web analytics
September 2, 2014 / 7 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Learning To Communicate And Accept Each Other’s Individuality


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

The challenges that married couples face everyday can be quite complicated, not to mention filled with unique nuances. Issues of infidelity in one couple are different from issues of infidelity in another. Not all couples have the same definition for words like “neglect” or “trust.”  One thing is for sure, you can’t place marital life in neat black and white categories.

But while issues put forward to marriage counselors are exclusive to the couple experiencing them, we can still distill principles that can be helpful in most, if not all cases. These principles can enrich a marriage and make it more resilient. At the very least, they can be areas for consideration and reflection.

The following are some basic marriage counseling advice. They may sound trite and cliché, but the more you apply them in your marriage, the more you’ll realize they actually make a lot of sense!

 

Communicate: If something is significant to you, say it — but say it responsibly. Getting your feelings and thoughts across to your partner is always better than bottling them up, and waiting for things to change. You don’t have to disclose everything, in fact, if you don’t feel comfortable about talking about a problem, then at least communicate that you don’t feel comfortable, and give your reasons why. There is nothing more stressful in a marriage than to have to second-guess what your partner needs.

More so, practice honesty as best as you can. Honesty in a relationship isn’t just about factual honesty. Rather, it is being authentic as to what is going on inside of you. If you are sad, then you are sad. If you’re upset, then you are upset. A healthy marriage allows the expression of these feelings without each partner feeling threatened.

Accept that stress is normal: It’s sad that many couples today file for divorce at the first sign of trouble. What is sadder still is that few of these couples know that stress in a marriage is not just normal and expected, but necessary if you want to grow in your relationship. The situation would be no different even if you change partners — as many people in second marriages probably know.

Change always bring stress, and throughout the different stages of marital life — from dating, to settling down, to raising a family — change will happen. As your family structure changes, so should you; adapting and learning new roles are parts of navigating the new seasons of married life. And while it’s sweet to tell your partner “promise me, you’ll never change,” the fact is that all people change. The needs, values and priorities of people in their 20s are different from those in their 40s; and you can’t expect your partner to always be as he or she was before.

What couples can do when stress happens is to understand where it’s coming from, and adapt accordingly. Marriages and families are like organizations; there are systems with rules and patterns of doing things. If a rule no longer works, it needs to be changed. If a pattern is unproductive, it needs to be broken. A couple who can adapt as they go through their marriage will be become better skilled to handle further, possibly greater, challenges.

Create chemistry. After a few years of marriage, many couples complain that they’ve lost that “spark,” and sadly find themselves no longer attracted to one another sexually, emotionally and even intellectually. They go to therapy expecting their counselor to hand them a magic pill that can bring it back. But while it’s true that chemistry is an unexplainable, naturally occurring phenomenon, it also needs work and deliberate effort to produce.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Learning To Communicate And Accept Each Other’s Individuality”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Hamas' Ismail Haniyeh would replace Abbas chairman of the Palestinian Authority if elections were held today.
Poll: Hamas Would Rule Judea and Samaria in New Elections
Latest Sections Stories
LBJ-082914

What better proof do we need than the recent war with Hamas in Gaza, dubbed “Operation Protective Edge,” that transformed the pain and suffering of three families into a sense of unparalleled unity and outpouring of love of the entire nation of Israel?

Katzman-082914

So many families are mourning, and all along we mourned with them.

Astaire-082914

In addition to his great erudition, Rabi Akiva was known for his optimism.

Kupfer-082914-Chuppah

She told me that she was busy and that he could sit in his wet clothes for the rest of the day. It would teach him to be more careful.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Children with dyslexia or dysgraphia frequently have problems in social relationships.

Israel’s neighbors engaged in hostilities from the onset. The War of Independence was a hard-won battle. Aggression and enmity has followed for 66 years.

The contest will include student-created sculpture, computer graphic design, collage, videography, PowerPoint and painting.

David, an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, recently attended a Friendship Circle event. As he entered he told his Dad, “I love coming to the FC programs ‘cause everyone loves each other.”

Goldsmith himself went on his own “voyage of discovery” to the places where his grandfather and uncle landed and were sent.

Frank proclaimed himself Zvi’s successor and the reincarnation of King David.

You’re probably wondering why the greatest advocate of fast and easy preps in the kitchen is talking about layer cakes, right?

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/learning-to-communicate-and-accept-each-other%e2%80%99s-individuality/2011/10/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: