Photo Credit: Courtesy Dr. Yael Respler

Dear Dr. Respler,

I read with interest your response to “An Anguished Grandmother” (10-23), who is “unhappy” with the caliber of care her nine-month-old grandchild is receiving at daycare. She described her son and daughter-in-law as “passive,” but I would label them misguided and hopelessly immature! They have engaged the services of a “debilitated” and incompetent childcare worker because the price was right. How could they compromise on their child’s welfare?

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As a grandmother, I have witnessed the scrupulous research my children have exercised before deciding on a suitable daycare program. In consideration were: the credentials and experience of the childcare provider, the testimony of other parents, the physical conditions of the location –

staircase safety, ventilation, brightness, compliance with regulations for fire/evacuation – and

the presence of an assistant. These childcare workers provide the parent with daily documentation of what the child ate or didn’t eat, how many diaper changes were required, etc.

You present the research of Dr. Harry Harlow, who concluded that warmth and love is crucial to the normal development of young children and how its absence affects them forever. You recommend that the grandmother acquaint her children with this research (monkeys and all). It is sad to say, but it is unlikely they will have any interest in this research, as their sole consideration is the daycare cost.

Additionally, I feel you missed an opportunity by not addressing a crucial statement by the grandmother and her husband, who after planting a hidden camera in the baby’s diaper bag, said, “If the babysitter were not frum we would report her to the authorities.”

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz, a renowned educator and expert on parenting – particularly in regards to the chinuch and safety of our children – has emphasized that if you become aware of any inappropriate or abusive incident toward a child, you have the responsibility to report the offender to law enforcement. Even if we are talking about a rebbe in school, we are not to leave it up to the menahel. I would apply this position to daycare providers as well.

I recommend that along with the kallah and chassan classes in the pre-marriage stage, couples take a class in Parenting for Dummies. If I were the grandmother, I would volunteer to babysit

for the grandchild free of charge – an offer her children would predictably accept since cost is the factor. I hope that at some point you will discuss the issue of reporting inappropriate behavior to authorities since evidently it must be reinforced. There is no place for incompetent or abusive individuals as teachers or as childcare providers,

D.R.
Surfside, Florida

 

 

Dear D.R.,

This column is one we received a lot of feedback on. Many people were appalled at the lack of care the parents displayed. Our response was simply to reinforce the psychological importance of proper childcare. However, the issue of reporting people to authorities is not a simple one and may not even be appropriate in this situation. I would venture to say that the woman in question might not be breaking the law. Our hope is that the parents will understand how important warmth and love are to a child throughout his or her day and make the necessary changes.

It is also important to remember that we are only hearing from one side and the parents of the child, and even the daycare worker, may have a completely different perspective on the situation. That being said, your response bears consideration, however a competent rav must be consulted in each situation.

 

It would be wonderful if all grandmothers could offer their services free of charge, but this is not always feasible. If I remember correctly, this woman did offer to pay for a different childcare provider, which would take care of the cost factor.

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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to [email protected]. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.