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June 19, 2013 / 11 Tammuz, 5773
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Easing The Trauma Of Divorce

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The first area we need to work on is improving shalom bayis, since for the branches (our children) to grow the tree trunk must be strong. Yet, in the event of, chas v’shalom, a divorce, parents must always speak positively about one another. This entails not speaking negatively to the children about the other and teaching the children to respect both parents. A child should never feel guilty for loving and respecting his or her parent.

On a positive note, my friend has a daughter who is very happily married to a young man from a divorced home. My friend told me that it was the best possible divorce situation. Both parents remarried and had a wonderful relationship with their son, as well as an amicable relationship with each other. The couple felt like they had three loving sets of parents.

We should all learn from this couple who, despite their divorce, was able to raise amazing children. They were able to do this by instilling in their children devotion to and love of both parents and stepparents.

I wish you hatzlachah in your difficult situation, and I appreciate the fact that you’re sharing your views with readers of The Jewish Press. Hopefully it will serve to sensitize the community to not use innocent children as pawns in messy circumstances. Instead, we need to always act lovingly towards our children and make them feel secure – in spite of the divorce.

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Due to her family situation, it is understandable that she will have more responsibilities than other girls her age, but she would benefit from having some free time and receiving more appreciation for her hard work.

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Dear Dr. Yael:

My husband and I are married for three years and want to have children. Thus I’m undergoing fertility treatment, and gaining weight as a result.

At a wedding I recently attended, everyone was looking at my stomach. Someone actually approached me and said, smiling, “I see that you put on some weight, so when is the baby due?”

I read the May 10 letter in your column from H.S. (Depression: Not A Hopeless Malady) regarding her husband’s rabbi’s view about depression, and your response to it.

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

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