web analytics
April 16, 2014 / 16 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



Marital Roles (Fourth Of Five Parts)


Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Share Button

Is It Worth The Argument?

(It’s A Lose-Lose Situation When The Goal Is To Win)

  Although in my past columns I’ve discussed the importance of inviting differences into life in or­der to grow through seeing other perspectives, there is a good reason to limit discussion of your dif­ferences when it comes to making decisions. There are very few decisions in life worth fighting for. If it will not be included in your memoirs, it isn’t worth the disagree­ment. That china pattern or model of TV can’t be impor­tant enough to upset the one you love, or threaten the warm marriage you want. To show each other why you think differently is fascinating and even fun, but when it comes to making a decision, you don’t want to feel as though you need to prove your point to your spouse.

Respecting differences means listening to and under­standing your spouse. When all you care about is winning or proving your point, I guarantee you’re not truly lis­tening. So when it comes to a decision, state your opin­ion, listen to your spouse and allow the person in charge of that area to make the ultimate decision, because your partnership has placed that spouse in that role.

This is how any other successful system works. Partners know that there will be disagreements that will not always be easily resolved. So the person in charge of that department should genuinely listen to his or her partner’s opinion, discuss it and consider all or part of it when making the decision. We can’t put all our energy into each decision. So we split the decisions. We are not avoiding our differences, but using them stra­tegically in a way that respects the many demands our busy schedules place on us.

What has always fascinated me about the time and energy we put into decision making is that we seldom truly know whether we’ve made the right decision. Decisions have a way of revisiting you, years in the fu­ture. You can point to something you once thought was a bad decision and then, years later, realize something great happened because of it. Consider three major de­cisions you’ve made in your life. Were they the “right” decisions? Are you sure today that if you had done some­thing differently, it would have been better or worse? Did these decisions cause the exact outcome you antici­pated? Few people I’ve counseled can draw a straight line from point A to point B.

Before making a decision with your spouse, remem­ber that right or wrong doesn’t enter into the discussion as much as understanding each other’s feelings and thoughts Through the ability to make a joint decision, you and your spouse will feel closer. Ultimately, that feel­ing is more important to your lives than the outcome of any specific decision. After all, if you and your spouse have a horrible fight over an investment, and in the end you make money on the investment, is your quality of life better compared with the love you drained out of your marriage? What is your priority?

When couples fight about a decision regarding their children, I explain that no matter what the outcome of the decision, it can’t possibly outweigh the damage the children will suffer because the marriage had to sustain such fighting, When a couple told me they had fought openly and bitterly for days about which board­ing school they should send their “difficult” child to, I felt so sad for this “difficult” child. I sympathized with the parents’ stress and their wish to do what was best for their child, but they had lost sight of what was really important. Couples who fight like this over childcare is­sues are not helping their children. Ironically, they for­get that what is truly going to help their children more than the “right” decision is a warm, loving home, which begins with a warm, loving marriage.

 

RABBI NEUMAN is a Florida licensed psychotherapist and author of two books, Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way (Random House) and Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-proof Your Marriage and Other Secrets to a Great Relationship (Crown). He and his work have been featured many times on The Oprah Show, Today, The View and in People, Time and elsewhere. He lives with his wife and five children in Miami Beach, Florida. For more information on his work, visit www.mgaryneuman.com or e-mail changingfamilies@mgaryneuman.com.

Share Button

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “Marital Roles (Fourth Of Five Parts)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Israeli soldiers closed off the area near where a terror attack occurred  near Hevron on Passover eve, in search of the terrorists.
Netanyahu: PA Incitement Caused Pre-Passover Terror Attack
Latest Sections Stories
Tali Hill, a beneficiary of the Max Factor Family Foundation.

The plan’s goal is to provide supportive housing to 200 individuals with disabilities by the year 2020.

Yeshiva Day School of Las Vegas’s deans, Rabbi Moshe Katz and Rabbi Zev Goldman, present award to Educator of the Year, Rabbi Michoel Paris.

Despite being one of the fastest-growing Jewish communities in the U.S. – the estimated Jewish population is 70-80,000 – Las Vegas has long been overlooked by much of the Torah world.

She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.

While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

Alternative assessments are an extremely important part of understanding what students know beyond the scope of tests and quizzes.

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

The goal of the crusade is to demonize and hurt Israel.

The JUMP program at Hebrew Academy was generously sponsored by Evelyn and Dr. Shmuel Katz.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Spoiler Alert: Going to see the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”, starring Tom Hanks is not like going to Disney World. Well, it is like going to Disney World if you go mid-August with your triplet toddlers, feed them all cotton candy, and lose your car because you forgot you parked in Pluto 7.394. It’s not a happy Disney movie.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back.

The therapeutic alliance has always been about a firm connection between patient and counselor. There has always been one primary standard – physically meeting in an office setting. There might be some phone calls in between sessions or to bridge some vacation gap. But therapy has always been about a feeling of connectivity and there is no better way to do this than face-to-face.

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

As adults who were children of divorce know, healing does not occur through time alone. In fact, my research found that only 46% said they had a positive relationship with their fathers as adults.

Stacy and Michael walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only fired up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning for therapy.

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

There are millions of adults today who experienced the trauma of their parents’ divorce 20, 30, 40 or more years ago. Some have found closure, but many more have not. Regrettably, it is a time in a child’s life that is never forgotten. It stays with you; it is part of who you are.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/marital-roles-fourth-of-five-parts/2006/04/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: