web analytics
March 1, 2015 / 10 Adar , 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


For Better Or Worse – Or Bailing Out


Respler-011113

Dear Dr. Yael:

A few years ago, our family went through a very traumatic period of time when my wife was diagnosed with a brain aneurism. She has suffered through so much pain and rehabilitation, and things have not returned to normal.

My wife is unable to take care of our two children. While her mind is clear, Baruch Hashem, her physical disabilities make it difficult for her to manage on her own. For that reason we have moved in with my parents. My wife’s parents live out of town and have been helping us financially. However, it has been very hard my wife to rely on an aide and know that cannot function as a mother.

While her medical condition is improving, she is so depressed that she actually begs me to leave her, give her a get, and marry a healthy woman who can raise our children. I am not interested in doing that. I still love my wife and I believe that marriage is for better or worse. I also know that these are her insecurities talking, and that she really wants us to stay together.

My wife still has some lingering physical and cognitive impairments, such as short-term memory problems, but she can be a loving and caring mother and deserves the chance to have a relationship with her children. Although my parents help us, they think I should give her a get and unlimited visitation rights. It upsets me greatly that people, even my parents, think this way and feel I should find a way to just move on.

Dr. Yael, how can I best help my wife? I want to stay with her and raise our children together. How can I get her and my family to accept that? I understand that she cannot take care of our children on her own and I am willing to help her in any and every way – but she needs to change her mental attitude for us to have a chance to succeed.

I feel so alone. I hope that by sending this letter I can help people understand that a disability does not prevent someone from being a good parent. No one should have to endure the emotional suffering that my wife has been forced to experience, especially after all of the gains and progress that she has made.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to stand up for my wife. I hope that you can help me find a way to reach her and my parents.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

It is heartbreaking to hear of the pain and suffering your family has been experiencing.

It seems as if your wife needs some professional help to understand that she can most surely be a good parent. She also needs to gain the emotional strength to rise to the occasion.

You can begin by telling her that research has shown that parents with a physical disability can raise children who, by witnessing the challenges the adults in their life endure, are more caring and have a deeper understanding of life and its difficulties than children with non-disabled parents. In many situations these children develop skills and qualities lacking in other children. Perhaps it’s the awareness of the hardship that helps them learn the art of giving, while appreciating the need to help with family chores – as well as valuing and understanding the importance of acting responsibly.

Similarly, anyone with a disabled child can attest that in most cases their families have been changed for the better. The siblings and parents of a disabled child become more caring and sensitive toward others and often develop important traits that they otherwise may never have learned. Of course, being a disabled parent comes with its own challenges and hardships, but please know that with some physical assistance, your wife can likely instill a lot of positive qualities into your children.

The fact that your wife is not a single parent means that most of the disadvantages of her disability will not apply to her child-rearing abilities. Your children will not have to fend for themselves while with her because of your stated willingness to assist her or hire someone to help her with all child-rearing tasks. The problem may be that you are living with your parents, and although they seem to be very helpful physically, they may be hurting your wife emotionally. If your wife’s parents are supportive financially, it may be a good idea to get the best (preferably frum) nanny available for your children when you are at work. This can go a long way in helping to ease your wife’s depression.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “For Better Or Worse – Or Bailing Out”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his wife at Ben Gurion Airport as they depart for the US on March 1, 2015, ahead of Netanyahu's speech on Tuesday, before a joint session of Congress.
Netanyahu’s Speech to Congress – Blocked from U.S. Prime Time, Perfect for Israel
Latest Sections Stories
Golan Wine Medals

‘Double Gold’ awarded to 2012 Yarden Heights wine & 2011 Yarden Merlot Kela Single Vineyard.

Niehaus-022715

One should not give the money before Purim morning or after sunset.

Mendlowitz-022715-Basket

The mishloach manos of times gone by were sometimes simple and sometimes elaborate, but the main focus was on the preparation of the delicious food they contained.

Astaire-022715-Countryside

One of the earliest special Purims we have on record was celebrated by the Jews of Granada and Shmuel HaNagid, the eleventh-century rav, poet, soldier and statesman, and one of the most influential Jews in Muslim Spain.

Jews, wake up! Stop educating the world and start educating yourselves.

The lessons conform to the sensitivities and needs of the Orthodox community…

The program took on special significance as it marked not only the first anniversary of Rebbetzin Kudan’s levayah but also the 27th yahrzeit of Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson, a”h.

It captures the love of the Jewish soul as only Shlomo Hamelech could portray it – and as only Rabbi Miller could explain it.

Erudite and academic, drawing from ancient and modern sources, the book can be discussed at the Shabbos table as well as in kollel.

I’m here to sit next to you and help you through this Purim with three almost-too-easy mishloach manot ideas, all made with cost-conscious paper bags.

Kids want to be like their friends, and they want to give and get “normal” mishloach manos stocked with store-bought treats.

Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.

“OMG, it’s so cute, you’re so cute, everything is so cute.”

A program that started with a handful of volunteers has grown exponentially to include students from a wider array of backgrounds.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-022015

Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.

Respler-021315

She says that they are our children and since she brings in half, or sometimes more than half of our parnassah, we need to be full partners in their chinuch.

I surprise my wife with gifts, large and small.

They are like children keeping count of who changed how many diapers each day.

I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that.

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

The Moroccan wife’s chief pride is showing that she ought to win the prize for the most attentive and solicitous spouse and mother.

Both parties need to become more tolerant of one another.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/for-better-or-worse-or-bailing-out/2013/01/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: