web analytics
October 2, 2014 / 8 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Is It The Frum Woman’s Fault?

Respler-021012

Dear Dr. Respler:

I disagree with the January 27 letter writer, Desperate Single Woman, who wrote that the frum, older singles scene is easier on the men. Well, I am a man who desperately wants to get married and start a family. However, I, like some of my single, older male friends (we are in our 40s), feel that the older singles crisis is the women’s fault. Here’s what I mean:

The men are willing to give relationships a chance, but it’s the women who have the lists and who generally say no to the men.

The female writer cites a 58-year-old wealthy man who married a 40-year-old woman. It may be true that the wealthy and very successful men have many options. However, most of us regular, average-looking men with normal jobs just do not seem to be enough of a catch for these “professional, successful women” who are waiting for Prince Charming to come riding in on a white horse.

This letter was sent to you with the support of many of my friends, who are nice guys but are not so witty or super-confident – guys who make a normal but not-amazing salary. Is it so hard to believe that an average-looking guy who is a nice, caring person would make someone a great husband?

We all loved your answer. Yes, Dr. Respler, she should get her priorities straight. We could not agree with you more! Give the regular, nice guy a chance. He may actually end up being a great, loyal, and devoted husband who will love you and your children.

There are generally a few “superstar” guys who seem to get all the girls and never stick with just one. These guys are good looking, well dressed, witty, and usually are in great professions or have great businesses – and are rich. That is what these women are looking for.

Is this what they need to make them happy? I loved your answer about her need to reexamine her shidduch list and think about whether “Mr. Witty” who needs to be center stage will actually be a great husband. In my experiences, these guys usually do not want to get married and are enjoying playing the field. So the ladies should listen to you and stop looking for “Mr. Rich and Mr. Gorgeous with all the great lines.” Ladies should please give the normal, regular guys a chance – and maybe they will end up with a very happy marriage.

I particularly appreciated your answer to this woman’s complaint that maybe she missed her zivug. Perhaps if she listens to your astute advice, she will not miss the last train and will marry a normal man, have children, and have a great life.

I completely fully agree with you that when a person goes home with a spouse, it is the caring, sweet person who will make him or her happy. Once again, ladies should listen to you; they may be surprised that the regular, nice guy will turn out to be a great husband.

Thank you for your inspiring column. I hope my letter will influence in a positive way the serious singles crisis that I, as a man, believe is the fault of the older frumwomen!

A Man Desperate To Get Married

Dear Desperate: I appreciate your kind words about my column, and hope that your letter may influence people to think out of the box. You are not the first man to express these feelings in regards to this issue.

I have heard your ideas from prominent shadchanim who are desperately trying to alleviate our older, frum singles crisis. They often find that women are focused on meeting a man who has all the external qualities on their list and agree with you that the women are a large part of this crisis.

But to be fair to both men and women, there are many factors that affect the current frum, older shidduch crisis.

These factors are related to issues that effect both genders. Often, the feeling that both waited so long to get married creates a situation whereby they feel that they must impress others with their chosen spouses. They therefore feel that they better marry someone exceptionally good looking, rich, educated, etc. so that all the people around them will say, “Well, she [or he] was worth waiting for.”

In actuality everyone is so immersed in his or her own life and problems that married people will simply be happy that the single person finally decided to get married and settle down. The need to impress others is generally in the older single’s mind, and not really in the minds of those who truly care about the person.

Most married people know that being married is not so simple, and that it can be challenging for all of us. All any caring person or couple wants is to help those they love navigate the single world, find a great match and settle down – with the goal of building a family and a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Is It The Frum Woman’s Fault?”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Jan Morgan, owner of the Gun Cave Indoor Shooting Range.
Arkansas Shooting Range Declares Itself Muslim-Free Zone’
Latest Sections Stories
Israeli winery

“You want to know what this wine looked like, which wine King David drank, white or red…. We can see if it’s red or white, strong or weak.”

Mindy-092614-Choc-Roll

I should be pursuing plateaus of pure and holy, but I’m busy delving and developing palatable palates instead.

Schonfeld-logo1

Brown argues that this wholehearted living must extend into our parenting.

If we truly honor the other participants in a conversation, we can support, empathize with, and even celebrate their feelings.

I witnessed the true strength of Am Yisrael during those few days.

She writes intuitively, freely, and only afterwards understands the meaning of what she has written.

“I knew it was a great idea, a win-win situation for everyone,” said Burstein.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

For each weekly reading, Rabbi Grysman begins with a synopsis of the Torah portion, followed by a focus on a major issue.

It’s Rosh Hashanah. A new year. Time for a fresh start. Time for a new slate. Time for change.

Governor Rick Scott visited North Miami Beach/Aventura on the morning of Wednesday, September 17.

While the cost per student is higher than mainstream schools, Metzuyan Academy ESE is a priceless educational opportunity for children with special needs in South Florida.

Challah-pa-looza helped get the community ready and excited about the upcoming Jewish New Year.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-092614-In-Laws

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

Respler-092614

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

I recently met a wonderful woman who writes poetry. With her permission, I am sharing a poem she wrote about time.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/is-it-the-frum-womans-fault/2012/02/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: