web analytics
August 5, 2015 / 20 Av, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


For Better Or Worse – Or Bailing Out


Respler-011113

Dear Dr. Yael:

A few years ago, our family went through a very traumatic period of time when my wife was diagnosed with a brain aneurism. She has suffered through so much pain and rehabilitation, and things have not returned to normal.

My wife is unable to take care of our two children. While her mind is clear, Baruch Hashem, her physical disabilities make it difficult for her to manage on her own. For that reason we have moved in with my parents. My wife’s parents live out of town and have been helping us financially. However, it has been very hard my wife to rely on an aide and know that cannot function as a mother.

While her medical condition is improving, she is so depressed that she actually begs me to leave her, give her a get, and marry a healthy woman who can raise our children. I am not interested in doing that. I still love my wife and I believe that marriage is for better or worse. I also know that these are her insecurities talking, and that she really wants us to stay together.

My wife still has some lingering physical and cognitive impairments, such as short-term memory problems, but she can be a loving and caring mother and deserves the chance to have a relationship with her children. Although my parents help us, they think I should give her a get and unlimited visitation rights. It upsets me greatly that people, even my parents, think this way and feel I should find a way to just move on.

Dr. Yael, how can I best help my wife? I want to stay with her and raise our children together. How can I get her and my family to accept that? I understand that she cannot take care of our children on her own and I am willing to help her in any and every way – but she needs to change her mental attitude for us to have a chance to succeed.

I feel so alone. I hope that by sending this letter I can help people understand that a disability does not prevent someone from being a good parent. No one should have to endure the emotional suffering that my wife has been forced to experience, especially after all of the gains and progress that she has made.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to stand up for my wife. I hope that you can help me find a way to reach her and my parents.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

It is heartbreaking to hear of the pain and suffering your family has been experiencing.

It seems as if your wife needs some professional help to understand that she can most surely be a good parent. She also needs to gain the emotional strength to rise to the occasion.

You can begin by telling her that research has shown that parents with a physical disability can raise children who, by witnessing the challenges the adults in their life endure, are more caring and have a deeper understanding of life and its difficulties than children with non-disabled parents. In many situations these children develop skills and qualities lacking in other children. Perhaps it’s the awareness of the hardship that helps them learn the art of giving, while appreciating the need to help with family chores – as well as valuing and understanding the importance of acting responsibly.

Similarly, anyone with a disabled child can attest that in most cases their families have been changed for the better. The siblings and parents of a disabled child become more caring and sensitive toward others and often develop important traits that they otherwise may never have learned. Of course, being a disabled parent comes with its own challenges and hardships, but please know that with some physical assistance, your wife can likely instill a lot of positive qualities into your children.

The fact that your wife is not a single parent means that most of the disadvantages of her disability will not apply to her child-rearing abilities. Your children will not have to fend for themselves while with her because of your stated willingness to assist her or hire someone to help her with all child-rearing tasks. The problem may be that you are living with your parents, and although they seem to be very helpful physically, they may be hurting your wife emotionally. If your wife’s parents are supportive financially, it may be a good idea to get the best (preferably frum) nanny available for your children when you are at work. This can go a long way in helping to ease your wife’s depression.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Respler will be on 102.1 FM at 10:00 pm Sunday evenings after Country Yossi.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “For Better Or Worse – Or Bailing Out”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Iran's Bushehr nuclear facility.
Nearing Double Digits in the Democrat Defection from Bad Iran Deal
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo

An impressive group of counselors and staff members are providing the boys and girls with a summer of fun and Torah learning and a lifetime of wonderful memories.

South-Florida-logo

Rabbi Sam Intrator recently led a summer program in Williams Island, located in Aventura. The event focused on how to find spiritual joy in Judaism. The rabbi cited biblical and Talmudic teachings, ancient Temple rituals, and the words of prayers to establish the role that love and positive thinking have in Torah values. Rabbi Intrator […]

South-Florida-logo

The Iranian deal was sealed on July 14, four and a half months after Netanyahu’s visit. The details of the agreement were shocking and worse than anyone had imagined.

There are so many toys available for newborn to age 5, but how do you choose?

In 1939, with life getting harder for Jews, she and several friends decided it was time to make aliyah, and applied at the Palestina Amt for permits.

I am not sure how many of you readers have had this experience, but I did and it truly tested the limits of my sanity!

Aside from my own 485-page tome on the subject, Red Army, I think Jamie Glazov did an excellent job at framing things in United in Hate: The Left’s Romance with Tyranny and Terror.

We studied his seforim together, we listened to famous cantorial masters and we spoke of his illustrious yichus, his pedigree, dating back to the famous commentator, Rashi.

Jews who were considered, but not ultimately selected, include Woody Allen, Saul Bellow, David Ben-Gurion, Marc Chagall, Anne Frank, and Barbra Streisand.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler

Why should any girl deserve to end up with a guy who can’t even think straight?

Women don’t often realize they are being abused, especially if the abuse is emotional rather than physical.

My children encouraged me to date and even set me up with a very special man.

It is very hard to build a healthy marriage when you do not have good role models.

When they all try to speak at once, I will ask them to stop and speak one at a time.

In America one has to either be very rich or impoverished to receive care – the middle class seems to get taken advantage of.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/for-better-or-worse-or-bailing-out/2013/01/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: