web analytics
July 22, 2014 / 24 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



A Daughter’s Long Held Anger Against Her Father


Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Question: I’ve had some problems getting over the anger I’ve carried throughout my life towards my father. He left my mother for another woman and my mother never really recovered. Even now, 20 years later, I still have difficulty dealing with him because of that. He hasn’t ever apologized, blaming my mother for sharing the information with me, and expects me to forgive and forget. Every Yom Kippur becomes a painful experience – feeling immense pressure to forgive and the guilt of my not wanting to. I feel I must forgive him but don’t know how.

An angry daughter

Answer: Your situation brings up various issues about family breakups and divorce. But your question about forgiveness is quite personal as its definition is truly unique for each individual. I decided to pose your question to my Facebook friends and get their thoughts on the topic of forgiveness. As you’ll see, many grapple with its true meaning and purpose. Below are some of the responses:

Vicki Lansky: I like, “don’t let the one you are angry with live ‘rent free’ in your head.”

Randy and Monica Zachary: I’ve personally learned that as I forgive I’m able to be whole and free and even get personal healing. If I don’t forgive I feel stuck, miserable and bitterness will set in and rob me of living the life I was meant to live. I make mistakes and I say things I shouldn’t, but as I go to the person I offended and ask for forgiveness my relationships grow and I can move on and grow as an individual.

Sandy Kaye: I think in order to live your life honestly, you have to forgive – no matter the offense. To forgive is not to forget, but to release the toxins and venom from your own body in order to live in the present. Forgiving is not giving the other person, people, event or circumstance a free pass, but giving yourself the power to heal and love again.

Steven Geller: Forgiveness, absent healing is empty, yet forgiveness is the first step in healing. Perhaps what we’re leaving unsaid is that for forgiveness and apology to last, it must be genuine and sincere. For a long time, I’ve lived by a principle I refer to as hineini. As you know, it literally means, “here I am.” To me it means, “right here, right now.” I am in this moment at this place. It means live right now… don’t forget the past or forsake the future, but don’t live there either. Learn from the past, plan for the future, savor the now.

Heidi Chaia Wald Mandl: I can forgive almost anything. But I feel like it would be foolish to forget. It leaves you too open and vulnerable to potentially painful situations.

Forgiveness is often asked and granted without great thought or emotional understanding. Like asking someone “how are you,” apologies become perfunctory. I find with deeply painful issues, like the one you’ve experienced, many people feel such pressure to forgive that they rush to it without really achieving any internal peace. Like my friends above, I agree that forgiving is generally cleansing and calming, however, too often it isn’t, because it hasn’t been dealt with in a manner that truly helps the one offended find peace.

Ideally, there should be an apology (unlike the situation you are in where your father seems to have never done so), and it should be one that verbalizes the offensive so the offender can begin to understand what his or her actions did to you. Saying “I’m sorry,” has little healing effect unless there is some genuine discussion about how this hurt you. Almost always, it’s crucial for you to be given a chance to describe how it was for you. At this point you may be willing to “forget” because you feel the person now understands how hurt you are and that, in itself, will significantly reduce the odds of it happening again.

However, if you’ve seen this offensive behavior repeated many times, then you should be wary. Don’t forgive so easily if you know this person is capable of hurting you in the future. Unless this person gives you firm reasons as to why these behaviors will change (he or she has gone to therapy, changed a part of their lifestyle, will give you more transparency into their lives so you can see the behaviors have changed), it behooves you NOT to forget and to expect similar behaviors in the future.

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “A Daughter’s Long Held Anger Against Her Father”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Military funeral in Israel
IDF Names Missing Soldier As Sgt. Oron Shaul
Latest Sections Stories
book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

book-I-Kings

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

book-Unify-A-Nation

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

Schonfeld-logo1

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

“Have you forgotten your dreams?” The Hope Merchant asks a defeated and hopeless Lily when she “happens” upon his shop.

The universe was created by God out of nothing; it has not always existed.

He combined intellectual achievement with deep spirituality and religious devotion.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Spoiler Alert: Going to see the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”, starring Tom Hanks is not like going to Disney World. Well, it is like going to Disney World if you go mid-August with your triplet toddlers, feed them all cotton candy, and lose your car because you forgot you parked in Pluto 7.394. It’s not a happy Disney movie.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back.

The therapeutic alliance has always been about a firm connection between patient and counselor. There has always been one primary standard – physically meeting in an office setting. There might be some phone calls in between sessions or to bridge some vacation gap. But therapy has always been about a feeling of connectivity and there is no better way to do this than face-to-face.

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

As adults who were children of divorce know, healing does not occur through time alone. In fact, my research found that only 46% said they had a positive relationship with their fathers as adults.

Stacy and Michael walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only fired up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning for therapy.

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

There are millions of adults today who experienced the trauma of their parents’ divorce 20, 30, 40 or more years ago. Some have found closure, but many more have not. Regrettably, it is a time in a child’s life that is never forgotten. It stays with you; it is part of who you are.

    Latest Poll

    Israel's Iron Dome Anti-Missile System:





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/a-daughters-long-held-anger-against-her-father/2011/05/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: