web analytics
December 22, 2014 / 30 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



A Reader Offers Shidduch Advice

Respler-Yael

Dear Dr. Yael:

Regarding your February 14 column, “The Frustrating Search For A Shidduch,” here are my observations of the frustrations of singles and their mothers. I hope this letter

serves as a catalyst to lessen the pain of single men, women and their families, as they continue to bravely search for the bashert that is satisfactory to all.

Having been in the shidduch parshah for over a decade before meeting my bashert, I can definitely relate to the many challenges and hardships singles experience.

Over the years my mother and I were the recipients of many hurtful comments. Some shadchanim feel they are experienced psychologists when relating to singles because they and their children were fortunate enough to get married. They offer unsolicited advice at the most inconvenient times based on their strong desire to “help.” But believe me, when I was at a relative’s bar mitzvah trying to enjoy the occasion, I did not feel that the shadchan who would approach me was being helpful.

She would first ask if I was ever involved in a serious relationship. That’s another way of asking if I was afraid of commitment. Then she’d proceed to “educate” me that all humans have imperfections and thus, when I date a woman who may be less than perfect, I need to “look away” because nobody is perfect. I wanted to respond by asking her to identify who had been kind enough to give her this advice before she got married. After all, since she is married I can assume someone had told this to her.

Then there are the many less-than-perfect shadchanim that singles must constantly deal with (i.e., tolerate). There are shadchanim who mention a hundred names to one person and others who mention one name to a hundred people. I guess if you throw enough darts at a target, you might eventually hit the bull’s eye. But they’re not as difficult as the light-bulb shadchanim. They think that their idea is so perfect that they feel the need to constantly badger you – which may lead to harassment. Often, a shadchan may not even know the person he or she is suggesting; yet that does not stop the pressure. These shadchanim assume that you lack the ability to identify what is good for you and/or you simply don’t want to get married as badly as the shadchan wants to make a shidduch. Then, if you are lucky enough to fend off their onslaught, they may tell everyone – behind your back – how picky and confused you are.

Being that the path to finding one’s bashert is challenging enough, there is no need for additional external pressures from shadchanim and gossipers who lack common sense and kavod habriyos. They also lack hakaras hatov, considering that they and/or their children were, baruch Hashem, fortunate enough to find their basherts. It is noteworthy that singles will not get too many hurtful comments leveled at them from people with children in the dating parshah. It’s usually right after their son or daughter gets engaged that they start asking you why it’s taking so long for you to find your bashert or suggesting that you shouldn’t be so picky (my personal favorite).

The lack of common sense and/or hakaras hatov exists among singles and shadchanim alike. This strengthens my point. This is not a “singles” issue or “shadchan” issue. It is a “people” issue because, unfortunately, there are those who lack common sense. I, for one, have dealt with so many wonderful professional and non-professional shadchanim who sincerely want to help singles get married without feeling the need to judge them. And I’m sure that shadchanim have dealt with appreciative and thoughtful singles as well.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “A Reader Offers Shidduch Advice”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi meet in NY late Sunday, Sept. 28, 2014, ahead of Netanyahu's speech at UN General Assembly  set for the next day.
India May Pull Rug Out From Under Abbas in UN Vote
Latest Sections Stories
Games-121914

Here are examples of games that need to be played by more than one person and an added bonus: they’re all Shabbos-friendly.

South-Florida-logo

The incident was completely unforeseeable. The only term to describe the set of circumstances surrounding it is “freak occurrence.”

South-Florida-logo

The first Chabad Center in Broward County, Chabad of South Broward, now runs nearly fifty programs and agencies. T

The NHS was also honored to have Bob Diener as keynote speaker.

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-logo-NEW

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

Respler-logo-NEW

Isn’t there anyone making a simcha who understands that loud music can cause hearing loss?

My mother thinks of herself as a superior person, has very little feelings for other people, and probably suffers from a deep lack of self-esteem.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

When one marries someone with children, all family members must accept them.

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/a-reader-offers-shidduch-advice/2014/03/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: