Dear Dr. Yael,
I am a happily married man who loves his wife very much. However, there is one situation that threatens to undo the fabric of our marriage.
Let me explain.
This is a second marriage for both of us. Each of us had been in unhappy marriages the first time and waited for our individual children to marry before we got divorced. Baruch Hashem, both our previous spouses are also happily remarried and, for the most part, we all get along. Many marvel at the way we can all be at our children’s simchas together.
And yet, my wife has one flaw: she will get angry with me for things that are out of my control and threaten to divorce me. Later she apologizes and says that she is sorry that she lost it, but it can ruin a whole day or evening.
Here is an example: One of my married daughters is not very respectful to my wife or me. This daughter suffered the most from our divorce – she is the youngest and we separated pretty soon after her wedding. I also think she did not realize how bad things were between us and was shocked by the divorce.
She does not speak with my wife unless forced to and is very cold to me. As you can imagine, it makes things very uncomfortable for all of us, and my wife does not know how to handle things.
I am not sure what I can do. I cannot control my daughter’s actions and know that if I try to discuss things with her, she will just cut me out of her life.
I love my wife. Baruch Hashem, we have money, true love, passion and happiness and I so want us to stay together. Our relationship with the other children is wonderful and we see them and our respective grandchildren all the time.
My question to you is: How can I stop her intense anger and threats of divorce when it comes to this particular issue which I have no control over? I love your column; we read it every Friday night. I hope that you print and respond to my letter. I changed some details so that people will not recognize us.
A Fan
Dear A Fan,
Let me begin by saying that people who threaten, whether it’s divorce or any other consequence, are generally those who were threatened themselves. It could have been in a previous marriage or in childhood. You say that all of you – spouses and ex-spouses – seem to get along. I wonder, though, if your wife wasn’t threatened by her former husband. Or if she wasn’t threatened as a child by her parents. If she was, it’s something that needs to be examined on a deeper level.
If your wife is used to being hurt by others, she may defensively try to hurt you to protect herself – the best defense is an offense. I cannot say for sure, but it is a possibility.
I would suggest sitting down with your wife at a time when you are both calm and explaining how you feel. Tell her that you love her and are so happy you found each other. Tell her that even though you know she is not seriously thinking about divorce, when she brings it up it hurts you. Remind her that you know your daughter is completely wrong but you don’t want to damage that relationship anymore than it has been.
Maybe you can come up with a secret (funny) word you can say when you see your wife getting upset, to avoid the divorce threats. Maybe you can also say this word when you see your daughter isn’t being nice to her, so she understands that you and she are on the same page. This might help her feel more loved and less attacked, which will allow her not to feel like she has to attack you.
I hope these ideas are helpful to you. If this doesn’t seem to work, maybe your wife will agree to go for some short-term counseling to help you navigate this hairy situation! Hatzlocha!