Dear Readers,
As a therapist who sits in my office and sees patients who struggle with self-esteem issues, I can share that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So many issues emanate from poor self-esteem – the rise in divorce, our off-the-derech problem, our drug problem. I was fortunate to become acquainted with a young woman who wrote a wonderful book for children to bolster their self-esteem.
Unconditional love is something we all crave. We resent feeling that we are loved because of our achievements or the money we earn, and the roots of this message start when children are young. Building a child’s self-esteem is the way to raise healthy adults and prevent some of the problems today’s generation is facing.
I Love You Just Because You’re You! by Rochel Levy (Feldheim) gives parents the words to tell kids what they need to hear – that even when they slip up, they are loved no less.
I think it’s critical that children get this message from the youngest age. To an emotionally-healthy parent, there should not be anything a child could do that would cause the parent to decide the child is undeserving of his or her love.
The very phrase “unconditional love” seems to be an oxymoron since love (definitely for our children) isn’t something we can choose to turn off when a condition isn’t met. Loving our offspring is something we are hard-wired for. The question is: Do our children know that they are loved no matter what? Or do they think that we love them because they are smart, or cute, or good at football? Or that we love them because they do the right thing and make us proud?
Children should regularly be told that no matter what they say or do, our love for them is non-negotiable. It’s untouchable. They should know that we sometimes need to guide them towards appropriate behavior, but that has nothing to do with our love for them. When a parent gets frustrated and lashes out at a child for something he did, the child might walk away with the feeling that his parent’s love for him has been diminished. From his or her juvenile perspective, it makes sense. “My mother is mad at me, so that means she doesn’t love me!” An unsatisfactory reaction can be interpreted to mean that a misdemeanor has made him or her less deserving of love. We all know that it can’t be further from the truth! We don’t love our children because they give us nachas. We don’t love them because of their positive qualities or traits. We honestly love them just for who they are, in spite of their deficiencies!
But do they know that?
When a child knows that he has his parents’ devotion under his belt no matter what, he is given the gift of confidence for life. He will feel poised to make unfettered decisions. He won’t worry that anyone will think less of him if he isn’t the ideal human specimen. He knows that nothing can make him any less of a person because he can’t be judged or condemned by anyone. And when discipline is necessary, he will know that even though he messed up, it doesn’t make him a bad person. When a child is ingrained with the rock-solid belief that he is loved, he won’t interpret an upset parent as an unloving parent.
With kids at risk, parents might wonder whether “tough love” is the way to go. Do you tell your daughter you love her even if she asks you to buy cigarettes or do you tell her she is not welcome in your home looking/acting/speaking like this? The expression of unconditional love to children in pain is priceless. When they learn that they can trust their parent to have their back, healing can begin.
However, voicing undying dedication should not be reserved for children at risk. Before a struggle even begins, every child should definitely know that he can trust his parents. Not because he’s in pain, simply because he is a person and deserves it.
The last page of the book reads, “He loves you when you start your day, and while you learn and work and play, Hashem loves you the whole day through, He loves you just because you’re you!” By being there unconditionally, we are emulating Hashem, who has indefatigable love for His children. One of the tenets of Yiddishkeit is the core bitachon that Hashem does not abandon us.
The message of the book is that no matter what misconduct a child demonstrates, our love is unrelenting.
Once our children know they are loved unconditionally, they will be imbued with a sense of confidence and know that someone always has their back. This will hopefully save our children from the many dangers in the world and create an environment that even if they get pulled into a bad situation (a bad marriage, a bad crowd, an abusive situation, an inappropriate relationship), they will feel comfortable reaching out because they will not be afraid of losing our love! Building this loving relationship early on is like taking out the most important insurance. Once you have this foundation, your bond will help you weather almost any storm! Hatzlocha in this extremely important endeavor!