something else.

The proof is in the pudding. Falling in love during courting is sometimes real and often fluff. Falling in love after getting married is the real deal; it’s when you begin to live life in earnest and see one another in every possible scenario that a bond forms and strengthens. I’ve seen hundreds of couples get married after brief b’shows and fall madly in love after marriage.

Thank you for presenting a colorful perspective on many issues that effect our communities.

A long-time reader

Dear Reader,

One of the reasons for the success of the chassidish model of shidduch-making is the young age of the singles. A girl or boy of 18 or even 20 is hardly mature enough under any circumstance to gauge real compatibility. Once their parents have already ascertained the suitability of one for the other, the young ones are left to take it from there. If there is a mutual attraction, it is comforting to be assured that the adults have already taken into account all else.

Conversely, the non-chassidic single often wastes time dating endlessly in his or her quest to determine whether Yoni Ploni will make a good spouse in spite of his or her seemingly amiable persona.

All this brings to mind a story about a talmid of the Vilna Gaon who was blind in both eyes, yet he did not allow his impediment to hold him back from his learning as he diligently reviewed the shiurim and committed them to memory.

The Gaon, immensely impressed with his outstanding student, went out on a limb to seek a shidduch for him and found a good girl from a fine family that was also willing and able to support the young couple.

The wedding day arrived, with many in attendance to be sameach the bride and groom. When it came time for the badeken, the Vilna Gaon himself accompanied the chosson to his kallah. On their way, however, the Gaon stopped, turned to the chosson and told him that our holy sages ordained that one is forbidden to enter into Kiddushin before actually seeing his intended. In other words, a chosson must see his kallah before taking her to be his wife.

Upon hearing the words the Gaon just spoke to him, the chosson lifted his head, opened up his eyes and discovered that his eyesight was miraculously restored!

May the attraction between every chosson and kallah endure a lifetime.

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “The Chassidish Shidduch Route: Tried and true

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Former National Security Adviser Uzi Arad speaks at the State Control Committee at the Knesset, March 13, 2012..
Former NSA Blasts Netanyahu
Latest Sections Stories
Itzhak Perlman and Cantor Yitzchak Meir Helfgot together in concert.

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

Mordechai-082214-Armoire

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

Einhorn-082214-Water

Stroll through formal gardens, ride mountain bikes, or go rock climbing.

As they fall upon us we go
To the WALL.

One minute you’re shaving shwarma off a pit, then the shwarma guy tells you he read a (fake) WhatsApp that the boys are dead.

I probe a little deeper and Shula takes me into the world of phantom pains and prosthetic limbs.

This went on until she had immersed eighty times, and then Hashem at last took pity upon her.

Because Menachem lives in Israel, he can feel the ruach in the air.

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Leon experienced the War of Independence from a soldier’s perspective, while remaining true to his Jewish ideals and beliefs.

Chabad of Arizona centers recently hosted an evening of remembrance to mark the 20th yahrzeit of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/the-chassidish-shidduch-route-tried-and-true/2013/05/09/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: