web analytics
June 19, 2013 / 11 Tammuz, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
Bicycle in South Pioneers of the Periphery: Olim of the South

Got that pioneering spirit? You’re invited to help build Israel’s periphery by planting roots in southern soil with Nefesh B’Nefesh.



A Daughter’s Long Held Anger Against Her Father


Latest update: May 22nd, 2012
tell a friend
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

In your case, where an apology has never been forthcoming, forgiveness becomes largely about you and not about your dad. You want to find a way to heal internally and forgiveness can help. But the true issue is forgiving yourself. When we are hurt as children, we carry pain that comes from a belief that, in some way, this hurt was deserved, familiar or in some way our fault. Commonly when we get hurt as adults and can’t get over it, we likely have allowed a deeper spot of pain to be activated, reminding us of a past hurt or humiliation. Healing this inner pain is what allows us to forgive others. It helps us understand that people cause pain because of inner issues that drive their ugly behavior, not because anyone deserves to be treated that way. Getting rid of this pain is getting rid of the feeling “I am a person who deserves this.” It’s believing that the offender is a sad, possibly pathetic individual who allows their issues to get in the way of being a better human being.

In situations where there is no apology, it would clearly be unwise to “forget” and open yourself to similar emotional treatment in the future. Again, we’re discussing truly offensive issues here and not our garden-variety issues – being late for dinner, not being as polite to our spouse as we should and such. In these situations we want to ask for and receive forgiveness quickly but still, depending on how much it hurt, the interaction should be with a genuine desire to better understand one another and become closer through this understanding.

In upcoming columns, I’ll discuss the issues of children when there is an infidelity. But for now, identify more clearly how much of your ongoing hurt over your father’s actions has to do with your loyalty to your mother who “hasn’t recovered.” Simply put, would your pain have subsided and your relationship with your dad been much different if your mother recovered and moved on with her life emotionally? If the answer is yes, then you need to consider whether you are helping your mother by maintaining this loyalty. I believe, after 20 years, your mother has every right to feel however she wants, but you should no longer be expected to feel any of her pain over this, at least not to the extent that it gets in the way of your own pain and relationship with your father. Perhaps a conversation with your mother is in order to help you be rid of any of these loyalty issues.

If you never have had a conversation with your father about this issue, it might be time. But tell him what you want from the conversation. Explain up front that you are not looking for him to assess blame, but just to understand how hurtful it was for you to lose his presence or love. If he begins to blame your mother, bring him back to “we are only here to salvage our relationship” and how that will come through his understanding your hurt – regardless of exactly how much was his fault.

Pages: 1 2 All Pages
tell a friend

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


You might also be interested in:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.
no comments

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Latest Sections Stories
Kodish-061413-Dancing
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Yet all are part of one neshamah, planted in rich, verdant soil, determined to grow. May our garden continue to produce a glorious assortment of flowers and trees, each attached firmly to its roots. Our diverse southern vegetation flourishes and grows into different trees, flowers, and fruits, and a rainbow of glorious shades and hues appears. Yet each shoot is rooted in the same soil, stretching its branches and blossoms heavenward in an endless pursuit of growth and connection to the One above.

Baim-061413-Long-hair
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

This past Lag B’Omer, we were blessed to make our first upsherin, where we celebrate our son’s first hair cut. It’s a wonderful milestone that mimics the three years that we refrain from plucking a tree’s first fruits and symbolizes the entry of the child into the world of Torah learning. It’s a clear sign to everyone; this boy is no longer a baby.

Littman-061413-Bridge
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Although there are more direct and faster routes to Beer Sheva and Eilat and all the sites and towns in-between, the Basor River is one of the beauties of the Negev that defiantly justifies a diversion.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

The importance of death customs has been ingrained in me since birth. When I served as a shomeret for my grandmother, I was instructed not to eat, drink or perform a mitzvah in the same room. In the shock of death, it seemed rather inane to be told it would be considered mocking the dead. My grandmother was gone; she couldn’t do those things because she didn’t exist anymore, a fact that still makes me tear up.

Sections → Magazine → Potpourri

I would have to say that one of the most annoying things about having a newspaper advice column, aside from all these people writing to me and asking for advice, is that they frequently don’t tell me WHY they’re asking.

Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l, who passed away on 28 Tammuz, (July18) this year at age 102, spent all of his days and most of his nights learning Torah. He was the paramount leader of our generation, and inspired tremendous awe and reverence in everyone who knew him. Now, every woman has the stunning opportunity to do something in his memory. A Sefer Torah is being written in his memory and women around the world have the chance to dedicate a letter.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Due to her family situation, it is understandable that she will have more responsibilities than other girls her age, but she would benefit from having some free time and receiving more appreciation for her hard work.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

For children, summer means outdoor sports, picnics, and of course, no school! Teachers and students work hard all year long – and everyone deserves a break from education over the summer. However, this two-month break can often have some pretty devastating consequences.

Sections → Family

It was only after we celebrated the great news that we were expecting twins that we saw the first sign of problems. First of all, my wife was losing, not gaining weight, even as the babies continued to grow normally. Soon after, routine blood work revealed that my wife was suffering from gestational diabetes.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Rabbi Pinchas Gruman is the new rav of the Minyan at Aish Tamid.

One of the most respected Torah figures in Los Angeles, Rabbi Gruman has been described as “The Los Angeles link in the mesorah of the yeshiva world” by Rabbi Nachum Sauer. As a talmid in Lakewood in the 1950s, Rabbi Gruman received semicha from Rav Aaron Kotler, zt”l, and Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l. Soon after, he moved to Los Angeles.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

There are millions of adults today who experienced the trauma of their parents’ divorce 20, 30, 40 or more years ago. Some have found closure, but many more have not. Regrettably, it is a time in a child’s life that is never forgotten. It stays with you; it is part of who you are.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My father-in-law spent over thirty-five years as a circuit court judge. He noticed that some clients paid teams of lawyers only to be poorly represented. He noted in these cases that, “the lawyers are so busy arguing with each other that nobody’s arguing the case.” There was an absence of cohesiveness and the ego driven fighting rendered the team ineffective.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Cheating on a spouse is a terrible betrayal. Yes, sadly, it is quite common, but that doesn’t erase the devastation and pain it causes. The discovery of cheating almost always comes on the heels of extreme lying. The big question always is, how can the one cheated on ever trust again? It is logical and practical to think that once a spouse has cheated, there is no reason to assume it would not occur time and again.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Not long ago, he was jumping on Oprah’s couch like a lovesick teen, and now Tom Cruise faces a bitter divorce with Katie Holmes. Why is it that when a couple seems to have everything: fame, fortune, health, and an adorable child, it doesn’t work? It’s enough to make everyone else hopeless. After all, if celebrities have everything and can’t make it, what are the chances for the rest of us?

Judaism → Holidays

Dear Gary,
As Pesach approaches, I get worried because I want to have a great Yom Tov, and yet, every year, the seder ends in some sort of fighting and arguing. My husband wants the seder to be all about divrei Torah and so do I, but between the younger children (who we want to be awake for the whole seder) and guests, we somehow end up in stern looks and squabbles. I’m happy we have guests or else we’d probably start yelling at each other and even Eliyahu Hanavi would bail. I know everyone jokes about how tough Pesach is, but I can’t see the humor anymore – and neither can my children. What can we do to manage a calm (I don’t even wish for happy) seder?

A Sad Mom

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Q. I’ve had some problems getting over the anger I’ve carried throughout my life towards my father. He left my mother for another woman and my mother never really recovered. Even now, 20 years later, I still have difficulty dealing with him because of that. He hasn’t ever apologized, blaming my mother for sharing the information with me, and expects me to forgive and forget. Every Yom Kippur becomes a painful experience – feeling immense pressure to forgive and the guilt of my not wanting to. I feel I must forgive him but don’t know how.

An angry daughter

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Question: My husband is always telling me the wonderful things he’s done to make me happy. If he makes the bed, makes calls on my behalf, works hard in the office, I hear about it. The other day he had to take care of a health insurance issue and he made sure to tell me that it took over two hours and three phone calls, in case I thought it went smoothly. I don’t constantly tally up what I do for him and I find it childish that he does. My friends tell me that their husbands don’t do this – so, why does mine?

    Latest Poll

    Female, Orthodox, Halachic Deciders and Spiritual Leaders (Maharat)









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/a-daughters-long-held-anger-against-her-father/2011/05/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close