web analytics
July 24, 2014 / 26 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Improving The In-Law Relationship

Respler-070513

Dear Dr. Yael:

My in-laws have a wonderful reputation in our community. They are looked upon as truly charitable and giving people. However, charity should begin at home. My in-laws never helped us financially, even when approached gracefully and tactfully. But they often give generously to their shul’s tzedakah funds, among other charities – as long as the public recognizes their contributions.

Baruch Hashem, we have six beautiful, frum children. But they are not my in-laws’ favorite grandchildren; their daughter’s children are. My children are constantly berated by my in-laws, both in front of and behind their backs – even though they are great children. On the other hand, I never hear anything bad about their daughter’s children, even though one is off the derech and another dropped out of school.

My in-laws feel they deserve all the respect in the world from all of us, but give nothing of themselves in return. They make cowardly excuses for not attending milestone events in our children’s lives. For example, they did not attend either our daughter’s bas mitzvah or her high school graduation. And this year, be’ezras Hashem, three of our children will graduate from various schools. While my in-laws chose to attend their favorite granddaughter’s graduation, they are planning to travel out of the country to attend their neighbors’ daughter’s wedding at the time of our family’s smachot.

All this is very painful to us. Not only does it hurt us as parents, but it also does irreparable damage to their grandchildren.

I write this letter with great hurt and a heavy heart. It is probably too late for my in-laws to undo the damage that has been done, but perhaps it will enlighten others to think before they cause such grief to their children and grandchildren.

Thank you in advance for reading my letter. Hopefully, you will address my situation.

Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld:

I hear your pain and realize that whatever my answer, it cannot possibly repair the damage that’s been caused in your relationship with your in-laws, whose side of the story I have not heard.

The in-law relationship is generally a challenging one, and many find that there is a closer relationship between grandchildren and the parents of their mother. This is certainly dependent, in large measure, on the personalities of the in-laws and the manner in which the children treat them. I know many people whose children are closer to their paternal grandparents because of more interest, more availability, and the fact that they live closer to them.

I hope that you accord your in-laws kibud av va’eim. However, it appears that your pain is deep and that the constant rejection must be difficult for you, your spouse, and your children. Have you attempted to engage outside intervention, such as a rav or therapist, to try to address these issues with your in-laws in a respectful manner? Do your in-laws feel so secure with your children, because they are frum, and feel a greater need to be more involved with their other grandchildren who may be struggling with various issues? As the saying goes: “The squeaky wheel gets more grease”; namely, parents sometimes make the mistake of giving more attention to the children they feel have more problems. Just thinking about your situation differently may make you less angry and hurt, which will enable you to speak about your feelings without getting into a fight.

If you show your in-laws this letter and attempt to speak to them in a respectful manner about the pain that you are experiencing, perhaps a healing process may begin. Is it possible they don’t realize they are hurting you and that they don’t consciously behave this way to cause you pain? Do they feel comfortable when they are with you and your family, or do they feel unwanted in any way? Outside help will likely help you address all these distressing issues.

I invite Jewish Press readers to share their ideas on how to solve this difficult situation. Hearing from in-laws might shed some much-needed light.

I receive many letters from in-law children who feel slighted or unloved. Difficulties in relationships often arise because of a misunderstanding. When one feels hurt, one acts in a cool or upset manner, which may be misinterpreted by the other party as a slight. This scenario is the first crack in a relationship. If one of the parties has the strength to address this “crack” in a helpful and calm manner, the issue is likely resolvable in a quick and almost painless fashion. However, both parties all too often feel wronged and hurt, and the relationship begins to deteriorate. While these types of misunderstandings are so easy to fix, someone must be emotionally strong enough to do so.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Improving The In-Law Relationship”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Shimon Peres meets with the family of fallen IDF soldier Max Steinberg.
Four Notes on The Situation
Latest Sections Stories
Singer-072514

On his marriage, he wrote: “This is what I believe: something of the core, of the essence of this meaningful and life-affirming Judaism will not be absent from our home” (1882).

With the recent kidnapping by the Hamas and the barbaric murder of three children – Gilad Shaar, Eyal Yifrach and Naftali Frankel, we believe that the best answer to honor the memory of those murdered is to continue building those very communities – large and small – that our enemies are trying to destroy.

book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-071814

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Respler-071114

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

In my experience, modern schools tend to be more open-minded toward other flavors of Judaism.

I was called to the principal’s office and shown a picture my daughter had drawn.

“Where was this guy when I was dating?”

We must be honest about whether this shidduch “crisis” is self-made, and how much of it is really a crisis at all.

Being a teacher requires more than just knowing the material.

She compares me to her romance “heroes,” and I seem to always fall short of her expectations.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/improving-the-in-law-relationship/2013/07/05/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: