Dear Dr. Respler,
I am a teenage girl who loves reading your column. You really seem to understand relationships.
Here is why I am writing. I am 16 and a junior in high school. I am a really good student, quiet, well-behaved and ambitious. The problem is that I really have no friends. In my school all the girls are in cliques – except for me. I study during recess and lunch and I feel basically ignored by my fellow classmates. They call me when they need help in school; however, I am never invited to parties or when they just get together.
I am miserable in school, but no one understands. My teachers just see me as the girl with really good middos. And my parents are also nice quiet people who don’t socialize much.
I only have one brother and he is also a good student who is very quiet. However, he loves learning and he doesn’t care so much about friends. He does have a great chavrusa and he is his only true friend.
Even if I had a friend, I wouldn’t want to bring her home, as my mother is not really a good housekeeper and my father doesn’t seem to care if the house is always a mess.
Dr. Respler, I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. Sometimes I think about speaking to my mechanechet who is a wonderful person, but I am scared. I wonder why she never tries to speak to me. I guess since I am so well-behaved the school loves me and they don’t realize how much I am suffering. Please help me!
A Teenage Fan of Your Column
Dear A.T.F.O.Y.C.:
My heart breaks as I read your letter, though your story is not uncommon. I see many young men and women who are suffering in the same way. Many of our yeshivos place a great emphasis on middos, but it is not always enough. Even with the best program in place, there are going to be students who feel left out. Girls naturally form friendships, and sometimes those can be exclusive. When I have patients with these issues, one of the first things we do is focus on social skills building. I find that it can make a real difference in the way the teens feel about themselves, which will translate to better encounters with others.
Your specific situation seems to be compounded with the reality that your parents do not seem to have friends either.
Please speak to your mechanechet. We have to assume she is not aware of how you feel. Perhaps she can set up some kind of activity, maybe chesed related, that will foster friendships. When I was high school, we had a program that required us to fulfill a certain amount of chesed hours. In fact, it was these chesed hours that led me to psychology. I used to visit a senior citizen home every Sunday with a group of friends. We would speak with the seniors and brighten their day.
The chesed programs also fostered friendships between the girls. You are in the beginning of the eleventh grade. If you can turn your situation around this year, you have two more years to develop new friendships. Perhaps you can speak to a guidance counselor in your school or seek outside therapy to increase your own social skills. You may also want to ask yourself these questions: Are you friendly to others? Do you compliment your classmates? Do you initiate conversations and try to be positive? Perhaps you become so anxious or are so shy around others so they do not feel comfortable approaching you. Counseling can be helpful with any of these possible scenarios.
Please reach out for help. It sounds like you are girl with a lot of depth and much to offer. There is no reason for you to suffer. As I said, now is the time to get the assistance you need.
Hatzlocha!