As a marriage counselor I find that couples often make the mistake of thinking that the healing process will only take place if they take, and as a result they never seem to get what they want. In every marriage, some healing and growth must take place. This healing and growth is only possible if a couple is willing to work through these stages of love as a team.
Some of the properties that Romantic love has to offer is that it numbs you, and makes you feel better than you ever felt before. Even if you are programmed to take, in the Romantic stage you will have no problem giving. Yet please keep in mind that in time, this love stage will start to wear off, and this is what has happened to the both of you. As a married couple this is a very scary stage, because for many couples like you, there is a time lapse of when the Romantic stage ends and the Acquired stage begins. Your husband does love you but he feels trapped between both stages of love, and does not know what to do! He is afraid to go forward and has chosen to return to never-never land, which no longer exists.
Your husband is lost in the love journey and yearns for the anesthesia he once knew when you first dated and, wants the Romantic stage back right now! This is where he believes he was most happy – and he was – but like a drug, it’s a temporary fix, or a short-term solution, while marriage is a long-term commitment.
Let’s now address the next stage called Acquired love. This means loving your partner the way he/she want to be loved, not the way you want to love him/her. This is the re-programming stage of unconditional love that many couples find very difficult, because you have to place your partner’s needs before your own, and give as you have never given before. Guess what- Chazal tells us that the man must be the one to start the process of giving, not the woman! As a couple, you need to be willing and able to do this ASAP so that you can break free from this stage and move onto the next stage where the Shechina rests. This way you can have the best marriage possible.
Moishe Herskowitz will be speaking at Binyan Adai Ad. For more information call 1-718-419-6366.
Moishe Herskowitz MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples – helping them to communicate effectively and fully appreciate each other. As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he developed this breakthrough seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. Moishe Herskowitz holds a certificate from the Brooklyn Institute for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in couples and marriage therapy. He is an active member of the New York Counseling Association for marriage and family counseling.
T.E.A.M. is endorsed by many prominent Rabbanim, including Rav Pam zt”l, Rav Belsky, Rav Dovid Goldwasser, Rav Herbst, Rav Lehrfield, Rabbi Pikus, Rav Ralbag. If there are any topics you would like me to discuss in my articles, or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at CPCMoishe@aol.com or at 718-435-7388. You can also log on to CPCTEAM.org to download past articles and for more information about the T.E.A.M. approach.