web analytics
March 3, 2015 / 12 Adar , 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


A Reader Offers Shidduch Advice

Respler-Yael

Dear Dr. Yael:

Regarding your February 14 column, “The Frustrating Search For A Shidduch,” here are my observations of the frustrations of singles and their mothers. I hope this letter

serves as a catalyst to lessen the pain of single men, women and their families, as they continue to bravely search for the bashert that is satisfactory to all.

Having been in the shidduch parshah for over a decade before meeting my bashert, I can definitely relate to the many challenges and hardships singles experience.

Over the years my mother and I were the recipients of many hurtful comments. Some shadchanim feel they are experienced psychologists when relating to singles because they and their children were fortunate enough to get married. They offer unsolicited advice at the most inconvenient times based on their strong desire to “help.” But believe me, when I was at a relative’s bar mitzvah trying to enjoy the occasion, I did not feel that the shadchan who would approach me was being helpful.

She would first ask if I was ever involved in a serious relationship. That’s another way of asking if I was afraid of commitment. Then she’d proceed to “educate” me that all humans have imperfections and thus, when I date a woman who may be less than perfect, I need to “look away” because nobody is perfect. I wanted to respond by asking her to identify who had been kind enough to give her this advice before she got married. After all, since she is married I can assume someone had told this to her.

Then there are the many less-than-perfect shadchanim that singles must constantly deal with (i.e., tolerate). There are shadchanim who mention a hundred names to one person and others who mention one name to a hundred people. I guess if you throw enough darts at a target, you might eventually hit the bull’s eye. But they’re not as difficult as the light-bulb shadchanim. They think that their idea is so perfect that they feel the need to constantly badger you – which may lead to harassment. Often, a shadchan may not even know the person he or she is suggesting; yet that does not stop the pressure. These shadchanim assume that you lack the ability to identify what is good for you and/or you simply don’t want to get married as badly as the shadchan wants to make a shidduch. Then, if you are lucky enough to fend off their onslaught, they may tell everyone – behind your back – how picky and confused you are.

Being that the path to finding one’s bashert is challenging enough, there is no need for additional external pressures from shadchanim and gossipers who lack common sense and kavod habriyos. They also lack hakaras hatov, considering that they and/or their children were, baruch Hashem, fortunate enough to find their basherts. It is noteworthy that singles will not get too many hurtful comments leveled at them from people with children in the dating parshah. It’s usually right after their son or daughter gets engaged that they start asking you why it’s taking so long for you to find your bashert or suggesting that you shouldn’t be so picky (my personal favorite).

The lack of common sense and/or hakaras hatov exists among singles and shadchanim alike. This strengthens my point. This is not a “singles” issue or “shadchan” issue. It is a “people” issue because, unfortunately, there are those who lack common sense. I, for one, have dealt with so many wonderful professional and non-professional shadchanim who sincerely want to help singles get married without feeling the need to judge them. And I’m sure that shadchanim have dealt with appreciative and thoughtful singles as well.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “A Reader Offers Shidduch Advice”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses the US Congress in Washington on May 24 2011.
Live: Watch Netanyahu’s Speech in Congress [video]
Latest Sections Stories
Schonfeld-logo1

There is a point that many parenting books miss: children do more for us than we do for them.

Brigitte Gabriel

Brigitte was a nine-year-old girl when Islamic militants launched an assault on a Lebanese military base and destroyed her home.

Respler-022715

The husband needs to make some changes!

Purim is a fantastic time for fantasies, so I hope you won’t mind my fantasizing about how easy life would be if kids would prefer healthy cuisine over sweets. Imagine waking up to the call of “Mommy, when will my oatmeal be ready?”… As you rush to ladle out the hot unsweetened cereal, you rub […]

‘Double Gold’ awarded to 2012 Yarden Heights wine & 2011 Yarden Merlot Kela Single Vineyard.

One should not give the money before Purim morning or after sunset.

The mishloach manos of times gone by were sometimes simple and sometimes elaborate, but the main focus was on the preparation of the delicious food they contained.

One of the earliest special Purims we have on record was celebrated by the Jews of Granada and Shmuel HaNagid, the eleventh-century rav, poet, soldier and statesman, and one of the most influential Jews in Muslim Spain.

Jews, wake up! Stop educating the world and start educating yourselves.

The lessons conform to the sensitivities and needs of the Orthodox community…

The program took on special significance as it marked not only the first anniversary of Rebbetzin Kudan’s levayah but also the 27th yahrzeit of Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson, a”h.

It was only in the reign of George III (1760-1820) that Jews became socially acceptable in Britain, and Nathan became music master to Princess Charlotte and musical librarian to King George IV.

It captures the love of the Jewish soul as only Shlomo Hamelech could portray it – and as only Rabbi Miller could explain it.

Erudite and academic, drawing from ancient and modern sources, the book can be discussed at the Shabbos table as well as in kollel.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-022715

The husband needs to make some changes!

Respler-022015

Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.

She says that they are our children and since she brings in half, or sometimes more than half of our parnassah, we need to be full partners in their chinuch.

I surprise my wife with gifts, large and small.

They are like children keeping count of who changed how many diapers each day.

I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that.

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

The Moroccan wife’s chief pride is showing that she ought to win the prize for the most attentive and solicitous spouse and mother.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/a-reader-offers-shidduch-advice/2014/03/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: