web analytics
October 21, 2014 / 27 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Is It The Frum Woman’s Fault?

Respler-021012

Dear Dr. Respler:

I disagree with the January 27 letter writer, Desperate Single Woman, who wrote that the frum, older singles scene is easier on the men. Well, I am a man who desperately wants to get married and start a family. However, I, like some of my single, older male friends (we are in our 40s), feel that the older singles crisis is the women’s fault. Here’s what I mean:

The men are willing to give relationships a chance, but it’s the women who have the lists and who generally say no to the men.

The female writer cites a 58-year-old wealthy man who married a 40-year-old woman. It may be true that the wealthy and very successful men have many options. However, most of us regular, average-looking men with normal jobs just do not seem to be enough of a catch for these “professional, successful women” who are waiting for Prince Charming to come riding in on a white horse.

This letter was sent to you with the support of many of my friends, who are nice guys but are not so witty or super-confident – guys who make a normal but not-amazing salary. Is it so hard to believe that an average-looking guy who is a nice, caring person would make someone a great husband?

We all loved your answer. Yes, Dr. Respler, she should get her priorities straight. We could not agree with you more! Give the regular, nice guy a chance. He may actually end up being a great, loyal, and devoted husband who will love you and your children.

There are generally a few “superstar” guys who seem to get all the girls and never stick with just one. These guys are good looking, well dressed, witty, and usually are in great professions or have great businesses – and are rich. That is what these women are looking for.

Is this what they need to make them happy? I loved your answer about her need to reexamine her shidduch list and think about whether “Mr. Witty” who needs to be center stage will actually be a great husband. In my experiences, these guys usually do not want to get married and are enjoying playing the field. So the ladies should listen to you and stop looking for “Mr. Rich and Mr. Gorgeous with all the great lines.” Ladies should please give the normal, regular guys a chance – and maybe they will end up with a very happy marriage.

I particularly appreciated your answer to this woman’s complaint that maybe she missed her zivug. Perhaps if she listens to your astute advice, she will not miss the last train and will marry a normal man, have children, and have a great life.

I completely fully agree with you that when a person goes home with a spouse, it is the caring, sweet person who will make him or her happy. Once again, ladies should listen to you; they may be surprised that the regular, nice guy will turn out to be a great husband.

Thank you for your inspiring column. I hope my letter will influence in a positive way the serious singles crisis that I, as a man, believe is the fault of the older frumwomen!

A Man Desperate To Get Married

Dear Desperate: I appreciate your kind words about my column, and hope that your letter may influence people to think out of the box. You are not the first man to express these feelings in regards to this issue.

I have heard your ideas from prominent shadchanim who are desperately trying to alleviate our older, frum singles crisis. They often find that women are focused on meeting a man who has all the external qualities on their list and agree with you that the women are a large part of this crisis.

But to be fair to both men and women, there are many factors that affect the current frum, older shidduch crisis.

These factors are related to issues that effect both genders. Often, the feeling that both waited so long to get married creates a situation whereby they feel that they must impress others with their chosen spouses. They therefore feel that they better marry someone exceptionally good looking, rich, educated, etc. so that all the people around them will say, “Well, she [or he] was worth waiting for.”

In actuality everyone is so immersed in his or her own life and problems that married people will simply be happy that the single person finally decided to get married and settle down. The need to impress others is generally in the older single’s mind, and not really in the minds of those who truly care about the person.

Most married people know that being married is not so simple, and that it can be challenging for all of us. All any caring person or couple wants is to help those they love navigate the single world, find a great match and settle down – with the goal of building a family and a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Is It The Frum Woman’s Fault?”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Steve Emerson, author, journalist and terrorism expert.
Haaretz Smears American Terrorism Expert with Political Hit Job
Latest Sections Stories

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Social disabilities occur at many levels, but experts identify three different areas of learning and behavior that are most common for children who struggle to create lasting social connections.

Sukkot is an eternal time of joy, and if we are worthy, of plenty.

Two of our brothers, Jonathan Pollard and Alan Gross, sit in the pit of captivity. We have a mandate to see that they are freed.

Chabad of South Broward has 15 Chabad Houses in ten cities.

Victor Center works in partnership with healthcare professionals, clergy, and the community to sponsor education programs and college campus out reach.

So just in case you’re stuck in the house this Chol HaMoed – because there’s a new baby or because someone has a cold – not because of anything worse, here are six ideas for family fun at home.

We are told that someone who says that God’s mercy extends to a bird’s nest should be silenced.

Our harps have 22 strings. This gives musicians a wide musical range and yet stays within Biblical parameters.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-101014

It is important for a therapist to focus on a person’s strengths as a way of overcoming his or her difficulties.

Respler-100314

I went to camp for many years. We cleaned our own bunks and did not have air conditioning.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

I recently met a wonderful woman who writes poetry. With her permission, I am sharing a poem she wrote about time.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/is-it-the-frum-womans-fault/2012/02/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: