web analytics
July 24, 2014 / 26 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Help! I Am Losing Sleep!


Respler-122311

Dear Dr. Yael: My husband recently started davening in a vasikin (sunrise) minyan. Our problem is that I am a light sleeper, and he sleeps right through his alarm. I realize that while he is not trying to be cruel by intentionally leaving on his radio in the middle of the night just to hear what is going on in the world, my patience is extremely thin at 4 a.m. We have tried a few vibrating alarms, but they have not been enough to wake him. It always comes back to the radio blasting at 4 a.m. Even when sunrise is later, he sets the alarm earlier because he knows it doesn’t wake him right away. Then the alarm wakes me up and I can’t get back to sleep. When I ask him to shut the radio, he tells me he is getting up, hits the snooze and falls right back to sleep. When he finally gets up, he does not move around quietly. I am forced to listen to drawers and cabinets opening and closing. Making matters worse are the nights when his noise wakes the baby!

I have tried to discuss this with him during the day but we always come back to square one. He needs his alarm to wake up, the vibrating alarms don’t work, and he won’t go to a later minyan. When I tell him that he is robbing me of much-needed sleep, it falls on deaf ears. I feel that davening vasikin at the expense of shalom bayis is no mitzvah at all. Many days I walk around with a headache, angry with him for doing this to me. I find myself snapping at the kids when I shouldn’t – but I am just so tired. I simply can’t take it anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. A Sleep-Deprived Wife  

Dear Sleep-Deprived Wife: The easy answer to your tough predicament is to tell your husband that he cannot continue to do this to you, and that he needs to daven in a later minyan. However, I am not a rav and thus cannot give you such a response. Furthermore, your husband seems pretty adamant about davening in a vasikin minyan, so the obvious answer is not so simple.

The first, and most practical, thing to do is to seek advice from your husband’s rav as to what you should do. If he suggests that your husband should continue to daven in the vasikin minyan, you could, in the meantime, change some of the physical constraints that are impeding your sleep. Begin by inquiring whether your husband can get dressed in a different room so that he will not continue to wake you up. He can put all of the things (clothes, shoes, etc.) he needs for the next morning in another room before he goes to sleep, so that you will not hear him moving around. Perhaps he can also purchase an alarm clock that makes enough noise to awaken him, but not something loud and annoying. The Kosher Clock (an alarm clock that is used by many people on Shabbos because it does not require a snooze button) is loud enough to wake one up, but is not as annoying as other alarm clocks.

Maybe you can wear earplugs to sleep, so that you will not hear the alarm clock. And if your husband insists on arising for vasikin – which forces him to get up early anyway – he could get up a bit earlier if he hears the baby or he could let you know if the baby is crying. Another idea is for you to keep the alarm clock farther away from where you sleep so that you will not hear it as loudly as you do now. This will compel your husband to get up to shut it off, making it less likely that he will go back to sleep.

It would be helpful for the two of you to have a calm conversation about this at a time when you are not feeling frustrated or angry (maybe on a Motzaei Shabbos, when you are not as sleep-deprived).

You can tell your husband that you love him very much and do not want to fight about this situation. Then you can raise the idea of asking his rav for guidance, as this is becoming a big tircha for you and is affecting your ability to be a good wife and mother. You can express that while you understand the big zechus of davening vasikin, you would really appreciate his understanding of how hard this is for you and to please make as many accommodations for you as possible. Try not to put your husband on the defensive because that is generally not effective. Use the “I feel…” messages, i.e. “I feel badly that you are not taking my feelings into account” instead of using statements of blame, i.e. “You are being unfair to me.” Also, consider using neutral statements like “I need to sleep so I can be a good mother and wife. I am feeling very frustrated and angry because I am not getting enough sleep.” While both statements may be true, the first will likely lead to an argument while the second gets your point across in a non-judgmental manner.

This conversation will probably be more successful if you stay away from the blame game and try to stick to the problem at hand. Getting nowhere is not an option because you need to get sleep in order to function properly. You did not mention your daytime schedule, so I am not sure that the idea of napping during the day is an option. Maybe your husband is willing to pay for a babysitter, so you can get some much- needed sleep in the morning when the kids are in school. Or perhaps you can sleep in, and have your husband or a helper get the children off to school in the morning. If you have no choice regarding the vasikin minyan, you need to look into other, feasible time periods to sleep. Can you go to sleep earlier? If you work, can you sleep for an hour or so when you get home? None of these possibilities are foolproof solutions, but if your husband will continue to daven vasikin, he needs to understand that he should be flexible with you and make sure that you either do not get woken up when he does or you get the opportunity to make up some of that sleep at another time. Either way, remember that you will gain much more with a calm voice and with the aforementioned “I feel…” messages. Hatzlachah!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Help! I Am Losing Sleep!”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
UNRWA bags once had wheat -- Hamas now uses them to hide evidence of digging. Where did they get them ... Friends of the IDF photo - FB
Netanyahu Regrets Gaza Casualties, But Operation Continues
Latest Sections Stories
book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

book-I-Kings

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

book-Unify-A-Nation

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

“Have you forgotten your dreams?” The Hope Merchant asks a defeated and hopeless Lily when she “happens” upon his shop.

The universe was created by God out of nothing; it has not always existed.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-071814

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Respler-071114

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

In my experience, modern schools tend to be more open-minded toward other flavors of Judaism.

I was called to the principal’s office and shown a picture my daughter had drawn.

“Where was this guy when I was dating?”

We must be honest about whether this shidduch “crisis” is self-made, and how much of it is really a crisis at all.

Being a teacher requires more than just knowing the material.

She compares me to her romance “heroes,” and I seem to always fall short of her expectations.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/help-i-am-losing-sleep/2011/12/22/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: