web analytics
May 25, 2013 /16 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Mirroring Your Spouse’s Feelings

tell a friend
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Mirroring is a good way to start actively listening. To mirror, you simply paraphrase or repeat back to your spouse what he or she is saying to you. For example, if one day he/she comes home and says to you: “I had a horrible day at work!” you reflect on those words by saying, “It sounds you had a terrible day at work.” Don’t try to editorialize or deny what is being said. Instead, allow your spouse to fully express his or her feelings, and encourage more communication by paraphrasing what was just said to you. Or, if your spouse had a hard day at school and was driven crazy by his or her students, show you know what he or she is going through by saying, “It sounds like your kids drove you crazy today.” Most of the time, validating feelings is really what your spouse needs from you.

Think about the last time you were frustrated and you tried to share your feelings with your parents or friends. What kind of response was more soothing? If they dismissed your feelings and said, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Tomorrow will be better?” or if they gently mirrored your words back to you and said, “It sounds like you had a hard day,” or, “That sounds rough. Can you tell us more about your feelings?” Most people appreciate having their feelings validated and knowing that someone is willing to listen to their pain or frustration.

The difference between the two styles is quite distinct, as the following two dialogues reveal.

In the first conversation, Rivkah doesn’t utilize the principles of active listening.

Chaim: I’m furious! I had a lousy day at work!

Rivkah: What? Were you late for work again?

Chaim: What are you talking about?

Rivkah: I told you last night to go to bed earlier and leave on time.

Chaim: That has nothing to do with it. It’s my boss. He’s out of his mind again. He is nervous about our deadline and feels that our department isn’t keeping up.

Rivkah: Well, I keep on telling you that you guys have to keep ahead or else.

Chaim: Give me a break! We are working as hard as possible!

Rivkah: I guess it’s not enough.

Chaim: How much can I possibly do?!

In the following conversation, Rivkah has learned the skills needed to be a good active listener, and she mirrors her husband’s feelings.

Chaim: I’m furious! I had a lousy day at work!

Rivkah: You had a lousy day.

Chaim: My boss was impossible! He has such a temper!

Rivkah: He was angry today?

Chaim: He couldn’t stop ranting and raving about performance.

Rivkah: Hmm. He’s worried about your performance.

Chaim: Give me a break! We are working as hard as possible!

Rivkah: You feel you are working as hard as possible. I’m sure you are trying your best.

Chaim: Of course we are. We are getting glitches all along the way from distributors.

Rivkah: You are frustrated with your distributors.

Chaim: Of course. I can’t control what they do. But my boss doesn’t care about reality.

Rivkah: You can’t control them or your boss either.

Chaim: That’s right. I feel so out of control.

Rivkah: That must be frightening and downright frustrating.

Chaim: I’m feeling out of control and I’m really scared about the future.

Through active listening, Rivkah was able to avoid pouring gasoline on an already explosive issue. Her husband was feeling overwhelmed with work stress, and it wasn’t only with his boss, but with the distributors as well. Instead of criticizing or dismissing her husband’s behavior and feelings, she aimed to listen to his inner message and uncover his more vulnerable emotions of fear and frustration. Practicing this kind of communication helps build a caring relationship — one that will enable more positive interactions and dialogue in other key areas of life.

tell a friend

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is an expert in marriage, pre-marriage education, and working with teenagers at risk. He is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and maintains a private practice in Brooklyn. For an appointment or to watch his free video series on marriage and parenting, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com call 646-428-4723 or email: rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com. For more information visit www.shalomtaskforce.org or call the hotline at 1-888-883-2323.


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

No Responses to “Mirroring Your Spouse’s Feelings”

  1. Kemila Hypnosis says:
    February 22, 2013 at 4:54 PM

    What's fundamental in communication is not what's said, it's what the supposition is behind what's said. Validating the feeling says "what you feel is right"; trying to "fix" the partner says "what you are feeling isn't right".

  2. Amanda Howe says:
    February 23, 2013 at 9:12 PM

    Carl Rogers was the master of this technique …it's very hard to break the lifetime habit of being a helper or fixer

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
David Arenberg lost many things during his nearly 12 years in prison, but he found a connection to Judaism.
A Jew Grows in Prison
Latest Sections Stories
V-E-Day-052413-Grandpa
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Nearly half a million of them fought in Red Army uniforms, under communist slogans but with a personal vengeance that was solely the result of Jewish experience. More than the “Greatest Generation,” they were the living superheroes hidden in plain sight.

hot-busy-kitchen-10912000
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

It’s all over.

The orchestra is still, the lights are dimmed. Your simcha outfits hang in your closet, silent witnesses to a time you will treasure in your mind and heart forever.

Touro-052413
Sections → Features

Scene One:

After noticing that you can’t log into your computer, your pulse quickens as you are called into your supervisor’s office. S/he has some bad news. You are being laid off. You have 15 minutes to clean out your desk and surrender your cell phone before security escorts you out of the building. Job termination, especially in the corporate world, can be heartless.

Omer Map (website image) by Yitzchok Moully. Courtesy the artist.
Sections → Arts

I have always had a problem with the Omer. Doing the mitzvah of counting the Omer was of course pretty easy. Remembering to start the second evening of Passover and remembering to stop the day before Shavous took a little concentration but somehow I always managed. No, for me the nagging problem was always why was I doing this in the first place, other than the fact it was a biblical (according to the Rambam) commandment.

Sections → Magazine → On Our Own/Cheryl Kupfer

With the semi-mourning period of Sefira behind us, and the festival of Shavuot as well (as evidenced by the tightness of our clothing due to over-indulging in irresistible versions of cheesecake that is an integral component of celebrating our receipt of the Torah), our community can look forward to participating in joyous engagement parties and weddings.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

It’s inevitable that sometimes couples will step on each other’s toes; especially during the first year of marriage, where newlyweds find themselves tip-toeing around their spouse’s emotional roadblocks. Don’t forget that it takes time to learn about your spouse’s idiosyncrasies and how to respond in a way that makes him or her feel at ease.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To feel loved and nurtured your spouse needs to feel that you empathize with his or her emotions. The key is empathy. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what he feels and see what he sees, without losing yourself in the process.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Mirroring is a good way to start actively listening. To mirror, you simply paraphrase or repeat back to your spouse what he or she is saying to you.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

David and his wife had been married for 15 years and believed they knew what each other really wanted. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Recently, there a number of articles dealing with the difficulties singles are having getting married have appeared in various publications. Unfortunately, many young people in their 20’s (and some even in their 30’s) are struggling to find their bashert.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

One of the most powerful dimensions of a successful marriage is a couple’s ability to keep focused on each other’s good points and unique personality traits. Too often, people become fixated on the negative, sweating “over the small stuff,” and forgetting the positive points that brought them together in the first place.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Self esteem is one of the most important factors influencing human behavior. Despite what some people believe, self esteem can be a critical issue in marriage, where unresolved identity issues from childhood can place unwanted stress on a relationship.

    Latest Poll

    If you could only choose one of the following scenarios regarding Chareidi IDF service, which would you choose?





    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/mirroring-your-spouses-feelings/2013/02/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. The Art Of Communication
Close