web analytics
April 18, 2014 / 18 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



Enjoying A Simcha To The Fullest

Respler-Yael

Share Button

Dear Readers:

After making a wedding for our son this summer, I wish to share with you some insights into the challenges of being a ba’al simcha.  This experience has helped me realize that I have acted in ways which are inconsiderate toward ba’alei simcha. While they were never intentional, my actions were nonetheless inconsiderate.

Let us begin with the invitations. A ba’al simcha’s first priority is to not hurt anyone’s feelings. Though you want to invite those deserving to partake in the simcha, you’re not always sure who should be invited. Some people would probably be happy to not be invited either because of the cost in money or time.

After the final invitation list is determined comes the process of counting the responses. It’s always important for an invitee to respond in a timely way. Even if the invitee responds that he or she cannot attend, it is always more respectful (and helpful to the persons making the simcha) to answer “no” than to not respond at all. Besides, from a practical standpoint, the invitee must be sensitive to the fact that the ba’alei simcha need to give an accurate number of attendees to the caterer, and not getting a reply forces them to sit and make phone calls – a time luxury that the ba’alei simcha may not have. The non-repliers might also inadvertently cost the ba’alei simcha added expenditures, since many hosts end up making seats for the non-responders out of fear of offending them if they decide to show up. Thus rule #1: answering “no” is better than not responding at all.

Rule #2: Everyone should realize that there is much stress in planning a wedding, and that it is only fair to remember that most mistakes are unintentional. So cut the ba’alei simcha some slack by understanding that with so many people involved in a simcha, some things may simply fall through the cracks – and that malice is almost never intended. Most ba’alei simcha feel very overwhelmed and try to appease everyone involved. Thus, a potential invitee should not get insulted if he or she did not make the final guest list and an invitee should not get insulted if his or her invitation arrived late.

Rule #3: Attendees should find a place to sit if left out of the seating plan. It’s tempting to become chassidish and let everyone sit where they want! But seriously, in the litvish world seating cards are mandatory. So if your seating card did not get printed, unassumingly find a place to sit, ask a waiter to put an extra chair at the table of your choice – and never mention any of this to the ba’alei simcha. Acting in this fashion is a great chesed to the ba’alei simcha, and although you may feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, most people will be happy to have you join them at the table.

After my son’s wedding, I thought about all the people I should have called to tell them about the wedding in order to give them the opportunity to attend the chuppah or the simchas chassan v’kallah. All of these people are dear to me, but with all of the tumult surrounding the planning, I forgot to call them. Of course I felt terrible afterward, but it was too late to change anything.

I cannot stress often enough that everyone should recognize that ba’alei simcha do not intend to slight or hurt anyone. Most of the time, they are just inundated with details. If all of us recognize that any oversights or unintended slights are just that, a huge step toward practicing ahavas Yisrael would be taken. The nicest thing anyone has ever done was the woman who came to the wedding and extended a mazal tov despite not having been invited. She said to me, “I was so happy for you, Yael, that I just came to wish you a mazal tov.” This was indeed special, as it was a pleasure to see and share my happiness with her.

I wish all my Jewish Press readers a blessed year. May all of our tefillos be answered l’tovah and may all of us have the zechus to make many smachos in the coming year. And may we all be dan lekaf zechus regarding other people’s unintended shortcomings. With the ahavas Yisrael that will come about as a result of everyone being dan lekaf zechus toward others, we should be zocheh to deserve the arrival of Mashiach bimheirah beyameinu!

Share Button

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “Enjoying A Simcha To The Fullest”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
FBI Wanted poster for Osama bin Laden
Pakistan Library Renamed to Honor bin Laden
Latest Sections Stories
Schonfeld-logo1

Regardless of age, parents play an important role in their children’s lives.

Marriage-Relationship-logo

We peel away one layer after the next, our eyes tear up and it becomes harder and harder to see as we get closer to our innermost insecurities and fears.

Gorsky-041814-Torah

Some Mountain Jews believe they are descendents of the Ten Lost Tribes and were exiled to Azerbaijan and Dagestan by Sancheriv.

Baim-041814-Piggy

Yom Tov is about spending time with your family. And while for some families the big once-in-a-lifetime experience is great, for others something low key is the way to go.

A fascinating glimpse into the rich complexity of medieval Jewish life and its contemporary relevance had intriguingly emerged.

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

The plan’s goal is to provide supportive housing to 200 individuals with disabilities by the year 2020.

Despite being one of the fastest-growing Jewish communities in the U.S. – the estimated Jewish population is 70-80,000 – Las Vegas has long been overlooked by much of the Torah world.

She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.

While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

Alternative assessments are an extremely important part of understanding what students know beyond the scope of tests and quizzes.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-041814

Dear Dr. Yael:

My heart is breaking; my husband’s friend has gotten divorced. While this type of situation is always sad, here I do believe it could have been avoided.

Respler-041114

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

By employing this new countermove, the scenario will likely change.

I bring the results of this study to demonstrate that although in a frum world we should rise above the gashmius, unfortunately, we still live in a secular world in which we are affected by that gashmius.

It is a shame that when one sincerely wishes to help another person, he or she often must avoid telling the truth.

Dear Anonymous:

Thank you for your amazing letter. I wish you hatzlachah in your new marriage, and may your letter bring more sensitivity to others regarding this issue.

JetBlue flew an empty aircraft from Boston to JFK to assist us. The care and concern of the flight attendants was amazing. They were astounded by our group, so much so that at the end of the flight, the captain related for all to hear that he was truly impressed by the care that the HASC counselors provided for the special-needs campers – all of whom have physical, mental, or emotional disabilities. We did our best to demonstrate a true kiddush Hashem.

I had a great figure and dressed well, but the only thing wrong with me was that I had a very long nose with a huge bump.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/enjoying-a-simcha-to-the-fullest/2013/09/18/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: