web analytics
July 23, 2014 / 25 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



It’s Never Too Late

Respler-012712

Dear Dr. Yael:

I love your column, but I’ve read enough about the husband who wants to daven vasikin and the in-laws who feel that their married children do not express hakaras hatov to them. What about addressing the singles who love to read your column and want to read something about relationships? But instead of complaining to you, I would like you to answer my question.

I am a single, attractive woman in her late 30s who is in a good profession. I want to get married and have children, but realize that my biological clock is ticking. While I go out with all different types of men, I find that as I get older the men who are suggested to me seem to be even older. Suddenly a 10-year, or greater, difference (with the man being older) does not seem to faze the shadchanim or anyone who knows me. This includes my married friends, family and others.

It appears to me that it is a man’s world. The men can get it all – especially if they are well off and have a good business or career. Only recently I heard that a 58-year-old man, who was never married, got married to a 40-year-old attractive woman. That is an 18-year difference!

Why do the men have it all? I have even heard of men who were married for almost forty years, had great marriages, experienced the passing of their wives – and then marry women much younger than them. I feel so lost in this single world, and look back at so many opportunities that I passed up because I thought the man was not good enough for me. They all seem to be happily married to other women – with families of their own.

People often blame the parents of the single person, but my wonderful, happily married parents have always loved and supported me. In fact, in my case most of the men I have dated do not seem to measure up to my amazing, financially successful father, who is also a ben Torah and great husband and who I love dearly.

Can someone be too picky because she or he has an incredible father, and parents who have a great marriage?  Do you think I missed my zivug because I compared every man to my father and every relationship to my parents’ marriage? I know that, generally speaking, the reason people have problems getting married is because they had problems concerning their family of origin. However, in my situation I come from a loving home and all my siblings have excellent marriages.

I feel so alone, since I am the only one in my family who is not married. Please tell me if you think I missed my zivug.

                                                                                            Desperate Single Woman  

Dear Desperate Single Woman:

I hear your pain, but do not have a simple answer to your complex situation. I will, however, attempt to answer your question as best I can.

I have witnessed situations where a woman or man from an amazing family compares her or his dates to their amazing father or mother, and as a result might often reject a potential shidduch. Since I have no ruach ha’Kadosh, I do not know if in fact you let go of your zivug. However, I would like you to now focus on finding your true zivug b’karov.

Perhaps you should change your list of requirements and look for what is most important in order for a marriage to work. Instead of looking for looks, money, power, career accomplishments, etc. in a husband, maybe you should look for middos and for someone who will be a loving husband and who will help you build a true bayis full of warmth and love. While you may see a man who is not so “cool” as a negative, this man may actually be a great person with solid middos, a humble man with no need to be the center of attention. A quiet, caring person may actually make a better husband than the witty guy (the one with the great jokes and good lines) who always needs to be the center of attention. It would be prudent for you to step outside the box and try to find someone who may not fit all of your criteria, but might possess the characteristics that would make him a great husband and father.

I therefore suggest that you redo your personal list of “musts” in a shidduch, and rethink what your true needs are. You should not make these decisions based on what looks good to your friends and family. Instead, you need to examine what is desired to make you happy and what it will take to build a home full of respect, warmth and love. If you feel that professional help is required to sort out these issues, seek that help. Don’t worry about whether it is a man’s world. You seem to have a lot going for you, so put your best foot forward and try your best to change your approach in finding your zivug. Hatzlachah in your journey, and I hope that you find your true zivug b’karov.

 

Dear Dr. Yael:

I wanted to write and let you know that I am very pleased you acknowledge daas Torah, and that you have no problem suggesting it.

While some people may object out of fear or other reasons, the rav usually knows more of the inside scoop and can best put the man in his place.

May Hashem grant you continued success.

                                                                                            All the best,

                                                                                            C.  

Dear C.:

Thank you for your words of encouragement. While some people may fear asking a she’eilah or feel that it is unnecessary to do so in various life situations, I find that rabbanim are very much in tune with what we, as a klal, are going through. The rabbanim I speak to are smart, and have excellent ideas and solutions to many of the problems that my clients face.

I appreciate that you took the time to express your positive comment in writing. Hatzlachah!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “It’s Never Too Late”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Wounded Golani commander returns to his troops on July 22, 2014.
Golani Commander Proves Why the Unit is Known for Bravery
Latest Sections Stories
book-Family-Frayda

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

book-I-Kings

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

book-Unify-A-Nation

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

Schonfeld-logo1

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

The chicken and waffle nuggets were fabulous and were like chicken in a dessert form.

“Have you forgotten your dreams?” The Hope Merchant asks a defeated and hopeless Lily when she “happens” upon his shop.

The universe was created by God out of nothing; it has not always existed.

He combined intellectual achievement with deep spirituality and religious devotion.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-071814

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Respler-071114

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

In my experience, modern schools tend to be more open-minded toward other flavors of Judaism.

I was called to the principal’s office and shown a picture my daughter had drawn.

“Where was this guy when I was dating?”

We must be honest about whether this shidduch “crisis” is self-made, and how much of it is really a crisis at all.

Being a teacher requires more than just knowing the material.

She compares me to her romance “heroes,” and I seem to always fall short of her expectations.

    Latest Poll

    Israel's Iron Dome Anti-Missile System:





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/its-never-too-late/2012/01/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: