Being Vulnerable Is Dangerous

Posted on: February 1st, 2006

Dear Mordechai, This is my first marriage and my wife’s second. She was left during her first marriage and things are now going pretty well with us. But I feel that, after four years, I still don’t know her that well. We spend time together, but not nearly as much as I’d like. She’s very independent and says all that mushy stuff and deep sharing is for teenagers, not mature adults...

Changing Families

Posted on: January 18th, 2006

Dear Mordechai, My wife has read your articles and books. It sounds so nice to be able to put one’s marriage first. But let’s be real. I have a job, kids, minyanim to catch and daf yomi shiurim to attend. My wife and I are stressed over money. Who isn’t? Don’t you think you’re causing unrealistic expectations for marriages when you say, “put your marriage first?” How much can I work at my marriage when everything else is going on? Shouldn’t the work in my life be what I’m supposed to be doing, namely to make my marriage financially viable? Maybe there are times in a marriage that you shouldn’t expect to be so “in love.” My marriage won’t be happy if I’m broke.

Prisoners Of The Past

Posted on: January 6th, 2006

As a child you had two basic needs. One was to be happy and loved, and the second was for your parents to be happy and loved. If you grew up and these emotional needs were not met, then your unconscious mind seeks a partner to help you meet those needs. The process will take place by recreating your childhood wounds in your present marriage. This way you can finish unfinished emotional business and move on with your life.

The Power Of Love (Part II)

Posted on: September 16th, 2005

Marriage, by contrast, is an institution of close, complementary cooperation. Its success or failure depends upon the the couples, ability to work together as a TEAM. However, in order to accomplish this, we first have to understand that in marriage we carry our own emotional baggage along with us — some good and some, not so good. The not-so-good seems to stand out a lot more.

The Power Of Love (Part I)

Posted on: August 12th, 2005

Marriage is not like every other human relationship. It brings two incompatible people together for the purpose of healing and growth. The degree of healing and growth will depend on many factors. One such factor is the ability to give love. Love is the foundation of married life. Even though many people talk about it, there is a great deal of doubt as to whether they really know how to give love.

Self Awareness. ‘Who Am I?’ (Part IV)

Posted on: March 23rd, 2005

As we come to the end of our series of articles titled "who am I", I would like to devote this last set of preferences, Judging Vs Perceiving, to singles. If you recall, about a year ago I wrote an article titled Commitment Phobic (www.cpcteam.org). It was based on the fact that people are not the same. We have different energy levels, make decisions based on different criteria, depending on what makes us most comfortable. The focus was on Perceiving types a personality that likes to keeps their options open as long as possible.

Self Awareness. ‘Who Am I?’ (Part III)

Posted on: February 23rd, 2005

The Jewish community has never been as challenged as it is today. I believe that many of our problems could have been avoided if we took a more proactive approach. I recently met with a doctor who had just married off his first daughter. He wanted to know what exactly pre-Marital enrichment is. I responded by explaining the concept of self awareness, that it's not possible to know someone else if you don't know who you are!

Self Awareness. ‘Who Am I?’ (Part II)

Posted on: January 26th, 2005

The Jewish community has never been as challenged as it is today. I believe that many of our problems could have been avoided if we took a more proactive approach. I recently met with a doctor who had just married off his first daughter. He wanted to know what exactly pre-Marital enrichment is. I responded by explaining the concept of self awareness, that it's not possible to know someone else if you don't know who you are!

Self Awareness. ‘Who Am I?’ (Part I)

Posted on: December 29th, 2004

Almost every profession has what we call the tools of the trade, and with marriage it isn't any different. If you're single, engaged or a newlywed, you need to have the tools it takes to build a successful marriage. Yet for many of us even when the chosen and kallah classes are over, they still find it difficult to use the tools that they have just learned.

The Love Drug

Posted on: September 29th, 2004

The Dubna Magid in Safer Hamidos, states that "love is one of the most important midos in a person". Hashem has given us a most powerful energy source with the potential to grow and heal unresolved issues of the past. But in order to activate this energy source we must first try to understand the levels of complexity love has to offer.

‘Please Don’t Leave Me!’

Posted on: August 13th, 2004

The Torah tells us that we are put onto this world to give, not just to take, as difficult as this may seem for some people. Married life provides a unique opportunity to give to another person. When husband and wife are willing to give whatever it takes to make each other happy, they will move onto the next stage called “love.” This is where the Shechina (Divine Presence) rests.

Dear Dr. Yael

Posted on: July 14th, 2004

Dear Dr. Respler, After reading the letter written for the April 23rd issue, I would like to share my experience and some of the lessons that I've learned related to the topic of friends, both single and newly married.

Marriage 101

Posted on: February 18th, 2004

Dear Moishe, I enjoy your articles in the Jewish Press very much. I am very much for trying to prevent problems through education as well. I am a social worker in a frum agency for individuals with developmental disabilities. As tremendous strides have been made over the past decade for this population challenges arise along with the opportunities. For example - some individuals get married and may have an IQ of a 6 or 7 year old child.

‘Majority Rules’ – The Bum Class

Posted on: October 1st, 2003

In my last article, I discussed the topic of "teens at risk." We have always had "teens at risk" within our yeshiva system, but they were segregated and referred to as the "bum class." This class was separated from the mainstream students, and given its own separate rebbe to provide support services. The success of this system was due to the fact that yeshivas followed the Torah con­cept that "majority rules".

The Bum Class

Posted on: September 24th, 2003

When Rov Pam, a”h, gave me the go ahead to do Pre-Marital counseling, I knew in time I would add more topics to my curriculum. But I never dreamed that I would be talking about teenagers at risk to a couple that just go engaged! But the fact remains that I do. Couples are getting [...]

Starting All Over

Posted on: July 16th, 2003

When searching for a partner in marriage we are often attracted to people who are different than we are. Sometimes the very same qualities we find charming and exciting are the ones we find ourselves trying to change after marriage. Rather than understand, accept and appreciate our partners for who they are, we turn the differences into the source of our frustration, irritation and dissatisfaction.

Choosing Your Mate

Posted on: June 18th, 2003

Choosing a life partner is possibly the most compli­cated process of a lifetime. In this article, we will try to define, understand and explain how we choose a part­ner. To do so, we need to have some understanding and awareness of the dynamics that bring a man and a woman towards marriage. It starts with the word attraction.

Forgiven But Not Forgotten

Posted on: May 14th, 2003

There is something about an approaching wedding that can cause a state of emotional upheaval. This should be of no surprise. In most cases, marriage reflects two sets of personalities; the chassan's and the kallah's. The parents too are involved. They produce a relationship that is more than the sum total of themselves. This relationship includes their family, and yet a separation is about to take place for both parent and child.

A Window Of Opportunity

Posted on: April 17th, 2002

An alarmingly high percentage of youth grow up with no preparation for marriage, as evidenced by the break-up rate of marriages in the Jewish community. They may have been told, but not taught how communication and problem-solving skills create harmony for more shalom bayis (a peaceful home) in a marriage.

Making The Adjustment

Posted on: February 27th, 2002

Before marriage, the engaged couple has a tendency to emphasize similarities rather than their differences. It's normal for the couple to idolize each other, and since both are on their best behavior, they fail to learn much about their differences in personality. After Sheva Brachos they are launched upon life as a married couple and true personality traits and value systems become more apparent. Gradually, the two may recognize that they are not in such close agreement on everything as they may have thought they were during the engagement period.