web analytics
September 24, 2014 / 29 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Dear Dr. Yael

Respler-011312

Dear Dr. Yael: As a husband and longtime admirer of your column, I respectfully submit that your answer to A Sleep-Deprived Wife (The Magazine, 12-23-2011) missed the mark. Your response begins as follows:

“The easy answer to your tough predicament is to tell your husband that he cannot continue to do this to you, and that he needs to daven in a later minyan. However, I am not a rav and thus cannot give you such a response.”

I do not understand why one would need to consult a rav in order to be able to address the husband in a much firmer fashion. Major poskim have ruled that a minyan on a plane should be dispensed with when it causes a disturbance to other passengers (see www.torahweb.org). Is a wife less of a human being than fellow airplane passengers?

Moreover, the very fact that this husband sleeps through the first alarm and disturbs his wife a second time when the snooze alarm goes off; bangs cabinets and drawers while getting ready for minyan; and occasionally wakes up the baby demonstrates a much more fundamental problem of religious hubris. Does Mr. Holiness think that he can trample all over his wife’s feelings and health just because he gets up to daven vasikin? Does he really think G-d is listening to any of his tefillos while his wife is suffering all day long?

The husband should be advised in no uncertain terms that the onus is entirely on him to fix the problem in a way that is painless for his wife, and that if this means finding a different time and place to daven – so be it. If this “tzaddik” is so intent on performing mitzvos, let him start with the midrash that states that a man is supposed to forever be vigilant in matters involving his wife’s wellbeing (Bava Metzia 59a).

Sincerely, T.F.

Dear T.F.: I appreciate your knowledgeable letter and admit that I have often been accused of saying, “Consult daas Torah.” I felt the same as you do about this situation, but not knowing the couple and fearing the possibility of causing shalom bayis problems, I thought that some practical suggestions would elucidate to the husband the importance of respecting his wife’s sleep. Furthermore, you can never go wrong when asking daas Torah, as we never know the best action to take. Something that may seem to have an easy solution may not, in fact, be the correct one. Perhaps a rav, especially one who knows the husband, will have a way of addressing the issue that could make both spouses happy. Either way, as I said, it does not hurt to speak to a rav, especially if the letter writer’s husband will listen to what the rav says.

If you regularly read my column, you may sense that my nature is to avoid conflict whenever possible. I think the healthiest derech for people in any relationship is to find a peaceful solution. The critical letters I often receive to my responses have the same theme: “Dr. Respler, you missed the mark.” It is not that I am missing the mark, but rather choose to try to answer – in a diplomatic manner – the often challenging and difficult questions and issues presented.

Without knowing any further details, I agree with your view and hope that the husband in question reads your words of wisdom, studies the laws of geneivas sheinah (stealing sleep), and realizes that his behavior reflects poor middos. It is said that Hashem treats us the way we treat other people. Therefore, we should attempt to never hurt others and to treat other people well.

I really appreciate your astute letter that reflects that you are a talmid chacham. We hope that your letter will inspire others to – in all ways – be considerate to their spouses, children and all of their loved ones. Unfortunately, we often treat those that we love in a more painful manner than we treat strangers.

In my public speeches or in treating my clients, I say, “Treat your spouse and children like guests, and I am sure you will have more shalom bayis.” Think about this: if a guest comes to your house uninvited at an inconvenient time, somehow you will put on a smile and greet them nicely – even offering them drink or food. But too often that is not the way in which we greet our spouses and children. If your spouse calls when you are in a lousy mood, you will say, “Oh, it’s you,” in a disappointed tone or maybe “I am busy now,” or “I have work to do.” But if a potential customer, friend or acquaintance calls and you are in the same awful mood or situation, you will likely greet them with enthusiasm.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Dear Dr. Yael”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
NY rally against Met Opera's 'Death of Klinghoffer' opera. Sept. 22, 2014.
New York City Site of Huge Rally Against Met’s Klinghoffer Opera
Latest Sections Stories
book-diversity-divine

For each weekly reading, Rabbi Grysman begins with a synopsis of the Torah portion, followed by a focus on a major issue.

South-Florida-logo

It’s Rosh Hashanah. A new year. Time for a fresh start. Time for a new slate. Time for change.

South-Florida-logo

Governor Rick Scott visited North Miami Beach/Aventura on the morning of Wednesday, September 17.

South-Florida-logo

While the cost per student is higher than mainstream schools, Metzuyan Academy ESE is a priceless educational opportunity for children with special needs in South Florida.

Challah-pa-looza helped get the community ready and excited about the upcoming Jewish New Year.

Miami businessman and philanthropist Eli Nash had many in tears as he shared his story of the horrific abuse he suffered from age 8 to 11.

As optimistic as Menachem Rosenberg is – and he said he is going to Uman – he’s sure that this year, most of the travelers will not tour other religious sites or places in Ukraine.

Three sets of three-day Yomim Tovim can seem overwhelming – especially when we are trying to stay healthy.

Is a missed opportunity to do a mitzvah considered a sin?

The sounds and scents of the kitchen are cozy, familiar, but loud in the silence.

Everyone has a weakness. For some people it is the inability to walk past a sales rack without dropping a few hundred dollars. For others, it’s the inability to keep their house organized.

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

His entire life was dedicated to Torah and he became a pivotal figure in the transmittal of the Oral Torah to the next generation.

When you don’t have anyone else to turn to… that’s when you’re tied to Hashem the closest.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-092614

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

Respler-091214

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

I recently met a wonderful woman who writes poetry. With her permission, I am sharing a poem she wrote about time.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

A prominent shadchan recently articulated a dilemma she’s facing.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/dear-dr-yael/2012/01/12/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: