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May 24, 2013 /15 Sivan, 5773
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The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Forgiven But Not Forgotten


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Herskowitz-Moishe

There is something about an approaching wedding that can cause a state of emotional upheaval. This should be of no surprise. In most cases, marriage reflects two sets of personalities; the chassan’s and the kallah’s. The parents too are involved. They produce a relationship that is more than the sum total of themselves. This relationship includes their family, and yet a separation is about to take place for both parent and child.

In working with many couples, I find that one parent or sometimes both sets of parents cannot adjust to the “loss” of their child. They may accept the union at the conscious level, but not at the unconscious level. As a result, communication misunderstandings between the future in-laws begin to develop. Statements like “who pays for what?” and “you promised this!” become heated discussions for both the couple and the parents. Parents frequently ventilate their dissatisfactions to their children in hopes for some support, which makes the separation so much more difficult.

But in time, parents do achieve a degree of detachment and adjustment and all is forgiven. But for the chassan and kallah, all is not forgotten.

As Rabbi Shmuel Dishon, shlita, states “the engaged couple is sensitive to the environment and people around them.”

What the chassan and kallah had hoped for was an affectionate alliance between families. But what they got was years of resentment towards their in-laws.

Pre-marital counseling helps prevent misunderstandings. The couple understands themselves and their partner’s family so that issues of the past do not become issues for the future.

When I met with Rav Pam, zt”l, regarding pre-marital counseling at CPC, he stated that this program should be an extension of every chassan and kallah class.

Moishe Herskowitz MS., CSW, is a marriage counselor and maintains his private practice in Brooklyn as founder of CPC. He is an educator, lecturer, consultant and adjunct professor at Touro College. He is the counseling coordinator for Career Services at Touro College and the At Risk Center in Brooklyn. Moishe is presently working as a licensed guidance counselor for the NYC Board of Ed. in Special Education.

For more information or to obtain a free brochure, please contact Moishe Herskowitz at 435-7388 or at Ladino23@aol.com.

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More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

Herskowitz-Moishe

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Traumatic events are typically unexpected, and uncontrollable. If in the past a person experienced a traumatizing event – even if it’s been long forgotten – the brain will remind them of that time, should something similar take place. Memories to traumatic occurrences lie dormant in the recesses of subconscious memories.

A few years ago I was invited to be a guest on a talk show. An interesting question came up from a young man who wanted some information on the topic of in-laws. He wanted to know if I had ever known of a couple divorcing because of their in-laws. My response was that although divorced people may blame the in-laws for the marriage failure, in most cases this does not happen directly, but indirectly- YES!

The ability to maintain a pleasant and peaceful relationship with in-laws is of the greatest importance for the young couple entering marriage. The more you understand the in-law relationship, the more likely you will achieve happiness in marriage.

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Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/forgiven-but-not-forgotten/2003/05/14/

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