web analytics
September 23, 2014 / 28 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Maturity


Herskowitz-Moishe

Marriage demands the best in maturity, but this does not mean that couples are necessarily mature to begin with. A factor of greatest importance in the success or failure of any marriage is the emotional maturity of the partners. Marriage is a cooperative venture involving two people who must make certain sacrifices for the partnership and for each other. The maturing person begins to recognize the necessity for giving. Each person gives of him or her­self— in emotional support, acceptance and appreciation — as part of a mutual exchange that adds up to a satisfy­ing relationship. The maturing person begins to under­stand that much of life consists of exchanges and stages of achievement that are necessary for emotional growth.

Yet some adults marry, never having achieved this level of maturity. Why? Eric Erikson, a well-known psycho­analyst, explains that each stage in life presents the individual with a major task to be achieved, which includes problems, needs and limitations. He states that “an achievement mastered at the appropriate stage may prepare the growing child to take on the task of the next stage.” Failure to attain specific achievement when it is crucial to do so, will stun, if not stop, the emotional growth to an immature stage in life. The result is the lack of ability to solve new problems, new challenges and changing circum­stances. This can cause difficulties in marriage and at work. Erikson also states that “The ability to accommodate one­self to changing circumstances is a mark of maturity.”

Recently, a therapist from out of town called me for some supervision on a particular case he was working on. It seems that the couple he was working with has been married for 15 years. The wife is insisting on a divorce, stating that she just doesn’t love him anymore. The hus­band claims that he loves his wife and children and al­ways will. In 15 years of marriage, he has provided her with the emotional and physical support so that she could grow and become more secure and independent. This was not easy, as he would come home from work and then start cooking and cleaning the house. But with all this, she wants her freedom!

I explained to the therapist that in the early part of marriage, couples often tend to parentify each other, each pushing the relationship toward the form of parent-child relationship. The husband did try to improve their rela­tionship by taking anger management classes, but they were still left with issues regarding her lack of emotional maturity.

Emotionally, the wife is now in her teenage years, trying to find herself. In many cases, these marriages do work! In time, the immature adult does grow up through marriage. If a proper emotional environment is created, a caring spouse can undo the psychological damage done by inattentive parents. Adults who are immature cannot put the needs of a spouse and children before their own. They feel the need to escape back to the freedom that they had before marriage.

I advised the therapist not to give up on the couple. With all the anger and confusion, the couple needs to become aware of what has been and is happening to them. For many adults, the responsibilities and privileges of marriage are the greatest incentive to growth and shalom bayis. •

Moishe Herskowitz M.S., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Mar­riage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples — helping them to communicate effectively and fully appreciate each other. As a licensed and highly certified social worker and renowned family therapist, he developed this breakthrough seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy mar­riage. Moishe Herskowitz holds a certificate from the Brook­lyn Institute for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in couples and marriage therapy. He is an active member of the New York Counseling Association for Marriage and Family Counseling.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Maturity”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
EyalGiladNaftali
BREAKING: Killers of Naftali, Eyal and Gilad Eliminated
Latest Sections Stories
Calmer Times. Breslov chassidim on erev Rosh Hashanah in 2012 at the grave of Rav Nachman in Uman.

As optimistic as Menachem Rosenberg is – and he said he is going to Uman – he’s sure that this year, most of the travelers will not tour other religious sites or places in Ukraine.

Three sets of three-day Yomim Tovim can seem overwhelming – especially when we are trying to stay healthy.

Plotkin-092614

Is a missed opportunity to do a mitzvah considered a sin?

Teens-Twenties-logo

The sounds and scents of the kitchen are cozy, familiar, but loud in the silence.

Everyone has a weakness. For some people it is the inability to walk past a sales rack without dropping a few hundred dollars. For others, it’s the inability to keep their house organized.

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

His entire life was dedicated to Torah and he became a pivotal figure in the transmittal of the Oral Torah to the next generation.

When you don’t have anyone else to turn to… that’s when you’re tied to Hashem the closest.

While we all go to restaurants for a good meal, it is dessert, that final taste that lingers in your mouth, that is the crown jewel of any dining experience and Six Thirteen’s offerings did not disappoint.

Today, fifty years and six million (!) people later, Israel is truly a different world.

There will always be items that don’t freeze well – salads and some rice- or potato-based dishes – so you need to leave time to prepare or cook them closer to Yom Tov and ensure there is enough room in the refrigerator to store them.

In Uzbekistan, in the early twentieth century, it was the women who wore the pants.

This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/maturity/2001/07/25/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: