web analytics
July 23, 2014 / 25 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Connect To Love


Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Question: My husband and I have been married 14 years, have 6 children, each one in a yeshiva and are so overwhelmed. Between shuttling the kids and homework, I feel like my marriage is non-existent. My husband tells me it’s normal at this stage in our life but my mother tells me to do something about it. Where do I begin?

Answer: First of all, listen to your mother. That is not to say that your husband is not right – it is normal. However, this “stage” called childrearing doesn’t end for many years to come, if ever. Couples who wait until the kids are older to find time to spend together, find that they have become so emotionally separated that repairing the marriage is almost impossible.

In my upcoming book, Connect to Love, I focus on research which shows that couples who spend on average of over 30 minutes a day talking to each other have a significantly higher rate of happiness than those who spend less time speaking. It makes sense and if nothing else, is the most important thing to make sure happens. This means you have to get the younger ones settled in bed and then explain to the older ones, if they’re still up, that Mom and Dad are spending some uninterrupted time together. If you can’t accomplish this in any common area of the home, go into your bedroom and close the door. You have to create some secluded space for your couplehood. Turn off your cell phones and every other distraction for 45 minutes. Plan for this time to be relaxing – have some tea or a drink, catch up. At first, you may feel pressure to discuss things. But try not to; get back to chatting as quickly as you can. If you’re like many, you’ll be thinking, “chatting, who knows how to chat anymore.” Don’t worry, force yourself to chat – and if you can keep this 45 minute period going for 3 nights per week, you’ll be on the way to reconnecting.

Next, set up a date night – the same night each week. Arrange for a babysitter to come on those nights, no matter what, so she’ll be there whether or not you are too tired to go out. This will help you resist the urge to not go out. On your date night, spend a minimum of two hours together, without another couple, and DO something. And not always the dinner and movie routine. Check local listings and find events, interesting places to go. Avoid the phone calls from children.

It’s easy to have “no time for marriage.” But what really happens is that we have time for everything else that is a pressing need and then we have no energy left for the non-pressing need – marriage. Successful couples don’t have any magic formula and aren’t simply better matched. Successful couples keep their eye on the prize – a loving relationship – and are constantly working to nourish it with enough time and love so that it can always continue to grow.

This is just the beginning, but it is the pre-requisite for getting back to a fluid, loving relationship.

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Connect To Love”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Wounded Golani commander returns to his troops on July 22, 2014.
Golani Commander Proves Why the Unit is Known for Bravery
Latest Sections Stories
book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

book-I-Kings

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

book-Unify-A-Nation

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

Schonfeld-logo1

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

“Have you forgotten your dreams?” The Hope Merchant asks a defeated and hopeless Lily when she “happens” upon his shop.

The universe was created by God out of nothing; it has not always existed.

He combined intellectual achievement with deep spirituality and religious devotion.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Spoiler Alert: Going to see the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”, starring Tom Hanks is not like going to Disney World. Well, it is like going to Disney World if you go mid-August with your triplet toddlers, feed them all cotton candy, and lose your car because you forgot you parked in Pluto 7.394. It’s not a happy Disney movie.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back.

The therapeutic alliance has always been about a firm connection between patient and counselor. There has always been one primary standard – physically meeting in an office setting. There might be some phone calls in between sessions or to bridge some vacation gap. But therapy has always been about a feeling of connectivity and there is no better way to do this than face-to-face.

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

As adults who were children of divorce know, healing does not occur through time alone. In fact, my research found that only 46% said they had a positive relationship with their fathers as adults.

Stacy and Michael walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only fired up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning for therapy.

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

There are millions of adults today who experienced the trauma of their parents’ divorce 20, 30, 40 or more years ago. Some have found closure, but many more have not. Regrettably, it is a time in a child’s life that is never forgotten. It stays with you; it is part of who you are.

    Latest Poll

    Israel's Iron Dome Anti-Missile System:





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/connect-to-love-3/2010/09/29/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: