web analytics
December 21, 2014 / 29 Kislev, 5775
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
8000 meals Celebrate Eight Days of Chanukah – With 8,000 Free Meals Daily to Israel’s Poor

Join Meir Panim’s campaign to “light up” Chanukah for families in need.



For Better Or Worse – Or Bailing Out


Respler-011113

Dear Dr. Yael:

A few years ago, our family went through a very traumatic period of time when my wife was diagnosed with a brain aneurism. She has suffered through so much pain and rehabilitation, and things have not returned to normal.

My wife is unable to take care of our two children. While her mind is clear, Baruch Hashem, her physical disabilities make it difficult for her to manage on her own. For that reason we have moved in with my parents. My wife’s parents live out of town and have been helping us financially. However, it has been very hard my wife to rely on an aide and know that cannot function as a mother.

While her medical condition is improving, she is so depressed that she actually begs me to leave her, give her a get, and marry a healthy woman who can raise our children. I am not interested in doing that. I still love my wife and I believe that marriage is for better or worse. I also know that these are her insecurities talking, and that she really wants us to stay together.

My wife still has some lingering physical and cognitive impairments, such as short-term memory problems, but she can be a loving and caring mother and deserves the chance to have a relationship with her children. Although my parents help us, they think I should give her a get and unlimited visitation rights. It upsets me greatly that people, even my parents, think this way and feel I should find a way to just move on.

Dr. Yael, how can I best help my wife? I want to stay with her and raise our children together. How can I get her and my family to accept that? I understand that she cannot take care of our children on her own and I am willing to help her in any and every way – but she needs to change her mental attitude for us to have a chance to succeed.

I feel so alone. I hope that by sending this letter I can help people understand that a disability does not prevent someone from being a good parent. No one should have to endure the emotional suffering that my wife has been forced to experience, especially after all of the gains and progress that she has made.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to stand up for my wife. I hope that you can help me find a way to reach her and my parents.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

It is heartbreaking to hear of the pain and suffering your family has been experiencing.

It seems as if your wife needs some professional help to understand that she can most surely be a good parent. She also needs to gain the emotional strength to rise to the occasion.

You can begin by telling her that research has shown that parents with a physical disability can raise children who, by witnessing the challenges the adults in their life endure, are more caring and have a deeper understanding of life and its difficulties than children with non-disabled parents. In many situations these children develop skills and qualities lacking in other children. Perhaps it’s the awareness of the hardship that helps them learn the art of giving, while appreciating the need to help with family chores – as well as valuing and understanding the importance of acting responsibly.

Similarly, anyone with a disabled child can attest that in most cases their families have been changed for the better. The siblings and parents of a disabled child become more caring and sensitive toward others and often develop important traits that they otherwise may never have learned. Of course, being a disabled parent comes with its own challenges and hardships, but please know that with some physical assistance, your wife can likely instill a lot of positive qualities into your children.

The fact that your wife is not a single parent means that most of the disadvantages of her disability will not apply to her child-rearing abilities. Your children will not have to fend for themselves while with her because of your stated willingness to assist her or hire someone to help her with all child-rearing tasks. The problem may be that you are living with your parents, and although they seem to be very helpful physically, they may be hurting your wife emotionally. If your wife’s parents are supportive financially, it may be a good idea to get the best (preferably frum) nanny available for your children when you are at work. This can go a long way in helping to ease your wife’s depression.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “For Better Or Worse – Or Bailing Out”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
funny rocket joke
Israel Retaliates: Hits Terror Tunnel Cement Factory
Latest Sections Stories
Games-121914

Here are examples of games that need to be played by more than one person and an added bonus: they’re all Shabbos-friendly.

South-Florida-logo

The incident was completely unforeseeable. The only term to describe the set of circumstances surrounding it is “freak occurrence.”

South-Florida-logo

The first Chabad Center in Broward County, Chabad of South Broward, now runs nearly fifty programs and agencies. T

The NHS was also honored to have Bob Diener as keynote speaker.

Written with flowing language and engaging style, Attar weaves a spell that combines mystery, humor, adventure and Kabbalah in the most magical place in the world, the Old City of erusalem.

There are those who highlight the diversity of these different teachings, seeing each rebbe as teaching a separate path.

Rav Dynovisz will be speaking in Hebrew on Wednesday, January 7, at 7:30 p.m.

Rabbi Simeon Schreiber, senior chaplain at Mount Sinai Medical Center in Miami Beach, saw a small room in the hospital that was dark and dismal but could be used for Sabbath guests.

“The secret to a good donut is using quality ingredients and the ability to be patient and give them time to proof.”

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

The Liberty Bell is a symbol of American Independence.

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

Try these with your kids; there’s something for every age group and once all the recipes are made, dinner will be ready!

You children will build the country and you will help restore Israel to her former glory.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-logo-NEW

I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons.

Respler-logo-NEW

Isn’t there anyone making a simcha who understands that loud music can cause hearing loss?

My mother thinks of herself as a superior person, has very little feelings for other people, and probably suffers from a deep lack of self-esteem.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

There are many people today with very little training who put out shingles and proclaim themselves to be marital coaches, shalom bayis helpers, advisers etc.

When one marries someone with children, all family members must accept them.

My mother-in-law is totally devoted to her daughters and their children. Her sons’ children on the other hand are treated like second-class citizens.

How can I help my wife learn to say “no,” and understand that her first priority must be her husband and family?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/for-better-or-worse-or-bailing-out/2013/01/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: