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Dear Dr. Yael,

I’ve been thinking about the mother who was so busy volunteering that her family felt neglected (August 3). Of course, I don’t know the family dynamics or the psychological factors that may be involved, and I’m not a psychologist so I can’t speak as a professional. However, I thought it might be a good idea for the family to begin volunteering as a group. The teenage girls could make phone calls for auctions, help pack or deliver Shabbos packages anonymously with a parent, or visit nursing homes – there are so many opportunities for families to participate in chesed. Parents are usually aware of each child’s strengths, weaknesses and preferences and could easily tailor their volunteer efforts to include family members. Even with everyone’s busy and sometimes conflicting schedules, it’s doable.

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Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
A grandmother with some life experience

 

Dear Grandmother,

Thank you for this great suggestion. You shared some wonderful ways to involve a family in chesed and still spend time with them.

It is possible that the mother in the letter was using her chesed activities to get away from her family, but it is hard to know. However, your suggestion could bring about a change in the family dynamics that would make her staying away a non-issue.

I know of families that host many people for Shabbos. They often involve their children in setting up, serving, clearing off and saying divrei Torah. The huge impression that these families have on non-Orthodox people is amazing. They give them a sense of family unity and the importance of doing chesed. Children who grow up being included in their family’s chesed activities and understand the value of doing for others, end up doing chesed as adults and have great self-esteem.

All of this being said, I cannot stress how important it is that parents make their children a priority. They need our love and attention and to feel included in appropriate activities.

In addition, I believe that every family needs alone time as well. I often advise families who have a lot of guests to make sure that there is one Shabbos meal with just their children. In this way their children can be assured they are getting their parents full attention.

The value of doing chesed can’t be stressed enough. And, as we said, it is critical that parents engage their children in various chesed activities that they enjoy. Let’s just be sure that our children never feel neglected.

Wishing you all a gmar chasima tova.

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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.